Zillman Finds Purpose

[K2G]

William Zillman says horses helped him find his purpose and redefine his identity
TODD BALYM RUGBY LEAGUE THE COURIER-MAIL MAY 10, 2015 12:00AM



WILLIAM Zillman does not like the person he is. But he likes the person he is becoming.

This is a rugby league story unlike any other, because it is about a player who on the surface appears to have it all, except real happiness.

He is not suffering depression. He is not seeking forgiveness or trying to change opinions of him because he has never put a foot wrong.

He is one of the Titans’ most popular players and he finally is ready to show the world who he really is because for the first time in his life he feels comfortable in his own skin.

All thanks to a horse named Timba.


Zillman says that for years he was emotionally paralysed. Life as a well-paid footballer was an empty existence

But in September 2011 he set out on a path of self-discovery to find his passion in life, confronting life beyond the white lines of a rugby league field.

“Playing sport for a living is empty and meaningless unless you have something else in your life that makes your heart skip,” Zillman said.

“For many that’s often the distraction of a girlfriend or mates but that’s still not an actual purpose. Purpose is working out what drawer you belong in, where you’re going to leave your mark in life.

“Without that answer, free time is like a dark hole you fall into, every day you leave the club.”

In late 2011, Zillman was pointed in the direction of a mentor in Melbourne who changed his life.

“I had always longed to have someone in my life I could be completely candid with, who was not afraid to discuss anything, but in a detached manner,” he said.

“Sometimes there’s a different comfort in discussing your life and your future with a complete stranger because you can be completely candid without fear of offending anyone.

“One of our goals together has been to find a purpose worthy of my life that challenges my strengths and weaknesses at the same time.”

It took a couple of years, but finally 14 months ago Zillman found his purpose in horses.

For three generations his mother’s family has had a working property at Proserpine, while he has also spent time at Dryhead Ranch in Montana on a cattle muster and done training with Carlos Tabernaberri at Whispering Acres in Victoria.

Zillman’s approach to horses “would make my cousins cringe with laughter”, but he is inspired by Buck Brannaman, who inspired the movie The Horse Whisperer.

“There’s something incredibly real and frightening about a horse, even for a rugby league player,” Zillman said.

“But if you show them your truth and you are totally consistent they will let you into their space without force or coercion.

“I have no doubt that this is my vocation, even if one day I have to wash dishes to support it. If I can show people something of themselves, in a new way through my work with a horse, I will have lived a good life.”

Zillman bought Timba from a family farm in Gympie in January. He knew immediately the two-year-old quarterhorse was the challenge he needed in his life.

“Before you can really see something you need to manage the noise and distraction in your mind,” he said.

It took a couple of years, but finally 14 months ago Zillman found his purpose in horses.

For three generations his mother’s family has had a working property at Proserpine, while he has also spent time at Dryhead Ranch in Montana on a cattle muster and done training with Carlos Tabernaberri at Whispering Acres in Victoria.

Zillman’s approach to horses “would make my cousins cringe with laughter”, but he is inspired by Buck Brannaman, who inspired the movie The Horse Whisperer.

“There’s something incredibly real and frightening about a horse, even for a rugby league player,” Zillman said.

“But if you show them your truth and you are totally consistent they will let you into their space without force or coercion.

“I have no doubt that this is my vocation, even if one day I have to wash dishes to support it. If I can show people something of themselves, in a new way through my work with a horse, I will have lived a good life.”

Zillman bought Timba from a family farm in Gympie in January. He knew immediately the two-year-old quarterhorse was the challenge he needed in his life.

“Before you can really see something you need to manage the noise and distraction in your mind,” he said.

“The deal I made with myself is that I was happy to see a hundred horses waiting until my instincts kicked in. When I first saw Timba in a paddock seven hours from here I just knew.”

Timba was jittery and nervous those first few days at the property in Tallebudgera Valley.

Zillman moves a breakneck speed on a football field but in the paddock he is calm and methodical. It is a world away from the hustle and bustle of the NRL.

