Post your funniest jokes...

[jenny]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
Attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,
Masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and
Set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up
His backside.

[Ryan]

Two trail walkers were walking through a jungle and come across a tiger who looked very fast and very hungry. One walker pulled a pair of nikes out of his backpack and proceeded to put them on. His friend gave him a stupid look and said, "Do you really think those shoes are gonna make you run faster than the tiger?" The other walker replied " I don't have to run faster than the tiger, I only have to run faster than you!"

[Ryan]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
Attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,
Masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and
Set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up
His backside.

Scientific study? - More like common knowledge

[Casey's Angel27]

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and she was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

[Nathalie]

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and she was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[jenny]

A string walks into a bar.

He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".

[Nathalie]

A string walks into a bar.

He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Sounds a bit like my crow joke love it!!!

[Poida]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he couldn't get his knob out fo the chicken.

[jenny]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's
fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde .
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded

my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite
cow,Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want to
move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
Now what the f*** would you say?"

[Casey's Angel27]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's
fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde .
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded

my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite
cow,Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want to
move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
Now what the f*** would you say?"

:rotflmao:

[~Wild Child~]

Blonde in an Elmo factory

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

[Poida]

Blonde in an Elmo factory

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

:rotflmao:

[squirrell]

A baby balloon was having trouble sleeping one night so he went to his parents bedroom.He tried to squeeze in between mum and dad balloon but he couldnt so he decided to untie his dad and let a bit of air out of him.This he did but he still couldnt squeeze between them so he did the same to his mum.He once again tried to squeeze in the middle but with much squeaking he was a little bit too big,so he untied himself and let a little bit of air out of himself.Ahhhh he slid in the middle all nice and snug.The next morning daddy balloon says"son i want a word with you about last nights incident".."what dad?"says baby balloon..dad says"im very dissapointed with you son,youve let me down..youve let your mother down..but worst of all youve gone and let yourself down!!!!!"

[Ryan]

A baby balloon was having trouble sleeping one night so he went to his parents bedroom.He tried to squeeze in between mum and dad balloon but he couldnt so he decided to untie his dad and let a bit of air out of him.This he did but he still couldnt squeeze between them so he did the same to his mum.He once again tried to squeeze in the middle but with much squeaking he was a little bit too big,so he untied himself and let a little bit of air out of himself.Ahhhh he slid in the middle all nice and snug.The next morning daddy balloon says"son i want a word with you about last nights incident".."what dad?"says baby balloon..dad says"im very dissapointed with you son,youve let me down..youve let your mother down..but worst of all youve gone and let yourself down!!!!!"

Give yourself an uppercut

[squirrell]

Ive told that joke to heaps of people,noone yet has laughed but i keep picturing the balloons and it makes me chukkle.I gave myself a small uppercut so as not to cause massive amounts of damage.