View Full Version : Post your funniest jokes...
I laughed so hard me leg braces fell off. Good one Jenny.
Pics please Forrest :?)
So Terrible it's funny :laugh:
I know...thats what i thought.. :p
Pics please Forrest :?)
I would send you some beautiful pics Jenny but since my leg braces fell off in Vi Et Nam or somewhere, I have to use my hands to walk. It is very hard to type and send pictures at the same time just using your nose you know.
Luv Forrest. :peace:
I would send you some beautiful pics Jenny but since my leg braces fell off in Vi Et Nam or somewhere, I have to use my hands to walk. It is very hard to type and send pictures at the same time just using your nose you know.
Luv Forrest. :peace:
:')
Teaching Manners
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."
The woman next to him doesn't help..I'm not sure if its his mum.. poor lil buggar :cry:
http://www.itshotlinks.com/movies9/fatboy.html
Capital_Shark
07-03-07, 02:42 PM
The woman next to him doesn't help..I'm not sure if its his mum.. poor lil buggar :cry:
http://www.itshotlinks.com/movies9/fatboy.html
"poor lil buggar"? What was little about him?
That video was hilarious though, that woman next to him was classic. Heartless b!tch.
"poor lil buggar"? What was little about him?
That video was hilarious though, that woman next to him was classic. Heartless b!tch.
:p Just kept screaming "this hurts..this hurts..this hurts" :dead:
Capital_Shark
07-03-07, 03:05 PM
:p Just kept screaming "this hurts..this hurts..this hurts" :dead:
"I'M FALLING! I'M FALLING! I'M FALLING"
...
"I'M STUCK! I'M STUCK! I'M STUCK!"
...
"THIS HURTS! THIS HURST! THIS HURTS!"
and that woman just ups the laughter with every shreek for help hahaha
"I'M FALLING! I'M FALLING! I'M FALLING"
...
"I'M STUCK! I'M STUCK! I'M STUCK!"
...
"THIS HURTS! THIS HURST! THIS HURTS!"
and that woman just ups the laughter with every shreek for help hahaha
:rotflmao: Poor kid was slipping through the straps..and she goes :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :p
That was damn funny. The straps are nearly choking the poor kid and she's cracking up laughing. He'll be scared mentally for life poor kid. Might have to try something like that with my kids next time I go to Dreamworld. LOL
Sonny-Skill
08-03-07, 10:13 AM
Teaching Manners
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."
LOLLLLLLLL GOOD ONE Jen :D
Mine is SNICKLE FEAHERDUNKIN :dead:
So:-
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
A = snickle
B = doombah
C = goober
D = cheesey
E = crusty
F = greasy
G = dumbo
H = farcus
I = Dorky
J = doofus
K = funky
L = boobie
M = sleezy
N = Sloopy
O = fluffy
P = stinky
Q = slimy
R = dorfus
S = snooty
T = tootsie
U = dipsy
V = sneezy
W = liver
X = skippy
Y = dinky
Z = zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
A = dippin
B = feather
C = batty
D = burger
E = chicken
F = barffy
G = lizard
H = waffle
I = farkle
J = monkey
K = flippin
L = fricken
M = bubble
N = rhino
O = potty
P = hamster
Q = buckle
R = gizzard
S = lickin
T = snickle
U = chuckle
V = pickle
W = Hubble
X = dingle
Y = gorilla
Z = girdle
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
A = butt
B = boob
C = face
D = nose
E = hump
F = breath
G = pants
H = shorts
I = lips
J = honker
K = head
L = tush
M = chunks
N = dunkin
O = brains
P = biscuits
Q = toes
R = doodle
S = fanny
T = sniffer
U = sprinkles
V = frack
W = squirt
X = humperdinck
Y = hiney
Z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
Haha. I am now Mr. Snotty Dippenchunks. :lol!:
Haha. I am now Mr. Snotty Dippenchunks. :lol!:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :hi:
Haha. I am now Mr. Snotty Dippenchunks. :lol!:
I am not sure Jenny, but I am starting to think I like Des better. Or Forrest. :lol!: Dippenchunks conjures up very strange images. LOL
Capital_Shark
08-03-07, 07:57 PM
The names Chuckledoodle, Snickle Chuckledoodle.