Now, man and horse move as one. Timba is attentive to Zillman’s every command. They walk in circles, side to side, the horse gently nuzzling his head into Zillman’s chest as they pose for our photographer.

Footballers are not meant to have attention spans this long, let alone wild animals, but these two are best friends. Zillman whispers commands and makes the horse move with nothing more than a twirl of his rope.

In the documentary Buck, Brannaman says the horse is a mirror to the soul. “Sometimes you will not like what you see, sometimes you will.”

So what does Zillman see of himself in Timba?

“I think my horse would say that I struggle with intimacy. Really letting go of fear, and trusting others. Trusting animals and humans in equal measure,” Zillman said.

“But I’d like to think I am making progress in this area, and it’s manifesting in the trust and progress we make each day together in the paddock. I don’t like what I see. I like what I’m becoming.”

One reason Zillman is showing this side of himself, particularly now, is he wants NRL fans to realise there is always more to players than what you see on the field, on TV or in the newspapers.

Timba came into his life just before the cocaine crisis gripped the Titans. The horse became his salvation. The one place he could escape the whirlwind of cameras, uncertainty and judging eyes.

“I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t completely pissed off with what happened, with the focus and pressure it put the club under,” Zillman said.

“The guys have pleaded not guilty and no one will know the truth until it goes through the courts.

“I’m very anti-drugs. But by association, we all become suspects in the public’s eyes in these cases. People make their own judgments.

“They see that we earn a lot of money and it’s hard for the average person in the street to make sense of the shenanigans they sometimes read about.

“Like them, I used to see life in very black and white terms when I was younger. But life and people are mostly grey.”

This is why Zillman’s story is important to tell.

There was a time at the Titans when he was referred to as the “Total Package.”

Everyone thought Zillman had it all. Skills, speed and endurance. At his best and in full flight he is among the most damaging fullbacks in the game.

But beneath it all he wasn’t happy. His life was just a cycle of winning or losing. Professional sport lost its innocence long ago.

Knowing the NRL system could chew him up and spit him out at any moment left him hollow and frightened.

So if a player who seems to have it all feels so desolate, how can we be so quick to judge others who may go astray when nobody really knows what is going on in their life?

That’s why Zillman, notoriously private, wanted to open up his life for the world to see. He has penned his inner most thoughts on his own website — williamzillman.com — and wants to show that everybody has weakness but real strength is owning your feelings rather than trying to hide from even those closest to you.

“I felt the recent drugs story cast a larger shadow over all of us,’’ he said. “If you say nothing in these circumstances it creates a vacuum for others to make assumptions about your life.

“Because I was starting to open the door on my project with Timba I felt ready to let others see the real me.

“I thought this was a positive story for a change about a rugby league player finding his legs in life. I hope others see from my answers my own grey life. I’m not good or bad, just somewhere in between.

“(I wish I had) embraced the fear of life and its many challenges earlier. Not cared so much what my teammates thought of me. Been more of a leader to others, rather than shy and reluctant.

“I’m still the same person really, but there are more layers to me now and I’m starting to manifest the skills to make things happen for myself, without the bravado of the past.

“I’m much happier to raise my hand when I don’t know something and ask for help.

“I see life for what it is now, a journey, but I’m strangely content.’’



- - - Updated - - -

Wow

[Titan4Life]

Surely this is a gee up? Strangest article I have ever read and actually slightly scary.

"Zillman moves a breakneck speed on a football field but in the paddock he is calm and methodical. It is a world away from the hustle and bustle of the NRL."

"Now, man and horse move as one. Timba is attentive to Zillman’s every command. They walk in circles, side to side, the horse gently nuzzling his head into Zillman’s chest as they pose for our photographer."

[DavidBouveng]

him and cooper cronk in the same room would be interesting.

it's a pretty out there article...which is maybe why its important. gives a side of players, and people in general that a lot of people don't know about and maybe don't understand.

