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jenny
03-11-06, 08:44 PM
The Lighter Side
The Two Things

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first
anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it
is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: "The first is that
you not be disgusted".

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of
the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"
he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking
turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told
them: "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger
and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"

Capital_Shark
03-11-06, 08:48 PM
Not bad Jenny, hadn't heard that one before.

I know a lot of jokes but I'm gonna have flick through and see if any are PC enough. I'd really like to be a top contributor to this thread but I've got knock-knock and 'why'd the chicken cross the road' jokes that wouldn't cut it here.

jenny
03-11-06, 08:51 PM
Not bad Jenny, hadn't heard that one before.

I know a lot of jokes but I'm gonna have flick through and see if any are PC enough. I'd really like to be a top contributor to this thread but I've got knock-knock and 'why'd the chicken cross the road' jokes that wouldn't cut it here.
Go check them out Sharky! :ok:

patrick
03-11-06, 08:53 PM
These are very silly, and I wouldn't know if you've heard them before?
Got a few Lebanese jokes: (i'm not trying to be rude). ;)

Why are Lebanese bad at soccer?
...
...
Because whenever they get a corner, they set up a kebab shop.


Why was the Lebanese guy in hospital?
...
...
Because he was fully-sick!

You've probably heard them before, but hey!

Social Loafer
03-11-06, 08:55 PM
Half the jokes I have would probably breach the member guidelines :laugh:

Anyway....


A farmer was sitting in a bar one afternoon, getting slowly drunk. A man came over to talk to him.
"You look down" said the man. "Its a beautiful day. How can you be miserable on a day like this?".
The farmer mumbled "some things you just cant explain."
"Come on tell me about it." said the man. "It might help to talk to someone."
"If you really want to know," said the farmer, "I was sitting in the barn this morning milking my cow and id just got it full when she kicked it over with her left leg."
"Is that all? Its not exactly the end of the world."
"Some things you just cant explain mumbled the farmer."
"So what did you do?"
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I carried on milking and just as i got the bucket full again, she kicked it over with her right leg."
"I can see that would be annoying."
The farmer mumbled, "Some things you just cant explain."
"So what did you do next?"
"I tied her right leg to the post on the right with some rope and carried on milking." And just as the bucket was filling up, she knocked it over with her tail."
"You must of been angry now?"
"Somethings you just cant explain." mumbled the farmer.
"What did you do?"
"I didnt have any rope left, so i took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just cant explain."

jenny
03-11-06, 08:57 PM
Half the jokes I have would probably breach the member guidelines :laugh:

Anyway....


A farmer was sitting in a bar one afternoon, getting slowly drunk. A man came over to talk to him.
"You look down" said the man. "Its a beautiful day. How can you be miserable on a day like this?".
The farmer mumbled "some things you just cant explain."
"Come on tell me about it." said the man. "It might help to talk to someone."
"If you really want to know," said the farmer, "I was sitting in the barn this morning milking my cow and id just got it full when she kicked it over with her left leg."
"Is that all? Its not exactly the end of the world."
"Some things you just cant explain mumbled the farmer."
"So what did you do?"
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I carried on milking and just as i got the bucket full again, she kicked it over with her right leg."
"I can see that would be annoying."
The farmer mumbled, "Some things you just cant explain."
"So what did you do next?"
"I tied her right leg to the post on the right with some rope and carried on milking." And just as the bucket was filling up, she knocked it over with her tail."
"You must of been angry now?"
"Somethings you just cant explain." mumbled the farmer.
"What did you do?"
"I didnt have any rope left, so i took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just cant explain."
:rotflmao:

Capital_Shark
03-11-06, 08:57 PM
These are very silly, and I wouldn't know if you've heard them before?
Got a few Lebanese jokes: (i'm not trying to be rude). ;)

Why are Lebanese bad at soccer?
...
...
Because whenever they get a corner, they set up a kebab shop.


Why was the Lebanese guy in hospital?
...
...
Because he was fully-sick!

You've probably heard them before, but hey!

I like the kebab shop one. And to add onto the hospital one, why was his friend in hospital? He was fully-sick mate. (Yes, I'll give myself an upper cut for that crap, but remember, he started it!)

Social Loafer
03-11-06, 09:00 PM
that Corne rone used to be about Greek's and Fish n chip shops... Then the bastards ruined it all by winning Euro..

patrick
03-11-06, 09:00 PM
Great one Schifty!

Cheers Sharky!

:lol!: :lol!: :lol!:

jenny
03-11-06, 09:01 PM
Three brazilian



In a Cabinet meeting this morning, Donald Rumsfeld reported to the President and the cabinet. He said, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says, "Oh, my God!" and buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned. Not a word is spoken. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to this kind of report.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian?" :ok:

jenny
03-11-06, 09:02 PM
two guys looking for their wives

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she's a redhead with blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing a blue midriff tank-top and white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

patrick
03-11-06, 09:05 PM
Yeah, one of the classics :clap: :laugh:

jenny
03-11-06, 09:08 PM
The Lord and the biker

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" :nope:

jenny
03-11-06, 09:11 PM
The fairy

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and ****! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - ****! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female. :naughty:

Capital_Shark
03-11-06, 09:12 PM
The Lord and the biker

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" :nope:

lol I knew where it was going, but it was still good.

Capital_Shark
03-11-06, 09:14 PM
The fairy

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and ****! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - ****! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female. :naughty:

Mystical little mongrels! I always hated that friggin Tinkerbell anyhow.

jenny
03-11-06, 09:14 PM
How to Save the Airlines

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the heck . The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

jenny
03-11-06, 09:17 PM
Man's earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!" :naughty:

jenny
03-11-06, 09:19 PM
Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn
into something acceptable to have dinner with. :laugh:

patrick
03-11-06, 09:24 PM
Here's another, again i'm not trying to be rude.
Again its really silly, but here goes...
It's actually based on a real story!
My really funny uncle travelled to Townsville and saw this happen!

An Aboriginal guy goes up to north Queensland and visits a shop which sells necklaces made with a type of gun bullet hung on the end.
The Aboriginal guy goes to the counter and says "Yeah mate, can I have one of those bullet necklaces mate?"
The guy at the counter says "Yep, what sort of gun bullet do you want mate?"
The Aboriginal guy says "One of them deadly ones!"
:whatd:

jenny
03-11-06, 09:27 PM
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.

Robbie_Dee
07-11-06, 07:34 PM
An Irish man, and Elephant and a Giraffe all walk into a bar, sit down and ask for a drink...the barman than sais, "what is this...a joke?"

Lmao!

jenny
07-11-06, 07:35 PM
An Irish man, and Elephant and a Giraffe all walk into a bar, sit down and ask for a drink...the barman than sais, "what is this...a joke?"