The names Chuckledoodle, Snickle Chuckledoodle.
Thats gotta be better than snotty dippenchunks. Sort of! :lol!:
Capital_Shark
08-03-07, 08:55 PM
Thats gotta be better than snotty dippenchunks. Sort of! :lol!:
Either way I'd make myself an orphan if my name was one of these.
Just realised I'd be named after my mother too.
Either way I'd make myself an orphan if my name was one of these.
Just realised I'd be named after my mother too.
BUGGER. Sorry to hear that mate. :lol!:
Capital_Shark
08-03-07, 09:09 PM
A Dustman Knocks On A Japanese Man?s Door,
The Jap Man Opens The Door A Says?harro,wot U Want??
Dustman Asks?where?s Ur Bin??
!i Bin On The Loo?says Jap Man
?no Mate,where?s Ya Dustbin??
?i Dustbin On The Loo?says Jap Man
?no No Mate Where?s Ur Wheelie Bin??
?hokay,i Wheelie Bin Havin A Wank!!?
:rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao:
Thats got me in stitches!
heres one for ya Capitol Shark!
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist?s office. The doctor asks, ?What can I do for you??
The man says, ?Will you watch us have sexual intercourse??
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, ?There?s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.? He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, ?I?m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out??
The old man says, ?We?re not trying to find out anything. She?s married and we can?t go to her house. I?m married and we can?t go to my house.
?The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.? :lol!: :lol!:
A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ?How about that? I also just ordered a glass of champagne!?
?What a coincidence,? the farmer says, ?This is a special day for me, I?m celebrating.?
?This is a special day for me too, I?m also celebrating!? says the woman.
?What a coincidence? says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, ?What are you celebrating??
?My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my doctor told me that I?m pregnant!?
?What a coincidence,? says the man.
?I?m a chicken farmer ? for years all my hens were infertile, but today they?re finally laying fertilized eggs.?
?That?s great!? says the woman, ?How did your chickens become fertile??
?I used a different C**K,? he replied.
The woman smiled and said, ?What a coincidence?
Sonny-Skill
09-03-07, 06:35 PM
Mine is SNICKLE FEAHERDUNKIN :dead:
So:-
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
A = snickle
B = doombah
C = goober
D = cheesey
E = crusty
F = greasy
G = dumbo
H = farcus
I = Dorky
J = doofus
K = funky
L = boobie
M = sleezy
N = Sloopy
O = fluffy
P = stinky
Q = slimy
R = dorfus
S = snooty
T = tootsie
U = dipsy
V = sneezy
W = liver
X = skippy
Y = dinky
Z = zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
A = dippin
B = feather
C = batty
D = burger
E = chicken
F = barffy
G = lizard
H = waffle
I = farkle
J = monkey
K = flippin
L = fricken
M = bubble
N = rhino
O = potty
P = hamster
Q = buckle
R = gizzard
S = lickin
T = snickle
U = chuckle
V = pickle
W = Hubble
X = dingle
Y = gorilla
Z = girdle
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
A = butt
B = boob
C = face
D = nose
E = hump
F = breath
G = pants
H = shorts
I = lips
J = honker
K = head
L = tush
M = chunks
N = dunkin
O = brains
P = biscuits
Q = toes
R = doodle
S = fanny
T = sniffer
U = sprinkles
V = frack
W = squirt
X = humperdinck
Y = hiney
Z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
Ahoihoi
It's Mr Tootsie Feather-Boob
Social Loafer
10-03-07, 09:40 PM
Son asks his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
Gonzalez
11-03-07, 12:57 AM
Tootsie Dippindoodle
Future Star
11-03-07, 10:15 AM
Funky Battybrain
:lol!:
Hoppy2007Dragons
12-03-07, 11:32 AM
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses
up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new
set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done
with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
THE WINNER! OF THE DUMBEST CRIMS
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Sonny-Skill
13-03-07, 02:08 PM
LMAO Jenny that's a classic my friend :D
Nathalie
13-03-07, 02:31 PM
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Jenny! Jenny! Jenny! Bloody funny.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
A female school teacher in Auckland was addressing her class and said, Now Chulldren, the neshnal sport of new zilland uz rugbay end I heppen toe be en All Blecks fairn. Hairnds up all those who are All Blecks fairns. They all showed their hands except little Darby.She said Darbeee, yoe dudn?t put your hairnd up. Darby said nup, I?m a Wallabies fan. She said, yoe luvv unn New Zilland end you?re a Wallabeees fairn, how come? Darby replied, Well, me farvers a wallabies fan, me muvva?s a wallabies fan, so I?m a Wallabies fan. She got angry and said, well, if your perrents were both morons, what would yoe be? Darby replied, I?d be a All Blacks fan, thats what I?d be.