Not for me, but i hope he enjoys his journey and finds fulfilment.

edit: actually reading again, it seems he really wasn't in a good place, so huge respect for finding his way out and for having the guts to put this out there knowing many will rubbish him for it.

[Nick]

But in September 2011 he set out on a path of self-discovery to find his passion in life, confronting life beyond the white lines of a rugby league field.

Unfortunately a few of the titans boys like the white lines a little too much.

That is as far as I made it through, too much reading for a Saturday night.

[K2G]

Kudos to him for putting it all out there. He is obviously an introspective guy, and rugby league could probably do with a few more blokes who defy the boof-head / tough guy stereotype. As a dude of a similar age, facing many of the same existential crises, l also hope he finds his quan...

But god damn, he'd be a much easier guy to love if he didn't play for my team.

By all means, employ him as a titan for life in an off-field role - but Todd Balym must've been laughing to himself while typing this rubbish up. 'Amongst the most damaging fullbacks in the game' ?!! seriously?

I'm all for a feel good story - but why not write them about blokes who earn it by killing it for us every week??

I know, I know - there's more to footy than winning, and there's more to footy players than what we see on the field - but Zilly has had his time in the sun, and has obvisouly found something that makes him happy outside of it. If the game doesn't still fill him with joy anymore, maybe it's time to let a young bloke have a shot at their dream?

[DIEHARD]

I like horses too so I can understand William's attraction. Good on him. I think he is most certainly right about the NRL system being merciless and that itll spit him out. So that wouldnt be very fulfilling. I will check out his website.

“I have no doubt that this is my vocation, even if one day I have to wash dishes to support it. If I can show people something of themselves, in a new way through my work with a horse, I will have lived a good life.”

[DIEHARD]

A bit from his website. Looking forward to updates. Good luck.

So on January 19th 2015, I took delivery of a beautiful gelding; wild, untrained and full of possibility. Unsoiled by anything, full only of the loose strictures of nature.

His name is Timba.

Over the next few months I will be adding content to this site as Timba and I make progress.

Providing a glimpse into a crazy business idea I’ve had that just might have legs.

[Titanic]

A bit of marketing for "his crazy business idea"? … personally, a bit uncomfortable with all of that which did nothing to change my opinion of him either as a person or as a footballer.

[gotitans101_]

A bit of marketing for "his crazy business idea"? … personally, a bit uncomfortable with all of that which did nothing to change my opinion of him either as a person or as a footballer.

yep couldn't have said it better.

[Toads]

I'd rather see him ride off into the sunset on Timba.

With that said, if this helps improve his game then I'm all for it. But I got to be honest, I'm not holding out much hope.

[JunctionBlock]

I couldn't get through it. Perhaps the Broncos can hire him to ride around the field on a horse. But it is good to see an article on one of the Titans most popular players. When I started to read it I thought he was coming out of the closet.

[DIEHARD]

I wanna see the crazy business idea. Not much substance yet. Maybe it is more a social enterprise. Animals and business isn't always pretty.

Yay JunctionBlock, riding Buck the Bronco crossed my mind.

[matti]

I thought this was a thread about zillman coming out...but upon reading i still think this is the case.

[DavidBouveng]

I wanna see the crazy business idea. Not much substance yet. Maybe it is more a social enterprise. Animals and business isn't always pretty.

Yay JunctionBlock, riding Buck the Bronco crossed my mind.

i think it might be a type of retreat helping people with social or internal issues (and i dont mean crazy or depressed, just people who are seeking more and are looking for guidance). i dont think it is being built to make him a millionaire. it sounds like a passion project and he wants to help others come out and find their true identity.

Ive given TP alot of grief for his performances... but no matter if its hard to read, sounds gay, or isnt your thing, i just think its commendable in many ways.

[Titanic]

I thought this was a thread about zillman coming out...but upon reading i still think this is the case.

Yep … the Horse Whisperer meets Brokeback Mountain.