Post your funniest jokes...

[jenny]

The Lighter Side
The Two Things

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it
is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: "The first is that
you not be disgusted".

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of
the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"
he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking
turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told
them: "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger
and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"

[Capital_Shark]

Not bad Jenny, hadn't heard that one before.

I know a lot of jokes but I'm gonna have flick through and see if any are PC enough. I'd really like to be a top contributor to this thread but I've got knock-knock and 'why'd the chicken cross the road' jokes that wouldn't cut it here.

[jenny]

Not bad Jenny, hadn't heard that one before.

I know a lot of jokes but I'm gonna have flick through and see if any are PC enough. I'd really like to be a top contributor to this thread but I've got knock-knock and 'why'd the chicken cross the road' jokes that wouldn't cut it here.

Go check them out Sharky! :ok:

[patrick]

These are very silly, and I wouldn't know if you've heard them before?
Got a few Lebanese jokes: (i'm not trying to be rude).

Why are Lebanese bad at soccer?
...
...
Because whenever they get a corner, they set up a kebab shop.


Why was the Lebanese guy in hospital?
...
...
Because he was fully-sick!

You've probably heard them before, but hey!

[Social Loafer]

Half the jokes I have would probably breach the member guidelines

Anyway....


A farmer was sitting in a bar one afternoon, getting slowly drunk. A man came over to talk to him.
"You look down" said the man. "Its a beautiful day. How can you be miserable on a day like this?".
The farmer mumbled "some things you just cant explain."
"Come on tell me about it." said the man. "It might help to talk to someone."
"If you really want to know," said the farmer, "I was sitting in the barn this morning milking my cow and id just got it full when she kicked it over with her left leg."
"Is that all? Its not exactly the end of the world."
"Some things you just cant explain mumbled the farmer."
"So what did you do?"
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I carried on milking and just as i got the bucket full again, she kicked it over with her right leg."
"I can see that would be annoying."
The farmer mumbled, "Some things you just cant explain."
"So what did you do next?"
"I tied her right leg to the post on the right with some rope and carried on milking." And just as the bucket was filling up, she knocked it over with her tail."
"You must of been angry now?"
"Somethings you just cant explain." mumbled the farmer.
"What did you do?"
"I didnt have any rope left, so i took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just cant explain."

[jenny]

Half the jokes I have would probably breach the member guidelines

Anyway....


A farmer was sitting in a bar one afternoon, getting slowly drunk. A man came over to talk to him.
"You look down" said the man. "Its a beautiful day. How can you be miserable on a day like this?".
The farmer mumbled "some things you just cant explain."
"Come on tell me about it." said the man. "It might help to talk to someone."
"If you really want to know," said the farmer, "I was sitting in the barn this morning milking my cow and id just got it full when she kicked it over with her left leg."
"Is that all? Its not exactly the end of the world."
"Some things you just cant explain mumbled the farmer."
"So what did you do?"
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I carried on milking and just as i got the bucket full again, she kicked it over with her right leg."
"I can see that would be annoying."
The farmer mumbled, "Some things you just cant explain."
"So what did you do next?"
"I tied her right leg to the post on the right with some rope and carried on milking." And just as the bucket was filling up, she knocked it over with her tail."
"You must of been angry now?"
"Somethings you just cant explain." mumbled the farmer.
"What did you do?"
"I didnt have any rope left, so i took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just cant explain."

:rotflmao:

[Capital_Shark]

These are very silly, and I wouldn't know if you've heard them before?
Got a few Lebanese jokes: (i'm not trying to be rude).

Why are Lebanese bad at soccer?
...
...
Because whenever they get a corner, they set up a kebab shop.


Why was the Lebanese guy in hospital?
...
...
Because he was fully-sick!

You've probably heard them before, but hey!

I like the kebab shop one. And to add onto the hospital one, why was his friend in hospital? He was fully-sick mate. (Yes, I'll give myself an upper cut for that crap, but remember, he started it!)

[Social Loafer]

that Corne rone used to be about Greek's and Fish n chip shops... Then the bastards ruined it all by winning Euro..

[patrick]

Great one Schifty!

Cheers Sharky!

:lol!: :lol!: :lol!:

[jenny]

Three brazilian



In a Cabinet meeting this morning, Donald Rumsfeld reported to the President and the cabinet. He said, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says, "Oh, my God!" and buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned. Not a word is spoken. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to this kind of report.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian?" :ok:

[jenny]

two guys looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she's a redhead with blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a blue midriff tank-top and white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[patrick]

Yeah, one of the classics

[jenny]

The Lord and the biker

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[jenny]

The fairy

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and ****! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - ****! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female. :naughty:

[Capital_Shark]

The Lord and the biker

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

lol I knew where it was going, but it was still good.