Social Loafer
21-03-07, 08:10 PM
A female school teacher in Auckland was addressing her class and said, Now Chulldren, the neshnal sport of new zilland uz rugbay end I heppen toe be en All Blecks fairn. Hairnds up all those who are All Blecks fairns. They all showed their hands except little Darby.She said Darbeee, yoe dudn?t put your hairnd up. Darby said nup, I?m a Wallabies fan. She said, yoe luvv unn New Zilland end you?re a Wallabeees fairn, how come? Darby replied, Well, me farvers a wallabies fan, me muvva?s a wallabies fan, so I?m a Wallabies fan. She got angry and said, well, if your perrents were both morons, what would yoe be? Darby replied, I?d be a All Blacks fan, thats what I?d be.
the accent makes it so much better :D
the accent makes it so much better :D
Cheers mate. It took a long bloody time to type. LOL
Social Loafer
23-03-07, 11:05 PM
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"
Laid to Rest .........As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the he**** was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.
As I prached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."
~Wild Child~
30-03-07, 07:11 AM
Some common sense quotes from The Leader Of The Free World...George Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
An aussie bloke and a strict muslim were seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to London.
After take off a hostess came around to take drink orders.
The aussie ordered a rum and coke, and after placing the drink on his tray table, the hostess asked the muslim if he would like a drink.
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen virgins than let that poison liquor touch my lips", replied the muslim gentleman.
The aussie passed his rum back to the hostess and said, "So would I. I didn't realise we had a choice."
Some common sense quotes from The Leader Of The Free World...George Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
hahaha classic
Another quote from Bush.
"I often spend time thinking about.........why I do things"
Classic dumbass Bush:D
An aussie bloke and a strict muslim were seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to London.
After take off a hostess came around to take drink orders.
The aussie ordered a rum and coke, and after placing the drink on his tray table, the hostess asked the muslim if he would like a drink.
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen virgins than let that poison liquor touch my lips", replied the muslim gentleman.
The aussie passed his rum back to the hostess and said, "So would I. I didn't realise we had a choice."
I love that one.........
Heard a slightly differnt version before. :D
I love that one.........
Heard a slightly differnt version before. :D
Hahaha. Bloody beautiful. Gotta love us aussies.
Rabbitohs-07
01-04-07, 07:14 PM
One of the best jokes ever to say to someone:
"Ask if im a tree"
Mate: "Are you a tree"
You: "No"
Thats the whole joke lmao! cracks me up.
One of the best jokes ever to say to someone:
"Ask if im a tree"
Mate: "Are you a tree"
You: "No"
Thats the whole joke lmao! cracks me up.
It's so sad it's nearly funny. LOL
Rabbitohs-07
01-04-07, 10:03 PM
How funny is it though. Imagine someone just said it to yu from nowhere as if you wouldnt crack up!
Social Loafer
01-04-07, 10:32 PM
How funny is it though. Imagine someone just said it to yu from nowhere as if you wouldnt crack up!
Well maybe if you were heavily intoxicated. :)
Capital_Shark
01-04-07, 10:40 PM
I'd feel compelled to headbutt the person who tried that joke on me. Then I'd laugh.
I'd feel compelled to headbutt the person who tried that joke on me. Then I'd laugh.
Yeah, I wouldn't try that joke at a nightclub or party.........
