Post your funniest jokes...

[Gonzalez]

Tootsie Dippindoodle

[Future Star]

Funky Battybrain
:lol!:

[Hoppy2007Dragons]

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses
up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new
set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done
with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[jenny]

THE WINNER! OF THE DUMBEST CRIMS

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[Sonny-Skill]

LMAO Jenny that's a classic my friend

[Nathalie]

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Des]

Jenny! Jenny! Jenny! Bloody funny.

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Des]

A female school teacher in Auckland was addressing her class and said, Now Chulldren, the neshnal sport of new zilland uz rugbay end I heppen toe be en All Blecks fairn. Hairnds up all those who are All Blecks fairns. They all showed their hands except little Darby.She said Darbeee, yoe dudn?t put your hairnd up. Darby said nup, I?m a Wallabies fan. She said, yoe luvv unn New Zilland end you?re a Wallabeees fairn, how come? Darby replied, Well, me farvers a wallabies fan, me muvva?s a wallabies fan, so I?m a Wallabies fan. She got angry and said, well, if your perrents were both morons, what would yoe be? Darby replied, I?d be a All Blacks fan, thats what I?d be.

[Social Loafer]

A female school teacher in Auckland was addressing her class and said, Now Chulldren, the neshnal sport of new zilland uz rugbay end I heppen toe be en All Blecks fairn. Hairnds up all those who are All Blecks fairns. They all showed their hands except little Darby.She said Darbeee, yoe dudn?t put your hairnd up. Darby said nup, I?m a Wallabies fan. She said, yoe luvv unn New Zilland end you?re a Wallabeees fairn, how come? Darby replied, Well, me farvers a wallabies fan, me muvva?s a wallabies fan, so I?m a Wallabies fan. She got angry and said, well, if your perrents were both morons, what would yoe be? Darby replied, I?d be a All Blacks fan, thats what I?d be.

the accent makes it so much better

[Des]

the accent makes it so much better

Cheers mate. It took a long bloody time to type. LOL

[Social Loafer]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

[jenny]

Laid to Rest .........As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man did not stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the he**** was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I prached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

[~Wild Child~]

Some common sense quotes from The Leader Of The Free World...George Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

[Steve]

An aussie bloke and a strict muslim were seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to London.
After take off a hostess came around to take drink orders.
The aussie ordered a rum and coke, and after placing the drink on his tray table, the hostess asked the muslim if he would like a drink.
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen virgins than let that poison liquor touch my lips", replied the muslim gentleman.
The aussie passed his rum back to the hostess and said, "So would I. I didn't realise we had a choice."

[Poida]

Some common sense quotes from The Leader Of The Free World...George Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

hahaha classic

Another quote from Bush.

"I often spend time thinking about.........why I do things"

Classic dumbass Bush