Bill of Rights for Australia?

[DIEHARD]

Bill of Rights for Australia?

POSH lawyer Geoffrey Robertson QC - previously prominent during the Republican debate when he argued in favour of severing ties with the British, using a British accent acquired during many decades living in Britain - believes Australia needs a Bill of Rights.

"Australia is the only country without a Bill of Rights," Robertson said this week, Britishly.

"We are alone among advanced liberal democracies in not having a Bill of Rights which has a presumption in favour of freedom of expression."

A fine idea, Geoffo. But who would compose such a Bill? Ideally we'd be able to go back 150 years or so, grab four or five normal middle-class citizens and put them to work:

"Pay attention. You've got 30 minutes to come up with a list of rights held by all Australians. You there, top hat - take notes."

A sensible charter would result. Trouble is, in 2007 any Bill of Rights project would be captured by panic lobbyists and grievance shriekers and other types generally confined to asylums in enlightened 1857. You'd end up with a legal document enshrining the rights of bisexual SBS employees to state-funded vegan heroin, or something that allows people to vote via YouTube.

Full human status might be granted to sugar gliders.

Or Greens senators.

No. That won't do. As one of the few mid-19th century throwbacks currently employed in the Australian media - you may recognise us by our monocles and refusal to recognise any post-partition maps of India - the responsibility for an Australian Bill of Rights clearly falls to me.

So, let our rights now be upheld:

1. Australia shall have a free press. That is to say, it shall not have a press funded without the consent of taxpayers, who otherwise might be compelled to hand over some $750 million every year for a load of commie bull on the ABC.

2. Should a person decide to open an establishment in which citizens are welcome to enjoy a cigarette with their drink, no law may prevent this.

3. Were a person to advocate a Australian population limit of between six and 12 million, as Tim Flannery did in 1995, Tim Flannery shall be prevented from having children. Of which he has two, the ridiculous hypocrite.

4. If an intruder unlawfully enters a house and is confronted by an armed homeowner, all bets are off.

5. Those who sneer at tabloid newspapers, because news printed on smaller pages is somehow inferior to news published on larger pages, shall retain the right to admit at any time that owners of massive plasma televisions receive higher-quality news than owners of smaller televisions.

6. Artists may attack Islam with the same vigour they attack Christianity. Please, go ahead. Try it right now. Good luck with all those changes of address.

7. Any wealthy environmentalist living in a coastal property shall place said property on the market at half its estimated worth the moment they make public any fears that Australia is threatened by rising oceans.

8. The right of singers, actors, dancers, cartoonists, sculptors and other practitioners of the emotional arts to proclaim on serious social, scientific or military matters shall be balanced by the right of audiences to mock them to the point of breakdown.

9. Any opponent of nuclear power shall be granted the right to never visit France, the US, Japan, the UK, or any nation where nuclear power is used.

This right will also extend to a ban on them buying or consuming any goods sourced from those nations.

10. Protesters at events such as APEC will retain the right to be treated gently by police, as has become customary, despite incendiary provocation. Except for one event per year, not to be indicated in advance, during which police may respond as they wish with absolutely no fear of prosecution.

11. Any Australian citizen may at any time write a book, present a play, make a film, or complete an art work of any type, entirely free of any government intrusion. Including intrusion in the form of grants.

12. Upon the death of any Australian listed among our National Living Treasures (especially Phillip Adams, Julian Burnside, Peter Garrett, Jennie George, Marcus Einfeld, Bob Brown, Tim Costello, Robyn Williams, Pat O'Shane and Michael Leunig), citizens may help themselves to all their stuff.

13. The right - no, the responsibility - shall exist for media commentators who complain about the gap between rich and poor to immediately request a substantial pay cut.

14. To preserve the right of Australians to be protected from toxic waste, radioactive metals, noxious gases and deadly biological agents, all such materials should be stored in Adelaide, where they will have the incidental side-effect of boosting property values.

There. That's enough for Robertson QC to chew on during his next series of Hypotheticals.

By the way, do you think Robbo's author wife Kathy Lette speaks at home in the same pun-swamped manner we see in her books? If so, all mockery is withdrawn. The poor bloke has suffered enough.

http://www.news.com.au

[jenny]

Kathy Lette & Geoffrey Robertson
Can be very very witty.
But sometimes its Overkill.
He's a very clever man though. She's no slouch either.

[Ryan]

4. If an intruder unlawfully enters a house and is confronted by an armed homeowner, all bets are off.

7. Any wealthy environmentalist living in a coastal property shall place said property on the market at half its estimated worth the moment they make public any fears that Australia is threatened by rising oceans.

8. The right of singers, actors, dancers, cartoonists, sculptors and other practitioners of the emotional arts to proclaim on serious social, scientific or military matters shall be balanced by the right of audiences to mock them to the point of breakdown.

I offer 1 vote for any polly offering to bring these policies in.

[Hoppy2007Dragons]

Welcome back ryan, i reckon 6 is solid gold.

[Capital_Shark]

2, 4, 7, 8 and 10 are all winners with me.

[C-Whiz]

More gold from DIEHARD!

4. If an intruder unlawfully enters a house and is confronted by an armed homeowner, all bets are off.

I especially like this one. I have to keep my baseball bat wrapped in gift paper, just in case I ever need to use it. This way it wasn't a weapon, it was a gift that got opened early!

[C-Whiz]

I also thought 9 and 14 could have been included in the one clause. But who wants to visit Adelaide anyway?