Post your funniest jokes...

[Cowboys_Rabbit_Fan]

Yay, i'm not a psychopath!!! GO ME!!

[Casey's Angel27]

Im a psychopath... Something i already knew

[jenny]

Im a psychopath... Something i already knew

:spit: Me too...

[SuperCliffy#01]

Maybe i am a lover and not a psychopath, i got it wrong.cya. :!:

[Social Loafer]

Note tasteless joke below, highlight to read..


A seal walks into a bar and says "get me anything except a Canadian club


I'll leave now.

[Social Loafer]

Good to see that one went down well

anyway best keep going, sadly half the stuff I got would not only break forum guidelines, but create new ones
-------------------------------
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue
---------------------------------

I'll get my coat..

[Ryan]

That one was worth posting Schifty

[~Wild Child~]

The Handsome Prince

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** **** *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** **** *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** **** *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

[BrisbaneBroncosRule]

lol, ive heard that one before, but thanks again Michel its hilarious

[Nathalie]

Q. How do you get down off an elephant?

A. You don't, you get down from ducks.

[jenny]

An Australian Love Poem
(Who said Australian's weren't romantic!)
----------------------------
Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.
:beer:

[jenny]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says,"Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies,"I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says,"Pick a night."

[~Wild Child~]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says,"Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies,"I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

Well," says Stevie, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says,"Pick a night."

:rotflmao:

[jenny]

Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy
Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing
a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother
patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of
him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother
and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet
reprimand.

After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far
as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that*
wide."

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother
severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly,
"Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and
told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother
threatened him with his very life and existence.

Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of
the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.

Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN
FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"

[Ryan]

^^^