Post your funniest jokes...

[Capital_Shark]

The fairy

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and ****! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - ****! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female. :naughty:

Mystical little mongrels! I always hated that friggin Tinkerbell anyhow.

[jenny]

How to Save the Airlines

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the heck . The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[jenny]

Man's earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!" :naughty:

[jenny]

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn
into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[patrick]

Here's another, again i'm not trying to be rude.
Again its really silly, but here goes...
It's actually based on a real story!
My really funny uncle travelled to Townsville and saw this happen!

An Aboriginal guy goes up to north Queensland and visits a shop which sells necklaces made with a type of gun bullet hung on the end.
The Aboriginal guy goes to the counter and says "Yeah mate, can I have one of those bullet necklaces mate?"
The guy at the counter says "Yep, what sort of gun bullet do you want mate?"
The Aboriginal guy says "One of them deadly ones!"
:whatd:

[jenny]

Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.

[Robbie_Dee]

An Irish man, and Elephant and a Giraffe all walk into a bar, sit down and ask for a drink...the barman than sais, "what is this...a joke?"

Lmao!

[jenny]

An Irish man, and Elephant and a Giraffe all walk into a bar, sit down and ask for a drink...the barman than sais, "what is this...a joke?"

Lmao!

:dizzy:

[Robbie_Dee]

Why do New Zealand horse's run so fast???

Because they've seen what they do to their sheep!!!

lol!

[jenny]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" :roll:

[jenny]

A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

[Coaster]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick
one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
Employee's' home phone number and was greeted with a child's' whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No,"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mummy there?"

"Yes,"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No,"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through
the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

"The search team just landed a helicopter,"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME"

[jenny]

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[jenny]

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

[BrisbaneBroncosRule]

:rotflmao: Jenny great jokes

Here is a joke i heared yesterday. (So Stupid :lol!

Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
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A: Tyranasoreass