Post your funniest jokes...

[dee13]

:eek: :!: Really.... cool

Now ur takin the mickey out of me. Im new & am still working out depth. Give me a while. :spit:

[jenny]

Now ur takin the mickey out of me. Im new & am still working out depth. Give me a while. :spit:

Your doing great

[jenny]

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see.
"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be.
It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was shorter than that."

[jenny]

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

[jenny]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." :beer:

[dee13]

Its been fun, but goodnight. Kids and no sleep don't mix very well.

[jenny]

Its been fun, but goodnight. Kids and no sleep don't mix very well.

Nite dee..sweet dreams...sleep in

[dee13]

Nite dee..sweet dreams...sleep in

Yeah right. 6 and 7 year old wake at dawn. My girl and I hand them over to the other halves for a week or so tomorrow. I'll sleep in the next day. bye bye

[jenny]

Yeah right. 6 and 7 year old wake at dawn. My girl and I hand them over to the other halves for a week or so tomorrow. I'll sleep in the next day. bye bye

Dawn i know the feeling...cya dee

[jenny]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :eek:

[jenny]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!" :spit:

[Robbie_Dee]

Bob walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bar tender for a beer. The bar Tender goes and gets him one. The bar tender then walks out the back into the store room. The fella looks around every where and doesn't see anybody in the bar...He thought this was a bit strange, but drank away. He then heard a little high pitched voice, yell, 'Nice tie'. He looks around, and cant see anybody. He thought this was a bit strange, but again, keeps drinking his beer. A minute later, he heard the same little high pitched voice yell, 'Nice shirt'. He immediately looks around, only to find an empty bar...He can't figure out what this voice was. The bar Tender came back from out the back, so Bob then asks him, 'what's this voice I keep hearing? They tell me i have a nice tie and a nice shirt'...

The bar tender then replies, 'Oh, that's the Peanuts, they're complimentary!'

lol :rotflmao:

[Ryan]

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:
If you are Obsessive Compulsive; please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, please press 3,4 and 5
If you are Paranoid Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive it doesn't matter which number you press. NO ONE WILL ANSWER.

[jenny]

:beer: FOR SHARKEY..SCHIFTY & dEE
Signs that you are too drunk would be...

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
* Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
* At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

[Ryan]

Beer Makes Blokes Girly

A new scientific analysis of beer, sent to me by a relative in San Francisco, reveals the presence of female hormones.
All men ought to take a concerned look at their beer consumption, for the theory is that beer contains female hormones ? hops contain photoestrogen ? and drinking it makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 4.6lts of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn?t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down to urinate and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
And all this was in the US where, as all Aussies know, beer is a whole lot weaker than ours.