Post your funniest jokes...

[Social Loafer]

A professor at Mount Morgan High school was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe
in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you are all taking this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor took off his
glasses, and said "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asked, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar, I thought you said "Goats."

[Robbie_Dee]

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today, When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say
and I feel great. I be at work soon......You got nice house."

[jenny]

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today, When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say
and I feel great. I be at work soon......You got nice house."

:satan:

[jenny]

A professor at Mount Morgan High school was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe
in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you are all taking this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor took off his
glasses, and said "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asked, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar, I thought you said "Goats."

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[jenny]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................



"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"


"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"



"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.



"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"














"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles." :ok:

[jenny]

Three Woman -- One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly
Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna.

Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound.



The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beeping Stopped.

The Others Looked At Her Questioningly.



"that Was My Pager," She Said,

"i Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."



A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted

Her Palm To Her Ear And Talked Quietly. When She Finished, She

Explained,

"that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."



The Hillbilly Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech.

Not To Be Out Done,

She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive.

She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom.

She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind.

The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her.



The Hillbilly Woman Finally Said,

"well, Will You Look At That,

I'm Gettin' A Fax."

[jenny]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy
about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the
films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my
place. Anyway, to make
a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night.


"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she
pretty?" "Dunno... Never
found the head!"

[Ryan]

At The Check-In Gate


An award should go the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point after being confronted by an irate passenger who probably should have been classified as cargo.

During a hectic period at the old Denver Stapleton airport, what would have been a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was endeavouring to re-book a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly a very angry passenger pushed his way up to the desk, slammed his ticket down on the counter, and said,

"I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and then I'm sure we can work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and announced, "May I have your attention, please?" her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him laughing, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "f**k you!"

Without flinching, the agent smiled broadly and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The people in line now laughed hysterically, and, the guy retreated. United Airlines was off the hook for a few hours.

[jenny]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and

change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she

figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. Then whilst

crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another

40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?!!!!

"God replied, "Oh, ****...sorry! I didn't recognise you."

[Casey's Angel27]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and

change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she

figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. Then whilst

crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another

40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?!!!!

"God replied, "Oh, ****...sorry! I didn't recognise you."

:lol!:

[Casey's Angel27]

At The Check-In Gate


An award should go the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point after being confronted by an irate passenger who probably should have been classified as cargo.

During a hectic period at the old Denver Stapleton airport, what would have been a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was endeavouring to re-book a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly a very angry passenger pushed his way up to the desk, slammed his ticket down on the counter, and said,

"I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and then I'm sure we can work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and announced, "May I have your attention, please?" her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him laughing, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "f**k you!"

Without flinching, the agent smiled broadly and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The people in line now laughed hysterically, and, the guy retreated. United Airlines was off the hook for a few hours.

:lol!: classic... i like her style

[Robbie_Dee]

One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead snuck into a farm.
The farmer said to his wife, "I think I hear something outside."
The girls heard the door open,and they all ran in different directions.
The brunette ran into the cow pen. The redhead ran into the pig pen, and the blonde ran into the potato patch.
The farmer went to the cow pen and said,"Is there anyone there?" The brunette said,"Mmmmmmmoooooo."
Then he went over to the pig pen and the farmer said, "Is there anyone there?" and the redhead said, "Oink oink."
Then he went over to the potato patch and said, "Is there anyone there?" and the blonde said, "Potatooooo."

:whatd: :whatd: :whatd:

[Social Loafer]

an old one, but a classic IMO...

-----------------------------

Joke

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such Perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

[jenny]

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Are you a family member?"

"Yes, Yes I am.."

"Hold on.. let me look at her records...



Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"

"Neither!

I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY ever tells me ****!" :dead:

[jenny]

I attended a party last weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room.

When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world, - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?

"Golftits" I replied"