Post your funniest jokes...

[~lee~]

In breaking news tonight it has been announced that Michael Jackson has just signed for Liverpool. The temptation to get spanked at home by 11 kids was just too appealing to turn down.

[Nathalie]

At a U2 concert, they finish a song, and there's silence. All of a sudden, Bono starts clapping slowly, one clap every few seconds. He goes up to the microphone and says, 'Every time I clap my hands, a small child in Africa dies.'

Silence for another few seconds, then someone in the audience yells out 'Well stop f***ing doing it then!'

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

There ya go Dave

[The Dave]

There ya go Dave

Wkd joke , but I have heard it before

[jenny]

************************************************** ************************************************** **************
A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs,
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"

************************************************** ************************************************** ************
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed.
You mean it has a penis and a brain?
That doesn't happen often!"
I'LL LEAVE NOW

[Poida]

************************************************** ************************************************** **************
A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs,
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"

************************************************** ************************************************** ************
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed.
You mean it has a penis and a brain?
That doesn't happen often!"
I'LL LEAVE NOW

:lol!: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Nathalie]

************************************************** ************************************************** **************
A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs,
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"

************************************************** ************************************************** ************
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed.
You mean it has a penis and a brain?
That doesn't happen often!"
I'LL LEAVE NOW

*high fives*

[Poida]

In breaking news tonight it has been announced that Michael Jackson has just signed for Liverpool. The temptation to get spanked at home by 11 kids was just too appealing to turn down.

[Poida]

What can a doctor do that a duck cant?

Stick their bill up their ass.

[~Wild Child~]

Confessions Of A Kid

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's
mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last
year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this
year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
my birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote
a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as
Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother
told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby
went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if
anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He
slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room
and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his
letter to God.
.
.
.
.
.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!!!!!

[~Wild Child~]

What can a doctor do that a duck cant?

Stick their bill up their ass.

:lol!:

[Poida]

Confessions Of A Kid

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's
mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last
year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this
year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
my birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote
a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as
Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother
told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby
went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if
anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He
slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room
and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his
letter to God.
.
.
.
.
.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!!!!!

:rotflmao:

[~Wild Child~]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "?250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "?750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?"
Boy -"?1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now"

[jenny]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "?250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "?750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?"
Boy -"?1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now"

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Poida]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "?250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "?750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?"
Boy -"?1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now"

thats better than the version of that joke i read.

[Poida]

What can a doctor do that a duck cant?

Stick their bill up their ass.

Lol I give my mate credit for that.