Lmao!
:dizzy: :laugh:

Robbie_Dee
07-11-06, 07:35 PM
Why do New Zealand horse's run so fast???

Because they've seen what they do to their sheep!!!

lol!

jenny
09-11-06, 09:50 PM
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" :roll:

jenny
09-11-06, 10:04 PM
A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

Coaster
09-11-06, 10:15 PM
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick
one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
Employee's' home phone number and was greeted with a child's' whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No,"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mummy there?"

"Yes,"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No,"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through
the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

"The search team just landed a helicopter,"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME"

jenny
09-11-06, 10:17 PM
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

jenny
09-11-06, 10:22 PM
As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

BrisbaneBroncosRule
10-11-06, 08:32 AM
:rotflmao: Jenny great jokes

Here is a joke i heared yesterday. (So Stupid :lol!:)

Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
-
-
-
-
-
-
A: Tyranasoreass

jenny
10-11-06, 10:19 AM
:rotflmao: Jenny great jokes

Here is a joke i heared yesterday. (So Stupid :lol!:)

Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
-
-
-
-
-
-
A: Tyranasoreass
:laugh:

gordon{fish}fisher
10-11-06, 11:43 AM
a salesman was driving in the bush when his car broke down he pulled over ,lifted the bonett to see what was wrong,when a horse walked over and said its your carby,the salesman checked carby,sure enough it was the carby fixed it and went on his way,next town he called into local pub,ordered a beer,told barman about the horse,barman said was it a white horse or black one,salesman said black one why,barman said because the white one knows nothing about cara :clap:

jenny
10-11-06, 11:45 AM
a salesman was driving in the bush when his car broke down he pulled over ,lifted the bonett to see what was wrong,when a horse walked over and said its your carby,the salesman checked carby,sure enough it was the carby fixed it and went on his way,next town he called into local pub,ordered a beer,told barman about the horse,barman said was it a white horse or black one,salesman said black one why,barman said because the white one knows nothing about cara :clap:
:laugh: :laugh:

jenny
11-11-06, 09:17 PM
Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

A. One less Drunk :beer: :dizzy:

Capital_Shark
11-11-06, 09:32 PM
Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

A. One less Drunk :beer: :dizzy:

ROFL! Thats good.

Robbie Dee's about the kiwi horses was good too lol.

BrisbaneBroncosRule
12-11-06, 12:11 PM
Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

A. One less Drunk :beer: :dizzy:

:roll: lol Jenny

Casey's Angel27
12-11-06, 01:26 PM
haha Jenny that is hilarious... :D

jenny
12-11-06, 05:53 PM
Obituary

Shamus opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Mick.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Shamus. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Mick. "Where are you callin' from?" :dizzy:

Capital_Shark
12-11-06, 06:15 PM
3 construction workers were having smoko on the scaffolding of a high rise building they were building. 1 was Mexican, 1 was Italian and 1 was Irish.

The Mexican opened up his lunch box and said "aww not burritos again! If my wife packs me burritos once more, I'm gonna jump off this building!"

The Italian bloke opens his lunch box, looks in and says "lasagne again! If my wife packs me lasagne for lunch once more, I'll jump off this building too!"

Finally the Irish fella opens his lunch box, looks in and sees an Irish stew. Like the rest of 'em he claims he'll jump from the building if his wife packs him stew for lunch again.

The next day comes around, smoko time again. The 3 workers, remembering their promises from the day before, sit down to eat. The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees burritos, stands up and jumps to his death. He is followed by the Italian who discovered more lasagne and the Irish fella with his stew taking a header off the building."

Later at the wake all the wifes are gathered around. The Mexican's wife is crying "if only I didn't pack him burritos, he'd still be alive!"

The Italian's wife cries out too "if only I gave him something other than lasagne, my husband would be here!"

The Irishman's wife however, isn't crying like the rest and blaming herself. When the other wives ask her "don't you blame yourself for you husband's death?" she says "no, the idiot used to pack his own lunch!"

jenny
12-11-06, 06:17 PM
:laugh: :laugh: SOOO funny!

jenny
12-11-06, 06:18 PM
1st Man: Oh hello, how are you, let me buy you a drink!
2nd Man: Why thank you." he replies. "Where are you from?
1st Man: Oh, I'm from Ireland," he replies.
2nd Man: You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
1st Man: Of course!

And they both pour back their drinks....

2nd Man: So, where in Ireland are you from?
1st Man: Dublin," comes the reply.
2nd Man: I can't believe it says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!
1st Man: Aye! why not!" And both men continue drinking.
2nd Man: So, like... hmmmm... What school did you go to?
1st Man: St. Mary's, I graduated in '62.
2nd Man: You don't say! This is bloody unbelievable, I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
1st Man: Noooo way???

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Oh nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again." :beer: :beer:

Capital_Shark
12-11-06, 06:18 PM
I forgot how long that bloody joke was until I started typing it.

Capital_Shark
12-11-06, 06:19 PM
1st Man: Oh hello, how are you, let me buy you a drink!
2nd Man: Why thank you." he replies. "Where are you from?
1st Man: Oh, I'm from Ireland," he replies.
2nd Man: You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
1st Man: Of course!

And they both pour back their drinks....

2nd Man: So, where in Ireland are you from?
1st Man: Dublin," comes the reply.
2nd Man: I can't believe it says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!
1st Man: Aye! why not!" And both men continue drinking.
2nd Man: So, like... hmmmm... What school did you go to?
1st Man: St. Mary's, I graduated in '62.
2nd Man: You don't say! This is bloody unbelievable, I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
1st Man: Noooo way???

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Oh nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again." :beer: :beer:

ROFL! I was expecting a mirror tbh but thats good too!

jenny
12-11-06, 06:22 PM
Duck Shooting

Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting. They had their guns and dogs and walked for hours with no success. Dropping into the pub on the way back they listened with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very successful.
"Where do you think we went wrong?" asked one.
His friend thought for a minute.
"You know, I think it must be that we're not throwing the dogs high enough."

jenny
12-11-06, 06:55 PM
The Great Australian Male

There are large men the whole world over
on a large and varied scale,
but none of them resemble
the Great Australian Male.
He's rugged and he's handsome,
he drinks beer instead of wine,
he's always out for pleasure,
of a very simple kind.
He's either off to see the footy
with a dozen cans or more,
or fishing with his buddies,
getting drunk along some shore.
He thinks he's quite a lover,
and he's sexy and discreet,
that he can get you in a quiver
from your head down to your feet.
But when he's got you ready,
lying limpid beneath the sheet,
you hear a snore and turn around
to find him sound asleep.
He's a funny sort of fellow
with more pride than he's got sense
and if you told him he was wrong,
he'd only take offence.
Oh, there are men who take you dancing,
out to dinner twice a week,
men who never dress in faded jeans
or die to take a leak.
Yes, there are men the whole world over
men with "charm" and "sense of style",
but how could we compare them to
The Great Australian Male. :win:

jenny
12-11-06, 07:06 PM
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk ( I will be drunk )
At home as if in tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage's
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
For ever and ever....

Barmen
:beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:

jenny
12-11-06, 07:11 PM
2. Newsflash! John Howard's library burned down on the weekend and two books, amongst other personal belongings, were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them. :p

jenny
12-11-06, 07:15 PM
I forgot how long that bloody joke was until I started typing it.
:laugh: :p

BrisbaneBroncosRule
12-11-06, 07:26 PM
Duck Shooting

Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting. They had their guns and dogs and walked for hours with no success. Dropping into the pub on the way back they listened with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very successful.
"Where do you think we went wrong?" asked one.
His friend thought for a minute.
"You know, I think it must be that we're not throwing the dogs high enough."

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I loved that one Jenny

jenny
13-11-06, 09:20 AM
Subject: Fw: Brooms....a groaner




Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom
broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and
said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.




"WE HAVEN'T SWEPT TOGETHER"

jenny
13-11-06, 11:15 AM
***
Paddy goes to the doctor

An Irish bloke goes to the Doctor. "Dactor, it's me
ass, I'd loik ya ta
take a look, if ya woot. Oi'm in acony."

So the Doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a
look. "Incredible",
he says, "There is a ?20 note lodged up here".
Tentatively the Doctor
eases the twenty out of the Paddy's ****, and then a
?10 appears. "This
is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me
to do?"

"Well fur Gads sake get it out, man" shrieks the
patient.

The Doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty
appears, and another.
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. How
moch is dare, den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. ?1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I
knew I wasn't feeling too grand" :laugh:

***

jenny
13-11-06, 11:19 AM
Paddy at the morgue

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly, so
the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His
two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.
Seamus went in first and the mortician pulled back the
sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll
him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The
mortician thought that was rather strange and then he
brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took
a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad,
roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean
looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". The
mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well,
Paddy had two assholes." "What, he had two
assholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew
he had two ****holes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two
assholes!"... :dizzy:


=====

jenny
13-11-06, 11:24 AM
A lad went to the Family Law Courts with his parents who were contesting who the boy would stay with after the separation. The judge asked the boy if he wanted to live with his mother. "No she beats me," he replied. The judge then asked the boy if he wanted to live with his father. "No, he beats me too," he said. The judge then asked the boy if he would like to live with his grandparents. "No, sometimes they beat me." Getting flustered, the judge asked the boy who he did want to live with. The boy said "The Sydney Swans, cause they don't beat anyone!"

:!: :') I love the SWANS!

jenny
13-11-06, 11:32 AM
Animals in the Outback

A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.

The motorist said, ?You probably won?t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way.?

The farmer was nonchalant in response. ?Yep, we breed them here.?

?But why?? asked the motorist.

?Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg.?

?And what do they taste like??

?Dunno?, replied the farmer, ?no one can catch the little bastards.?

jenny
13-11-06, 12:28 PM
How do AUSSIE men exercise at the beach
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Nathalie
13-11-06, 01:58 PM
How do AUSSIE men exercise at the beach
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Love it!!

When I was at the beach this morning, these two guys pretended to look for a spot to sit, then sat..

..directly behind the only two girls on the beach who had their tops off and their boobs in the air.

My sister and I had a good laugh then :laugh:

jenny
13-11-06, 02:06 PM
Love it!!

When I was at the beach this morning, these two guys pretended to look for a spot to sit, then sat..

..directly behind the only two girls on the beach who had their tops off and their boobs in the air.

My sister and I had a good laugh then :laugh:
:lol!: So Unpredictable :dizzy: right??

Nathalie
13-11-06, 02:12 PM
:lol!: So Unpredictable :dizzy: right??

Oh yeh. :laugh:

From my cousin, the Queen of lame jokes:

Q. What's red and looks like a bucket?
A. A red bucket.

Q. What's blue and looks like a bucket?

Joke-ee: A blue bucket?

A. Nope. A red bucket in disguise :D

:rotflmao:

jenny
13-11-06, 02:13 PM
Oh yeh. :laugh:

From my cousin, the Queen of lame jokes:

Q. What's red and looks like a bucket?
A. A red bucket.

Q. What's blue and looks like a bucket?

Joke-ee: A blue bucket?

A. Nope. A red bucket in disguise :D

:rotflmao:
:dizzy:

Casey's Angel27
13-11-06, 02:52 PM
Oh yeh. :laugh:

From my cousin, the Queen of lame jokes:

Q. What's red and looks like a bucket?
A. A red bucket.

Q. What's blue and looks like a bucket?

Joke-ee: A blue bucket?

A. Nope. A red bucket in disguise :D

:rotflmao:

haha thats funny

ok i have one

Q: Whats brown and sticky?

A: A stick

BrisbaneBroncosRule
13-11-06, 04:10 PM
haha thats funny

ok i have one

Q: Whats brown and sticky?

A: A stick

:laugh: :laugh: great stuff CA

Casey's Angel27
13-11-06, 04:28 PM
obvious yes funny... got a few laughs at my sisters wedding a couple of weeks ago... :D

BrisbaneBroncosRule
13-11-06, 04:34 PM
obvious yes funny... got a few laughs at my sisters wedding a couple of weeks ago... :D

:rotflmao: Ive actually heard it before

Q: Whats black and white and red all over?

A1: Newspaper
A2: A sunburnt Zebra :rotflmao:

Casey's Angel27
13-11-06, 04:35 PM
yeah that ones always good... heard that one too... :D

Q: Two horses walked into a bar. What did they say?

A: Ouch!

BrisbaneBroncosRule
13-11-06, 04:37 PM
yeah that ones always good... heard that one too... :D

Q: Two horses walked into a bar. What did they say?

A: Ouch!

:laugh:

A man with a pig walked into his bedroom to see his wife in bed, the man says "See this cow, its what i have to go to bed every night?", the wife then says "Darling, thats a pig not a cow", the man then replies "I was talking to the pig, not you". :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Casey's Angel27
13-11-06, 04:39 PM
lol funny...

Williams
13-11-06, 04:55 PM
These are all good stuff. Keep 'em coming.

There were two fish in a tank.
One says to the other, How do you drive this thing.

Nathalie
13-11-06, 04:56 PM
:laugh:

Or: A fish swims into a wall. It says 'dam.'

Casey's Angel27
13-11-06, 04:56 PM
lol thats a funny one...

jenny
13-11-06, 04:57 PM
:dizzy: :rotflmao:

jenny
13-11-06, 04:59 PM
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
21. One to hold the lightbulb, and 20 to drink until the room spins!

jenny
13-11-06, 05:01 PM
Little Patrick asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand?' Patrick said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.' He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand?' So little Patrick said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand?' So little Patrick said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his da came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand?' So again little Patrick said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.' Then his Da got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!' And little Patrick said, 'Look Da you scared the crap out of him!'

jenny
13-11-06, 05:02 PM
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jees" said Paddy "Will ye look at how short dat runway is".
"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy
"You're not kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put the engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps dow straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing that" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy. "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to the Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst the roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the ****pit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest runway i have EVER seen in me whole life".
Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look at how wide it is!"

Williams
13-11-06, 05:04 PM
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
21. One to hold the lightbulb, and 20 to drink until the room spins!
bahahahaha. Thats gold!!

jenny
13-11-06, 05:11 PM
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".
Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy".
Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

Casey's Angel27
13-11-06, 05:13 PM
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".
Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy".
Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

:lol!: love it

jenny
13-11-06, 05:14 PM
Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! smiled Paddy! :laugh:

jenny
13-11-06, 05:19 PM
Paddy and Mick were working on a building site, Paddy says 2 Mick "i cant be bothered working all day i wanna go home" so he clims 2 the top of the building site and hangs upside down on a steel gurder so then the boss comes out and says "what the hell do u think your doing" Paddy says "pretending 2 be a light bulb" so the boss says "go home your being stupid" so he climbs down and starts walking out so Mick says "im going home" but just as he was putting his coat on the boss says "and were do u think your going" Mick says home because im not working in the dark" :dizzy:

Casey's Angel27
13-11-06, 05:19 PM
haha classic

Robbie_Dee
13-11-06, 05:22 PM
Got one like that lorrie joke...An Irish man was driving his delivery truck down the highway only to find an overpass. It said the clearance was 18 feet, so he jumped out...measuered the height of his truck...it was just a bit over 18 feet...he took a long look around, then said to his delivery partner..."theres no cops around, it'll right to go through!"

:laugh:

jenny
13-11-06, 05:27 PM
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

jenny
13-11-06, 05:28 PM
Got one like that lorrie joke...An Irish man was driving his delivery truck down the highway only to find an overpass. It said the clearance was 18 feet, so he jumped out...measuered the height of his truck...it was just a bit over 18 feet...he took a long look around, then said to his delivery partner..."theres no cops around, it'll right to go through!"

:laugh:
:laugh:

jenny
13-11-06, 05:29 PM
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

jenny
13-11-06, 05:30 PM
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." :roll:

jenny
13-11-06, 05:35 PM
|Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping" :p

Robbie_Dee
13-11-06, 06:02 PM
lol, what do you have against Irish people!!! :lol!:

jks

jenny
13-11-06, 06:12 PM
lol, what do you have against Irish people!!! :lol!:

jks
:lol!: Nothing :lol!: they are just funny as!
I love them...We have a friend who is irish and sends some to us too! :naughty:

jenny
13-11-06, 07:44 PM
|Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thing Darn! There goes another one!" :roll:

jenny
13-11-06, 07:49 PM
|Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups? :dizzy:

BrisbaneBroncosRule
13-11-06, 08:12 PM
lol, Jenny your a joke-a-holic

jenny
13-11-06, 09:21 PM
lol, Jenny your a joke-a-holic
get heaps sent to me :dead:

jenny
13-11-06, 09:27 PM
|It was general question time on the "Top of the World" quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant: "Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a ...." The Hungarian answered quickly: "Station - S T A T I O N." Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question: "Old MacDonald had a ...." "Ranch," was the reply, "R A N C H." Finally the Irishman was asked the same question: "Old MacDonald had a...." "Farm," the Irishman proudly stated. "Correct," said the host. "Now spell the word farm." The Irishman thought for a moment. "E I E I O." :laugh:

jenny
13-11-06, 09:32 PM
|Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

BrisbaneBroncosRule
14-11-06, 09:35 AM
|Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

:rotflmao:

SuperCliffy#01
14-11-06, 11:00 AM
What's the difference between God and Phil Gould ?.

God doesn't think he is Phil Gould!.cya. :box:

BrisbaneBroncosRule
14-11-06, 03:20 PM
What's the difference between God and Phil Gould ?.

God doesn't think he is Phil Gould!.cya. :box:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

jenny
14-11-06, 06:25 PM
Next time you fly.....


A blind man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.



Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?



"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.



People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines. True story....Have a great day and remember... Things aren't always as they appear. Live Life to the Fullest

jenny
17-11-06, 03:49 PM
Subject: Fw: ALL IN A DAY'S WORK!





A father walked into a book store with his young son. The boy was holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy started choking and going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the quarter and shouted for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit was sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter. She then got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist?gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the quarter, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic!" the man remarked, "Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "Divorce attorney".

jenny
17-11-06, 04:05 PM
The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!



DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more wine.

:laugh:

BrisbaneBroncosRule
17-11-06, 04:26 PM
lol, good stuff Jen

Nathalie
21-11-06, 09:57 AM
'Aim towards the enemy'
- instruction printed on the US rocket launcher

'When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend'
- US marine corps

'Cluster bombing frolm B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground'
- US air force manual

'If the enemy is in range, so are you'
- US infantry journal

'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit'
- army magazine

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed'
- US air force manual

'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo'
- US infantry journal

'Five-second fuses only last three seconds'
- US infantry journal

'Any ship can be a minesweeper...once'
- anon

'Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you'
- US infantry journal

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him'
- US air force manual

Casey's Angel27
21-11-06, 09:58 AM
haha love it Nat... thanks for them :D:D

Nathalie
21-11-06, 09:59 AM
haha love it Nat... thanks for them :D:D

Hahah tis okay, anytime :D

jenny
21-11-06, 10:01 AM
Hahah tis okay, anytime :D
LOL...sfunny :roll:

Casey's Angel27
21-11-06, 10:02 AM
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!

Casey's Angel27
21-11-06, 10:05 AM
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

jenny
21-11-06, 10:34 AM
:rotflmao: ripper :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Casey's Angel27
21-11-06, 10:37 AM
:D:D:D :thumbsup:
great isnt it

jenny
21-11-06, 10:37 AM
its a CORKER.. :lol!:

Nathalie
21-11-06, 10:39 AM
Reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons..

'Can you imagine a world without lawyers?'

And everyone's holding hands, dancing and singing, under a huge rainbow and the sun with the smiley face :rotflmao:

Casey's Angel27
21-11-06, 10:42 AM
:clap: haha yeah i love that bit :D

jenny
21-11-06, 10:45 AM
Reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons..

'Can you imagine a world without lawyers?'

And everyone's holding hands, dancing and singing, under a huge rainbow and the sun with the smiley face :rotflmao:
:lol!: saw that...love it! :satan:

Nathalie
21-11-06, 10:47 AM
:lol!: saw that...love it! :satan:


Did you see the episode recently with Ralph playing 'duck duck goose'? I posted it recently...

All he did was go 'duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck'

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

jenny
21-11-06, 10:47 AM
Did you see the episode recently with Ralph playing 'duck duck goose'? I posted it recently...

All he did was go 'duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck'

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
:lol!: missed it! BUT!!! :lol!:

Casey's Angel27
21-11-06, 10:51 AM
haha hilarious...

have you guys seen the episode of family guy when its stewies birthday party and Peter and brian are talking whilst sitting on the porch

Peter: OMG Stewie's party is gonna suck. All i got was this big ass pinyata.
Camera shows the big ass pinyata... literally is a big ass
Brian: Umm i hope candy comes outta that

So funny :D:D

Nathalie
21-11-06, 10:53 AM
haha hilarious...

have you guys seen the episode of family guy when its stewies birthday party and Peter and brian are talking whilst sitting on the porch

Peter: OMG Stewie's party is gonna suck. All i got was this big ass pinyata.
Camera shows the big ass pinyata... literally is a big ass
Brian: Umm i hope candy comes outta that

So funny :D:D

:rotflmao:

Family Guy's great.. it has so many totally random things in it (e.g. 'The government's here! Run E.T., run!' 'Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh'), but still sooooooo funny :D

Casey's Angel27
21-11-06, 10:54 AM
yeah i agree... :D:D love that show

jenny
21-11-06, 04:20 PM
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. :dizzy:


"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou
written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked
him out cold. :dead:


When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"
"Your horse called."

jenny
21-11-06, 04:24 PM
I want to appeal a case :?)


Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client�s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

jenny
22-11-06, 06:32 PM
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she
pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a
beat says, "Well, that's great..........that's really great..........

Some asshole's got my pen.

jenny
23-11-06, 04:59 PM
Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder. :naughty:

Casey's Angel27
23-11-06, 05:00 PM
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she
pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a
beat says, "Well, that's great..........that's really great..........

Some asshole's got my pen.
haha love that one... :naughty:

jenny
23-11-06, 05:01 PM
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat. :p

Capital_Shark
23-11-06, 06:53 PM
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat. :p

Very appropriate, Jenny. Some chuckles in that bunch. Will be sure to share a few this weekend.

jenny
23-11-06, 06:55 PM
Good stuff Sharkey..gonna miss you here! :cry:

Grimmace
23-11-06, 06:55 PM
Q: How do oceans communicate with each other ?
A: They wave

Thank you you have been a great audience.

jenny
23-11-06, 06:56 PM
Q: How do oceans communicate with each other ?
A: They wave

Thank you you have been a great audience.
:rotflmao: :yell: MORE MORE MORE

Grimmace
23-11-06, 07:00 PM
OK heres a redneck joke ( no offence red necks):

You might be a redneck if...You decorate your Christmas tree with beer caps.

Robbie_Dee
23-11-06, 07:02 PM
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat. :pHAHAHA, some of them are great, but you gotta remember, they did beat is last time!!!!! :(

jenny
23-11-06, 07:03 PM
HAHAHA, some of them are great, but you gotta remember, they did beat is last time!!!!! :(
YEAH BUT ROBBIE :beer: Not this time :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:

jenny
23-11-06, 07:07 PM
Two Aussie blokes were down at the front fence of the cricket match when the beer cans started flying. One of them was so concerned about being hit he kept looking over his shoulder and couldn't really concentrate on the game.

"Don't worry," said his mate. "As they said in the war, if there's one with your name on it..."

"That's just it," said his friend. "My name's Foster!" :dizzy:

jenny
23-11-06, 07:13 PM
Last one was a duck
When India was playing a one day match in Delhi, an ardent Indian fan whose wife was having delivery the same day decided to watch the match and visit the hospital later.

The match began, two quick Indian wickets fell. The fan was disappointed and he decided to call his wife and dialed her. By mistake he called the stadium instead of the hospital.

He asked the man on the other end thinking him to be the doctor "So what's the result, Sir ?" The man replied "It's still in process, two are out, nine are left and the last one was a duck !! :ok:

jenny
23-11-06, 07:20 PM
Is Cricket Played in Heaven?

A very keen cricketer asked a divine, allegedly with good connections on high , whether there was any cricket in heaven .

The priest replied:"I cant tell you now , but if you come back on Sunday , I might have an answer . "

On sundaythe priest told the cricketer : "I've had good news and bad news . The good news is : Yes , there is cricket in heaven . And now for the bad news : You are in to bat on Friday !"

jenny
23-11-06, 07:22 PM
English Cricketer

A distraught woman rushed into a Police Station claiming she had been raped.

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details. She
told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he
was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he
had on a helmet and gloves.

"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer" observed the policeman.

"Oh yes he was" replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman".

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent " said the Sergeant.

"No" the woman said, "it was because he didn't stay in very long."

jenny
23-11-06, 07:23 PM
The Cricketer and Psychiatrist

The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.

Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?

Doctor: 'Get another job.'

Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow !' :spit:

BrisbaneBroncosRule
23-11-06, 09:13 PM
The Cricketer and Psychiatrist

The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.

Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?

Doctor: 'Get another job.'

Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow !' :spit:

the funniest joke ever lol (also it is really the truth) :satan:

Capital_Shark
23-11-06, 09:14 PM
the funniest joke ever lol (also it is really the truth) :satan:

LOL its Treshcothik at the quack!

patrick
23-11-06, 09:15 PM
I'll give you a very simple cricket joke.

England!!!

jenny
23-11-06, 09:17 PM
the funniest joke ever lol (also it is really the truth) :satan:
Where have you been Chris?? missed you here! You dont have to work in the Bar if thats the reason! :rotflmao:

jenny
23-11-06, 09:23 PM
The nervous young English batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, 'Well, I expect you've seen worse players.'

Silence....

He said 'I said I expect you've seen worse players.'

'I heard you the first time. I was just trying to think.'

BrisbaneBroncosRule
23-11-06, 09:25 PM
Where have you been Chris?? missed you here! You dont have to work in the Bar if thats the reason! :rotflmao:

lol, nah my computer stuffs up a lot :!:

I wont be around for the weekend either. :spit:

jenny
23-11-06, 09:28 PM
lol, nah my computer stuffs up a lot :!:

I wont be around for the weekend either. :spit:
oh no...i was worried..i thought something was wrong..like you were sick! :cry:

BrisbaneBroncosRule
23-11-06, 09:31 PM
oh no...i was worried..i thought something was wrong..like you were sick! :cry:

nah im good. :clap:

jenny
23-11-06, 09:33 PM
The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.

"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.

"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.

Cowboys_Rabbit_Fan
23-11-06, 09:48 PM
A blak guy finds a geenie lamp in his back yard, he gives it a rub and the geenie pops out and says i'll give you three wishes.
The Black guy thinks real hard and suddenly comes up with:
Wish #1: First of all I want to be filthy rich
Bang a treasure chest full of money appears in his back yard
Wish #2: Second of all, i'm not a dik head I wanna be White.
Bang he turns white.
Wish #3: Third of all I never wanna have to work again in all of my life.
Bang he turns black again.

BrisbaneBroncosRule
23-11-06, 09:53 PM
The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.

"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.

"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.

:win: :win: :win: great joke Jenn

jenny
24-11-06, 07:25 PM
The Blind Date

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.

"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." :dead:

jenny
26-11-06, 05:20 PM
An Australian Love Poem (Who said Australian men weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer! :naughty:

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

jenny
07-12-06, 07:12 PM
What the ENGLISH Version of a Hat trick




3 Runs in 3 balls :p

jenny
07-12-06, 07:18 PM
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat. :naughty:

patrick
07-12-06, 07:25 PM
LOL...great jokes Jenny!
Soooo funny!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

jenny
07-12-06, 07:26 PM
LOL...great jokes Jenny!
Soooo funny!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
he he he he :satan: :naughty: :clap:

jenny
07-12-06, 07:33 PM
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
:rotflmao: :beer:

patrick
07-12-06, 07:39 PM
lol Jenny! :laugh:


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
Best bragging quote for an Irish person:
"Thank God I'm not English!!!"

:win: :win: :win:

I know it probably isn't funny but I wanted to post it! :)

jenny
07-12-06, 07:40 PM
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: Your a funny buggar Pat!

Robbie_Dee
07-12-06, 07:45 PM
come on, the thread name says be nice now, those jokes arent very nice if you're a Pom!!! but Fantastic for AUSSIES!!!!!!!!! :rotflmao:

jenny
07-12-06, 07:48 PM
come on, the thread name says be nice now, those jokes arent very nice if you're a Pom!!! but Fantastic for AUSSIES!!!!!!!!! :rotflmao:
:lol!: cool aye Robbie?? :satan:

jenny
07-12-06, 07:59 PM
What is Cricket?

CRICKET: As explained to a foreigner...

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

:dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy: :dizzy:

jenny
07-12-06, 08:04 PM
English Cricket teams tour of 2006

The two club members were talking. "What were the statistical records of the team's tour?"
"Well, as far as we can remember-about 387 gallons of beer and 47 pubs."

patrick
07-12-06, 08:06 PM
English Cricket teams tour of 2006

The two club members were talking. "What were the statistical records of the team's tour?"
"Well, as far as we can remember-about 387 gallons of beer and 47 pubs."
:lol!: :lol!: :lol!:
Plus zero runs! :p

Good one Jenny :laugh:

jenny
07-12-06, 08:09 PM
The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG): Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?
LG - No, my mummy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the English Cricket team, they never beat anybody!!! :?)

patrick
07-12-06, 08:10 PM
The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG): Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?
LG - No, my mummy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the English Cricket team, they never beat anybody!!! :?)
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
:lol!: :lol!: :lol!: :lol!: :lol!:
H I L A R I O U S ! ! ! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

jenny
07-12-06, 08:12 PM
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
:lol!: :lol!: :lol!: :lol!: :lol!:
H I L A R I O U S ! ! ! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Your making me LMAO Pat! :laugh:

jenny
07-12-06, 08:42 PM
'Can I have your autograph, mister?' asked the small boyto the English Cricketer, outside the pavilion. The famous cricketer tried to brush him off 'I'm not a cricketer,' he said. 'I know that,' said the boy, 'but I'd like it just the same ! ***

jenny
07-12-06, 08:51 PM
The boys were playing cricket in the garden and were using a shiny new ball.
'Where did you get the ball?' asked father.
'We found it.'
'Are you sure it was lost?'
'Of course it was lost. We saw them looking for it.'

patrick
07-12-06, 09:04 PM
The boys were playing cricket in the garden and were using a shiny new ball.
'Where did you get the ball?' asked father.
'We found it.'
'Are you sure it was lost?'
'Of course it was lost. We saw them looking for it.'
:clap: :clap: :clap:
Good one Jenny!

Maybe the boys found it just after Harmison's first delivery in this Ashes series! :p

jenny
07-12-06, 09:04 PM
:clap: :clap: :clap:
Good one Jenny!

Maybe the boys found it just after Harmison's first delivery in this Ashes series! :p
:') Laughing!

jenny
07-12-06, 09:12 PM
English Cricketer goes to the Doctors
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my Butt"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

patrick
07-12-06, 09:20 PM
English Cricketer goes to the Doctors
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my Butt"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

Don't start over-appealing you Poms!!! Or you'll get fined! :laugh:

HOWZAT for a joke Jenny! :laugh:

jenny
07-12-06, 09:21 PM
Don't start over-appealing you Poms!!! Or you'll get fined! :laugh:

HOWZAT for a joke Jenny! :laugh:
:satan: lol!

jenny
07-12-06, 11:23 PM
English Ritual

It hadn't rained for months and the Indians were worried about the drought. 'Let us do The English Rain Ritual,' said one Indian.

'What is that?'

'When I was in England I saw two men in white coats hammer six sticks into the ground, then two men carrying clubs came out and stood in front of the sticks and then eleven more men came out blowing on their hands. Then one of the white coats shouted "Play", and that's when the rain came pouring down!'

jenny
07-12-06, 11:28 PM
The English bowlers were getting a terrible roasting from the Australian opening batsman.
'Don't worry,' said the ****y young bowler, 'I know his weakness.'
He bowled three balls and every one was smashed over the boundary.
'I see what you mean,' said the captain. 'He's got a weakness for sixes!'

jenny
09-12-06, 07:32 PM
English Cricketer

A distraught woman rushed into a Police Station claiming she had been raped.

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details. She
told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he
was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he
had on a helmet and gloves.

"That sounds as if the man was a Cricketer" observed the policeman.

"Oh yes he was" replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman".

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent " said the Sergeant.

"No" the woman said, "it was because he didn't stay in very long." :naughty:

jenny
09-12-06, 07:40 PM
Q: What do you call an English Cricketer with half a brain?
A: Gifted
:p

patrick
09-12-06, 08:04 PM
Just thought of this one!

Q: What do you call a gifted English cricketer?
A: Andrew Symonds

:D :D :D

Coaster
09-12-06, 08:15 PM
Just thought of this one!

Q: What do you call a gifted English cricketer?
A: Andrew Symonds

:D :D :D

Ill pay that :lol!:

jenny
09-12-06, 08:17 PM
Just thought of this one!

Q: What do you call a gifted English cricketer?
A: Andrew Symonds

:D :D :D
:laugh:

patrick
09-12-06, 08:18 PM
Roy you legend! AUSSIE! :)

Ryan
15-12-06, 10:36 PM
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

J-Storm
15-12-06, 11:47 PM
I haven't heard that joke before that I am aware of so I got a good chuckle outta that one. Hope others have some just as good :rotflmao:

Ryan
16-12-06, 10:39 AM
Didn't realise there was already thread for this (didn't use search function either!). Thanks to which Mod moved my post......

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself."

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

jenny
19-12-06, 09:56 AM
Merry Christmas Everyone
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November
to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after
they
give
birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen,
had to be a
girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a
fat-ass man in
a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. :beer:
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY.. XOXOXOXOXO :hi:

Robbie_Dee
19-12-06, 10:48 PM
whats the key to a good Christmas Dinner?

A turKEY!! lol - so lame...

and...When's the best time to buy a chicken?

When its going cheap!!!!! LOL! The ad makes it a lot funnier...

Capital_Shark
19-12-06, 11:21 PM
whats the key to a good Christmas Dinner?

A turKEY!! lol - so lame...

and...When's the best time to buy a chicken?

When its going cheap!!!!! LOL! The ad makes it a lot funnier...

Dude give yourself an upper cut, using a joke off a Coles commercial, you cheap bastard! lol

BrisbaneBroncosRule
20-12-06, 03:18 PM
Merry Christmas Everyone
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November
to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after
they
give
birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen,
had to be a
girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a
fat-ass man in
a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. :beer:
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY.. XOXOXOXOXO :hi:

:lol!: :lol!: :lol!:

BrisbaneBroncosRule
24-12-06, 03:02 PM
How do you fit an Elephant in a SafeWay bag?
You take the "S" out of Safe and the "F" out of Way!
Then the other person will answer back But theres no F in Way!

(read the last bit fast, and you will see the joke :lol!:)

jenny
28-12-06, 08:52 PM
Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! smiled Paddy!

Robbie_Dee
28-12-06, 09:18 PM
How do you fit an Elephant in a SafeWay bag?
You take the "S" out of Safe and the "F" out of Way!
Then the other person will answer back But theres no F in Way!

(read the last bit fast, and you will see the joke :lol!:)HAHAHA OMG That's awesome! At first I was Like WTF are you on about :rotflmao: , then finally got it :laugh:

Nice one:D:D:D

BrisbaneBroncosRule
28-12-06, 09:19 PM
HAHAHA OMG That's awesome! At first I was Like WTF are you on about :rotflmao: , then finally got it :laugh:

Nice one:D:D:D

yeah its a good one isnt it? Try it out on someone. ;)

Robbie_Dee
28-12-06, 09:21 PM
yeah its a good one isnt it? Try it out on someone. ;)yea i did, Family thought it was hilarious, once i gave em a hint;) lol

BrisbaneBroncosRule
28-12-06, 09:22 PM
yea i did, Family thought it was hilarious, once i gave em a hint;) lol

alot of ppl dont get it at first, there like but what do you mean, that dont make sense :rotflmao:

dee13
28-12-06, 09:25 PM
Q. What do you call a lesbian with a wooden box on her head

A. A liquer cabinet

BrisbaneBroncosRule
28-12-06, 09:26 PM
Q. What do you call a lesbian with a wooden box on her head

A. A liquer cabinet

:laugh: great stuff dee mate ;)

jenny
28-12-06, 09:47 PM
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi.....Damn! There goes another one!" :roll:

dee13
28-12-06, 09:53 PM
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

jenny
28-12-06, 09:54 PM
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
:laugh: :laugh:

jenny
28-12-06, 09:54 PM
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups? :(

jenny
28-12-06, 09:59 PM
On his first day, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the
phone:
"Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're
talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back:
"And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking to, you F***ING idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Thank F**K for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Capital_Shark
28-12-06, 10:02 PM
On his first day, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the
phone:
"Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're
talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back:
"And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking to, you F***ING idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Thank F**K for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

ROFL! Thats excellent! If my work phones didn't have caller ID I'd do it to the boss all day!

jenny
28-12-06, 10:04 PM
ROFL! Thats excellent! If my work phones didn't have caller ID I'd do it to the boss all day!
its funny ehh? :naughty:

Social Loafer
28-12-06, 10:04 PM
ROFL! Thats excellent! If my work phones didn't have caller ID I'd do it to the boss all day!

That is why you use other peoples phones :)

dee13
28-12-06, 10:05 PM
Frank walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Frank and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Frank said, "You know, I bet he'll jump" The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Frank placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Frank, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Frank replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

jenny
28-12-06, 10:05 PM
That is why you use other peoples phones :)
LOL :laugh:

Capital_Shark
28-12-06, 10:08 PM
That is why you use other peoples phones :)

Bloody hell your a smart bloke. Why didn't I think of that? Use the bosses' phone to called the bosses' boss!

Capital_Shark
28-12-06, 10:09 PM
Frank walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Frank and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Frank said, "You know, I bet he'll jump" The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Frank placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Frank, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Frank replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

HAHAHA nothing like a blonde joke!

jenny
28-12-06, 10:11 PM
I FAILED :spit:
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)






First Question:




You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person What position are you in?















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)




















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?


















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!




Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask..
It's really very simple.... Like you!

Social Loafer
28-12-06, 10:13 PM
I failed miserably :laugh:

jenny
28-12-06, 10:14 PM
I failed miserably :laugh:
me too. how many did you get Schifty?
I got none

Capital_Shark
28-12-06, 10:18 PM
Started off slow but I got the last 3 pretty easy.

jenny
28-12-06, 10:19 PM
Started off slow but I got the last 3 pretty easy.
pfftt lair :(

jenny
28-12-06, 10:22 PM
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as

replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
:(

Capital_Shark
28-12-06, 10:28 PM
pfftt lair :(

pfft, whatever dum dum lol

Robbie_Dee
28-12-06, 10:28 PM
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?


WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am still adding up 5000, my calculator gets 4100!!!

OMG that made me look so stupid!!!!

lol!:laugh:

jenny
28-12-06, 10:29 PM
pfft, whatever dum dum lol
Aye..thats enough of that... I'm off to the Mood thread...i'm depressed :spit:

jenny
28-12-06, 10:30 PM
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am still adding up 5000, my calculator gets 4100!!!

OMG that made me look so stupid!!!!

lol!:laugh:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: I did the same Robbie :beer:

jenny
28-12-06, 10:32 PM
Political Correctness
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. :(

dee13
28-12-06, 10:36 PM
pfftt lair :(
I got nothin'.... Its done my head in. I gotta rest

jenny
28-12-06, 10:37 PM
I got nothin'.... Its done my head in. I gotta rest
:satan: :satan: you've got 5 and a half weeks

dee13
28-12-06, 10:37 PM
Aye..thats enough of that... I'm off to the Mood thread...i'm depressed :spit:
Ur off the mood thread cos you found out some of us have 5 & a half weeks holiday "WITH PAY" :D :D

jenny
28-12-06, 10:39 PM
Ur off the mood thread cos you found out some of us have 5 & a half weeks holiday "WITH PAY" :D :D
:') i know...my bad?

dee13
28-12-06, 10:42 PM
Sorry Jenny, cover ur eyes...

Q. What is the most common cause of death amongst lesbians?

A. Furballs

:peace: to any lesbians out there. I love you guys... I mean girls

jenny
28-12-06, 10:44 PM
Sorry Jenny, cover ur eyes...

Q. What is the most common cause of death amongst lesbians?

A. Furballs

:peace: to any lesbians out there. I love you guys... I mean girls
:laugh:
Thanks for the warning dee...dont wanna see anything rude now :ok: :roll:

dee13
28-12-06, 10:48 PM
:laugh:
Thanks for the warning dee...dont wanna see anything rude now :ok: :roll:
Thats soft compared to what you would here in the Titanium bar

jenny
28-12-06, 10:49 PM
Thats soft compared to what you would here in the Titanium bar
:eek: :!: Really.... :p cool

jenny
28-12-06, 10:53 PM
Two guys in a bar......... One says
"Did your hear the news - Our mate is dead!"
"My God, what happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"Jaysus, what a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"Sweet Jesus, what a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Christ, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the feck did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fecking house."

dee13
28-12-06, 10:55 PM
:eek: :!: Really.... :p cool
Now ur takin the mickey out of me. Im new & am still working out depth. Give me a while. :spit:

jenny
28-12-06, 10:55 PM
Now ur takin the mickey out of me. Im new & am still working out depth. Give me a while. :spit:
Your doing great ;)

jenny
28-12-06, 10:56 PM
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see.
"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be.
It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was shorter than that."

jenny
28-12-06, 10:59 PM
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

jenny
28-12-06, 11:01 PM
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." :beer:

dee13
28-12-06, 11:02 PM
Its been fun, but goodnight. Kids and no sleep don't mix very well. ;)

jenny
28-12-06, 11:03 PM
Its been fun, but goodnight. Kids and no sleep don't mix very well. ;)
Nite dee..sweet dreams...sleep in ;)

dee13
28-12-06, 11:05 PM
Nite dee..sweet dreams...sleep in ;)
Yeah right. 6 and 7 year old wake at dawn. My girl and I hand them over to the other halves for a week or so tomorrow. I'll sleep in the next day. bye bye

jenny
28-12-06, 11:11 PM
Yeah right. 6 and 7 year old wake at dawn. My girl and I hand them over to the other halves for a week or so tomorrow. I'll sleep in the next day. bye bye
Dawn :( i know the feeling...cya dee ;)

jenny
28-12-06, 11:14 PM
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :eek:

jenny
28-12-06, 11:15 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!" :spit:

Robbie_Dee
29-12-06, 11:47 AM
Bob walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bar tender for a beer. The bar Tender goes and gets him one. The bar tender then walks out the back into the store room. The fella looks around every where and doesn't see anybody in the bar...He thought this was a bit strange, but drank away. He then heard a little high pitched voice, yell, 'Nice tie'. He looks around, and cant see anybody. He thought this was a bit strange, but again, keeps drinking his beer. A minute later, he heard the same little high pitched voice yell, 'Nice shirt'. He immediately looks around, only to find an empty bar...He can't figure out what this voice was. The bar Tender came back from out the back, so Bob then asks him, 'what's this voice I keep hearing? They tell me i have a nice tie and a nice shirt'...

The bar tender then replies, 'Oh, that's the Peanuts, they're complimentary!'

lol :rotflmao:

Ryan
29-12-06, 05:09 PM
Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:
If you are Obsessive Compulsive; please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, please press 3,4 and 5
If you are Paranoid Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-Depressive it doesn't matter which number you press. NO ONE WILL ANSWER.

jenny
29-12-06, 08:34 PM
:beer: FOR SHARKEY..SCHIFTY & dEE :laugh:
Signs that you are too drunk would be...

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
* Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
* At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Ryan
29-12-06, 08:37 PM
Beer Makes Blokes Girly

A new scientific analysis of beer, sent to me by a relative in San Francisco, reveals the presence of female hormones.
All men ought to take a concerned look at their beer consumption, for the theory is that beer contains female hormones ? hops contain photoestrogen ? and drinking it makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 4.6lts of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn?t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down to urinate and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
And all this was in the US where, as all Aussies know, beer is a whole lot weaker than ours.

dee13
29-12-06, 08:38 PM
:beer: FOR SHARKEY..SCHIFTY & dEE :laugh:
Signs that you are too drunk would be...

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
* Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
* At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
Ohhhh.... Very good. make the new guy sound like a pisspot. I think I'll open a new thread. Boycott the Titanium bar, drinks are cheaper at home. :rotflmao:

jenny
29-12-06, 08:39 PM
Ohhhh.... Very good. make the new guy sound like a pisspot. I think I'll open a new thread. Boycott the Titanium bar, drinks are cheaper at home. :rotflmao:
:rotflmao:

jenny
29-12-06, 08:42 PM
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. :ok:
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

dee13
29-12-06, 08:45 PM
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

jenny
29-12-06, 08:45 PM
THOSE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER EVER HEAR A BLOKE SAY

1.

"No, I don't want another pint. Must take it easy - I really have to work tomorrow."
2.

"Sometimes I just want to be held."
3.

"That chick on 'Murder She Wrote' gives me a right stiffy."
4.

"We haven't been to the shopping centre for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your handbag."
5.

"To hell with "Match of the Day", let's watch that lovely Meryl Streep film instead."
6.

"I love jogging Dear, but I can't keep up with you, you go on ahead."
7.

"My backside's too big, don't lie, it's true. I know my backside's too big."
8.

"I wonder if my gorgeous neighbour knows that her curtains are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe we should pop round and tell her."
9.

"This film has way too much nudity."
10.

"I think Pat Kenny is one cool and sexy dude."
11.

"Damn these onions, pass me a tissue."

jenny
29-12-06, 08:46 PM
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
My hair colour?????? light Brown with Blonde streaks :dead:

dee13
29-12-06, 08:49 PM
My hair colour?????? light Brown with Blonde streaks :dead:
Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage

jenny
29-12-06, 08:51 PM
Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage
Dont you mean a good looking Brunette with a man? :naughty: LOL

dee13
29-12-06, 08:51 PM
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

jenny
29-12-06, 08:52 PM
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "
:D very funny :')