Post your funniest jokes...

[Ryan]

How did the chicken cross the road??


to get to the other side!!!

get it? hahahhahaah. :woot: :test:

Did you mean "Why did the chicken cross the road"? :duh:

[Jezza]

ooops!

[Ryan]

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...
(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.

[jenny]

Subject: ANATOMY


A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed, and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 50-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up!" she replied.

[jenny]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:dummyspit:

Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside and said "I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh, my goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean it has a willy and a brain? That doesn't happen often, does it?"

[jenny]

i Don't Know How Many Of You Shop At Shopping Malls
But This Is How I Became A Victim Of This Scam
Two Seriously Good Looking Well-built Cowboy Type Guys
Come Over To Your Car As You Are Loading Your Purchases
They Are Both Without Their Shirts
And Start Wiping Your Windscreen
With A Rag And Windex, And Their Highly Defined Chest Muscles And Rock Hard Abs.

It's Impossible Not To Look, When You Offer Them A Tip, They Say No, And Instead ...ask For A Ride To Another Store.
You Agree And They Get In The Back Seat. On The Way, They Start Talking Rudely, About What They Want To Do.
Then One Climbs Over The Front Seat, And Begins Kissing Your Neck, And Begs You To Pull Over.

While All This Is Going On, The Other Guy, Steals Your Purse.
I Had My Purse Stolen......last Tuesday... Wednesday...twice On Thursday...and Again On Saturday.......... And Also Yesterday
And Most Likely Tomorrow.

[Coaster]

Reg Regans guide to men



1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you're gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit ups, earobics, and the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaaaayming F*G. A cat is like a dog, but gay. It grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses it's nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog, "Killer, come here, I said get your ass over here" Now think about how you call a cat "Bun-Bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeesus you're the poster nboy for gay.

3. I f you suck lollipops, ring pops, baby-dummies, or any such nonesense, rest assured you're a gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, stubbies or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a F*G.

4. If you refuse to have a dump in a public toilet or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toliet, he deficates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink coffee with skim milk, you love a high hard one in the poop shute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick wholesomne milk) and full aroma. A pussy eating man will never be heard ordering a decaf caffe latte with skim, and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you have had nutrisweet in your mouth, you've had dick in there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passess to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as the names of all the players in the NRL, Super 12, Cricket, PGA, NBL, and Supercar series. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a"fresier" is you are gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are F**gadocious1

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it....you're hungry for man sausage. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk slow ass volvo drivers or to cut the mother f***er off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger/chiko roll, hold his beer, or, if he's a wog, talk on his mobile phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, Oi? The only time it is acceptable to watch oe of those movies is with a woman who knoews how to reward her man. Watchiong any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (Spontaneous Homosexual Combustion), which is what happens to F*Gs when they flame out too quiclky. So follow the rules and beware, or keep that sh*t to yourself, you flamming F*ggot!

9. If your name is Marty, Brent, Josh, or Nat then stop living in denial. You're a dung punching ass bandit from way back and everyone knows it.
____________

[jenny]

LOL....Reg, is a Legend.

[Ryan]

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fvck off!

[Capital_Shark]

SHC (Spontaneous Homosexual Combustion), which is what happens to F*Gs when they flame out too quiclky

HAHAHA

all very good rules and ones I'm proud to say I abide by.

[jenny]

Man's earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!":woot:

[Ryan]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun
vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

[jenny]

Ryan

[jenny]

Two blondes walk into a building.... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[jenny]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.':blink: