Post your funniest jokes...

[jenny]

The Lighter Side
The Two Things

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it
is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: "The first is that
you not be disgusted".

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of
the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"
he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking
turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told
them: "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger
and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"

[Capital_Shark]

Not bad Jenny, hadn't heard that one before.

I know a lot of jokes but I'm gonna have flick through and see if any are PC enough. I'd really like to be a top contributor to this thread but I've got knock-knock and 'why'd the chicken cross the road' jokes that wouldn't cut it here.

[jenny]

Not bad Jenny, hadn't heard that one before.

I know a lot of jokes but I'm gonna have flick through and see if any are PC enough. I'd really like to be a top contributor to this thread but I've got knock-knock and 'why'd the chicken cross the road' jokes that wouldn't cut it here.

Go check them out Sharky! :ok:

[patrick]

These are very silly, and I wouldn't know if you've heard them before?
Got a few Lebanese jokes: (i'm not trying to be rude).

Why are Lebanese bad at soccer?
...
...
Because whenever they get a corner, they set up a kebab shop.


Why was the Lebanese guy in hospital?
...
...
Because he was fully-sick!

You've probably heard them before, but hey!

[Social Loafer]

Half the jokes I have would probably breach the member guidelines

Anyway....


A farmer was sitting in a bar one afternoon, getting slowly drunk. A man came over to talk to him.
"You look down" said the man. "Its a beautiful day. How can you be miserable on a day like this?".
The farmer mumbled "some things you just cant explain."
"Come on tell me about it." said the man. "It might help to talk to someone."
"If you really want to know," said the farmer, "I was sitting in the barn this morning milking my cow and id just got it full when she kicked it over with her left leg."
"Is that all? Its not exactly the end of the world."
"Some things you just cant explain mumbled the farmer."
"So what did you do?"
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I carried on milking and just as i got the bucket full again, she kicked it over with her right leg."
"I can see that would be annoying."
The farmer mumbled, "Some things you just cant explain."
"So what did you do next?"
"I tied her right leg to the post on the right with some rope and carried on milking." And just as the bucket was filling up, she knocked it over with her tail."
"You must of been angry now?"
"Somethings you just cant explain." mumbled the farmer.
"What did you do?"
"I didnt have any rope left, so i took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just cant explain."

[jenny]

Half the jokes I have would probably breach the member guidelines

Anyway....


A farmer was sitting in a bar one afternoon, getting slowly drunk. A man came over to talk to him.
"You look down" said the man. "Its a beautiful day. How can you be miserable on a day like this?".
The farmer mumbled "some things you just cant explain."
"Come on tell me about it." said the man. "It might help to talk to someone."
"If you really want to know," said the farmer, "I was sitting in the barn this morning milking my cow and id just got it full when she kicked it over with her left leg."
"Is that all? Its not exactly the end of the world."
"Some things you just cant explain mumbled the farmer."
"So what did you do?"
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I carried on milking and just as i got the bucket full again, she kicked it over with her right leg."
"I can see that would be annoying."
The farmer mumbled, "Some things you just cant explain."
"So what did you do next?"
"I tied her right leg to the post on the right with some rope and carried on milking." And just as the bucket was filling up, she knocked it over with her tail."
"You must of been angry now?"
"Somethings you just cant explain." mumbled the farmer.
"What did you do?"
"I didnt have any rope left, so i took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just cant explain."

:rotflmao:

[patrick]

Great one Schifty!

Cheers Sharky!

:lol!: :lol!: :lol!:

[Capital_Shark]

These are very silly, and I wouldn't know if you've heard them before?
Got a few Lebanese jokes: (i'm not trying to be rude).

Why are Lebanese bad at soccer?
...
...
Because whenever they get a corner, they set up a kebab shop.


Why was the Lebanese guy in hospital?
...
...
Because he was fully-sick!

You've probably heard them before, but hey!

I like the kebab shop one. And to add onto the hospital one, why was his friend in hospital? He was fully-sick mate. (Yes, I'll give myself an upper cut for that crap, but remember, he started it!)

[Social Loafer]

that Corne rone used to be about Greek's and Fish n chip shops... Then the bastards ruined it all by winning Euro..

[Ryan]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

[J-Storm]

I haven't heard that joke before that I am aware of so I got a good chuckle outta that one. Hope others have some just as good :rotflmao:

[Ryan]

Didn't realise there was already thread for this (didn't use search function either!). Thanks to which Mod moved my post......

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself."

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[jenny]

Merry Christmas Everyone
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November
to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after
they
give
birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen,
had to be a
girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a
fat-ass man in
a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. :beer:
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY.. XOXOXOXOXO :hi:

[Robbie_Dee]

whats the key to a good Christmas Dinner?

A turKEY!! lol - so lame...

and...When's the best time to buy a chicken?

When its going cheap!!!!! LOL! The ad makes it a lot funnier...

[BrisbaneBroncosRule]

Merry Christmas Everyone
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November
to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after
they
give
birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen,
had to be a
girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a
fat-ass man in
a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. :beer:
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY.. XOXOXOXOXO :hi:

:lol!: :lol!: :lol!: