The headline I don't want to read

[Titanic]

Things are a bit slow on the Forum so I thought we should get some debate going. What do you most fear reading in the press between now and the pre-season? I have a lot but I'll start with the most obvious one:

SEARLE FIDDLES WHILE THE TITANS BURN
It was announced today that Titans have gone under due to the disclosure of secretly released documents that showed that majority share-holder and grande poobah Michael Searle had funded his 1,700 dollar luxury dinghy with the combined proceeds of the struggling club's sausage sizzles over the past seven years.

Volunteer bbq chef and local bingo connoisseur Mabel McLeish spoke through her tear-stained handkerchief, "I can't believe what that nice young Michael has done. I hope his boat grows horns and rips him a new one. Oops, sorry, am I allowed to say that in public?"

Meanwhile, Searle was tracked down at bongo classes on the rooftop of the Cayman Islands Hilton where he reportedly answered questions with a "hey mister tally man, tally me bananas" sang in a strange Caribbean accent.

Long time friend and confidant John Cartwright was also spotted rubbing coconut oil into his shoulders while sipping on a Blue Mountains latte.

[Titanic]

One lone response (thanks mate) and no other takers where are all you punters?

TRAINING ACCIDENT PUTS TITANS IN A HOLE
New head coach Neil Henry was looking a worried man after a training accident seriously injured eleven of the expected 2015 starting team plus out of favour fullback Will Zip Zip TP Zillman.

In an effort to inspire the team as they settled into their underwhelming digs at The snobby Southport School, things took a turn for the worse when an innovative strength and conditioning drill went horribly wrong.

King had found the new drill on the back of a muesli bar and quickly gave new recruit David Hala the lead role. Called the reverse pyramid, Hala, the strongest man never to play much first grade crouched down in the squat position. Neanderthals Ryan James and Nate Myles then climbed onto his shoulders. The next layer included the chunky trio Greg Bird, Aidan Sezer and Paul Carter followed by the more streamlined quartet of Zillman, David Mead, Kevin Gordon and new old boy Ryan Simpkins.

However, it all came unstuck when Dave Taylor, having bravely negotiated his way to the top level, tried to complete the maneuver with the requisite handstand. Several factors conspired to bring the drill unstuck. Firstly, Myles broke wind causing Zillman to giggle. His shaking bumped Gordon who nearly lost his balance brushing his hair out of his eyes and then nature stepped in.

The training field, nestled beside the picturesque Southport reach, could take no more. Under the waterlogged bank, an ancient sinkhole succumbed to the extreme downward pressure and first Hala followed by the rest of his teammates disappeared in a slurping, boggy mire of mud.

Emergency Services supervisor Chip Panzee recalled that the scene when he arrived reminded him of the chocolate mousse at Jupiter's Buffet on a Saturday night.

[Surfers66]

William Zillman Re-Signs Until 2022

Much Loved and Titans Star Player William Zillman has Re-signed with the club until 2022.
Zillman leads the Titans in all aspects off the field and while he hasnt scored a try or made a line break in his past 27 games he is still seen as vital cog as the Titans pursue their Maiden Premiership.

[TITAN PETE]

Martin "Marty" Lang to take over as Head Coach

Martin or Marty as known to his only friend is set to take over as Head Coach for the Gold Coast Titans on a 5 year deal after another forgetful season where they only avoided the Wooden Spoon after the Brisbane Donkeys were found to have breached the salary cap by 2 million dollars & had all their competition points taken away leaving the Titans sitting 2 points ahead of their "Big Brother" rivals from up the M1.

Lang is set to announce his coaching team which will include John Cartwright as his advisor.

[Bayside Titan]

Things are a bit slow on the Forum so I thought we should get some debate going. What do you most fear reading in the press between now and the pre-season? I have a lot but I'll start with the most obvious one:

Sad thing is that I think that headlines like the one you have written will raise there head. :-)

[Mexican titan]

Carty arrives at Centre of Excellence

Australia's best paid tea lady, John Cartwright, turned up at the Robina Centre of Excellence today to start his new job as tea lady for the Gold Coast Titans. When told by Bond University staff that the Titans had moved to the Southport school, Cartwright put on a scene and said he is a man of habit and he is doing exactly the same thing he has done for years. He said he changed nothing while he was coaching and intended to carry on the same way as tea lady, until another coaching job comes along.
After negotiation Cartwright will stay at the Centre of Excellence working for Bond, however the Titans will pick up a substantial portion of his $400,000 a year salary.

[Titanic]

The momentum gathers ... who said rugby league is a serious sport?

CHINESE GIANT PULLS OUT AT THE 11TH HOUR
Titans officials have been left scratching their noodles after Chinese bicycle giant Giant, who earlier this week announced a five year 2 million dollar per year sponsorship of the cash-strapped glitter strip club, back-pedalled today citing being misled.

"We had been led to believe that the Titans were fielding a star-studded line-up including players Steve Michaels, Mark Minichiello, Brad Takairangi, Luke Bailey and Albert Kelly", lamented Giant CEO Fook Yuen. "In anticipation of this we had re-branded our new range of bicycles to include a Speedbump, a Mini, a Ranga, a Bull and an Alby; all auspicious names in the Chinese market."

Titans CEO Graham Annersley responded with a surprisingly up-beat prepared statement, "that's a lot of bull." He continued with, "negotiations are still continuing and with majority shareholder Michael Searle currently on his way to China, I am confident that some sort of a deal can still be worked out using our current playing roster."

This reporter has since found out that the path may not be so clear when looking at the team as Bird translates literally in Chinese to a metaphor for penis while Carter is synonymous with a peasant.

Spokesperson for the local Chinese community, Hu Flang Dung, commented, "we are not traditionally rugby league supporters and we had all been learning new phrases such as 'get off him he's not your mother' and 'Watmough's a wanker'. We will now probably go back to playing mahjong and pondering what could have been."

[gcboyz]

Wayne Bonnett signs on as coach for Australia's Womens Team. Buzz Stupidface the worlds most feared Journalist (read grog jockey) reports that Duddius Boy has checked into a Brisbane clinic for a sex change operation.

Newly appointed Salary cap auditor Blind Freddy had some serious questions for Donkeys administration recently. Asked why they had purchased a brown paper bag factory, a spokesman who declined to be named or photographed released a statement. "This is a great fit for our club. The bags will be used mainly for Slam Fridays lunch saving the club a fortune. We have huge forward orders from the Sydney Rorters and we are working on a supersized bag for a new client in Canberra" After a full and frank fifteen minute investigation Blind Freddy was treated to a working lunch at a nearby secret location betting on the Gee-Gee's.

Bekky Frizzypants the newly appointed Grand Poo-Bah of the Cold Coast Titians has announced the construction of a ten storey car park next to "Far Queue Stadium" (New Chinese naming rights sponsors). Mr Billy Zillwoman has been named as manager on a forty year contract. Asked why there were only twelve parking spots allocated for the playing group Mrs Frizzypants was quite candid. "Most of the young guys have lost their license for DUI and can't drive, and the forwards can get to the ground more cheaply on the bus using their old age concession cards".

The league has hosed down speculation that the Fishfingers from the Shire are being relocated. There is no truth to the rumour that they were being moved to the Philippines and renamed the Manila Folders.

Long bay correctional facility has been named as back of jersey sponsor for Souffs. A spokesman was quoted as saying "We have a long term relationship with lots of the players and fans and this year will be adding a frequent flyer programme". Souffs also released a new edition Monopoly board with "Go directly to jail" on every square.

Sales in the monster raffle at Penriff have been slow. First prize is a lap dance from Gus Ghoul. Second prize is two lap dances from Gus.

[Titanic]

A busy week for rugby league anti-news, this time from the world of women's rugby league:

TWISTED KNICKER KNOTTERS
This week our focus is on the latest round of the World Women’s Rugby League Club Championship where the HTC Desire Cup, a double d-sized extravaganza, entered its penultimate weekend with the planet’s top femme foot-als battling to secure the coveted trophy and $250 worth of Billabong vouchers.

The tournament, which is bankrolled by that doyen of Australian radio Alan Jones, has undergone numerous changes to attract new fans over the past few weeks. Unlike men’s league, the WWRLCC is played during the mornings to avoid clashing with Underbellyhair and to allow players to still make their school pick-ups. There is also a no indiscriminate hooking rule for obvious reasons.

Reigning champions, Baby Shower of Auckland, look unlikely to repeat their 2009 heroics after a 12-12 draw with midtable Samoa Sea Cucumbers kept them two wins off the top of their Pool with only one more game. Baby Shower’s Jean Windass opened the scoring, poking through a gaping hole after a defensive balls-up, but just two minutes later the Cuke’s Greeny Peacock finished-off with a delightful chip ‘n’ flake over the fullback assisted by some fine support from recently suspended Bertha Juggs, silencing her knockers. There was still time for Suey “Gooey” Moymoy to burst right up the middle after receving the ball in an unforced turnover, but Baby Shower later finished off as rampant pro’ Linda Leftlace’s deep penetration deceived the Islander’s wing when she came inside.

Over at Queef Street Mall, Glenice Stewart was presented with her Girl of the Month award for her finishing style. The Sex in the New York City flyer scored twice to defeat the King’s Kross Karesses, both times getting over the KKK’s fullback Clammy Hands. The win secures the Yankee club an adventure in next season’s 2 Girl’s 1 Europa Cup, providing they can overcome Italian side Garlic Bread in the preliminary round. Bread finished 2nd in La Donna Summer (Italian Women’s League) behind Florence Nightingale.

Despite baking conditions, Shanghai Strumpets preferred to play uncompromising rugby league over making cakes, and safely progressed with a 22-0 basting of the Kobe Coquettes. Elsewhere, the Virginia Wolves ran riot at The Vagina Molineux as Sylvia Ebanks-Blake and Georgina Elekobi both bagged hat-tricks in a 64-10 destruction of Glee Club.

Pool B was all but sewn up at the Gold Coast as Post Natal De Preston put last season’s disappointing campaign behind them to clinch victory over Zydney Zumba, much to the delight of their perma-tanned manager Phyllis the Gorilla Dilla. Next week the triumphant glitter strip side, nicknamed the “sad mums”, can move one step closer to receiving the trophy from bad boy prison heartthrob Carne Toddie as they take on the below average Size Zero of Seoul.

Meanwhile, the last rrrround of French Rugby Treize started this week. Things were frenetic on the field, with big wins for Zizou Zazzle, Leyton Lorient and Gay Paris.

The undoubted match of le day came in Bordeaux, where a full-bodied and fruity performance from the Vintage Reds was served up alongside a medium-rare display of attacking finesse from the normally standoffish Franck Leboeuf & Frites. Critics said both sides complemented each other delightfully, finishing in a mouth-watering 23-23 draw.

In the capital, Gay Paris – whose revolutionary menage a trois set-up of head coach Guy Guivarc’h, assistant Louis Llama and executive director Johnny Ribot de Raconteur has caused a stir even among liberals– snuck four tries past Le Pen et Pals, who don’t like it up ‘em. Elsewhere, table-toppers Zizou Zazzle took advantage of Vichy Clichy’s outdated Maginot backline to run out emphatic 18-6 winners at Stade de Stadium.

Leyton Lorient, sponsored by Barry Hearn’s new leisurewear range Le Cockney Sportif, comfortably outscored mid-table rivals L’Equipey-Uppy, who displayed unacceptably low arrogance levels going into the match. On-loan Darryl Lockierre scored a double in the 32-12 win, which his team-mates celebrated by making him eat something disgusting cooked in goose fat.

Elsewhere, it was Clouseau but no cigar for Les Pink Panthers, who also lost 0-10 against General De Goal. Whilst in the south, there was disappointment for fans of Don’t Want Toulouse and Battiston-and-on after a dispute over match bonuses meant a postponement. Philosophy periodical Sartre’s Left Foot questioned the internal paradox of loose heads going on strike by refusing to strike, while supporters amused themselves by setting fire to the local banlieue.

That cancellation will mean extra work for the fixture ordinateur, but also means the FRXIII moves up three places in France’s bureaucratic league table.

[Bayside Titan]

Just saw this one on The Lurkers page today. I wonder when this happened?


Titans injected with cash
TAKE it as read that the NRL loaned cash-strapped Gold Coast Titans some decent money to help the club from a financial bind.
It wasn't made public though, angering some rival NRL clubs.

- - - Updated - - -

Just saw this one on The Lurkers page today. I wonder when this happened?


Titans injected with cash
TAKE it as read that the NRL loaned cash-strapped Gold Coast Titans some decent money to help the club from a financial bind.
It wasn't made public though, angering some rival NRL clubs.