~Wild Child~
05-04-07, 08:12 PM
Something for all the guys out there http://www.totalsports.com.au/forums/images/smilies/tongue.gif
Words women use
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed; this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
~Wild Child~
05-04-07, 08:14 PM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Coaster
05-04-07, 08:30 PM
Did you hear there is a new Strip club opening in CANTERBURY BANKSTOWN?
It features full facial nudity!
Something for all the guys out there http://www.totalsports.com.au/forums/images/smilies/tongue.gif
Words women use
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed; this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
OMG. Is your name ******. Are you sure your not my missus?
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
------------
Computers are like air-conditioners
They work find until you start openning windows.
Computers are like air-conditioners
They work find until you start openning windows.
Confusus or company statement? LOL
Eating out
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That
will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will
be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that
if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my
hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with
everything I say."
Social Loafer
23-04-07, 11:56 PM
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
LMAO......:p
Sonny-Skill
24-04-07, 08:05 AM
ROFLMAO...
Jenny I thought you would've done that one lol...
good stuff guys ;)
Grimmace
24-04-07, 09:05 AM
Q: How do two oceans communicate with each other
A They wave.
Q: why cant ken and barbie have kids ?
A: because they come seprately
Social Loafer
24-04-07, 11:59 AM
Q: why cant ken and barbie have kids ?
A: because they come seprately
LMAO,
A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring
and sensitive her husband is.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in
my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out
today."
TALKING DOG
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****. "
:(
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie:)
Darren Lockyer
24-04-07, 09:23 PM
Okay
i don't know if you've had this one yet, because i haven't been bothered to search 58 pages.
There was an Australian an Asian and a Mexican in a boat.
The pilot said everyone had to drop something overboard because they were sinking.
The mexican said we have heaps of Tacos in mexico so we can throw them over.
The Asian man said they had heaps of sushi in asia so they could throw that over.
The Australian man looked at the Asian and said we have heaps of these at home so we can throw him overboard.
LMAO i know but i like it because someone told are chinese teacher.
Coaster
24-04-07, 09:29 PM
::lol::
> A typical Aussie Mining Worker 40 something, having split from his
latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a
South Pacific cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that
is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to
sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows
excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.......
"Don't tell me you've got Fox Sports " :)
Flanker/5-8
24-04-07, 10:01 PM
Lol, jenny. That one is gold.
Here's my contribution to this thread. They're about the same length.
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had
great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a
big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family,
his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in
last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a
cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed
a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He
figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry
creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's
close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of
these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he
can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the
wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep
going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it
hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close
enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker
than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he
can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
"Nate, do accidents count?"
Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.
A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.
"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.
"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"
"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."
"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.
"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."
"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"
"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."
"And then he just died?" asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.
After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."
Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and
then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?
"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.
"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"
Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go
see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I
have been.
"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."
Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"
Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"
Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.
"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.
"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.
"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.
"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."
Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,"
he ran over the snake.
THE END
ROFL FLANKER ....I hope you copied & pasted...lol....well done!;)
Coaster
24-04-07, 10:47 PM
Lol, jenny. That one is gold.
Here's my contribution to this thread. They're about the same length.
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had
great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a
big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again.
THE END
I want to kill you
:bloody good story btw:
I can't believe that I sat there and read that.
Great story with a crap punch line but that is the whole joke I guess.
Well Done.
I can't believe that I sat there and read that.
Great story with a crap punch line but that is the whole joke I guess.
Well Done.
LOL SMITHY :rolleyes:
Darren Lockyer
25-04-07, 12:46 PM
Great Joke
How much does Jesus love you?
This much:
http://eeweems.com/goya/crucifixion_350.jpg
Coaster
29-04-07, 10:37 PM
Jesus walked into a motel with 3 nails.
He put them on the desk and asked
"Could you put me up for the night?"
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid . . " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck,
it's only twenty quid .
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of
minutes
when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in
her face.":p
Whats the Difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus.:)
Steelers
30-04-07, 10:05 PM
Whats the Difference between Jesus and a Picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus.:)
Ahh Nick, you always have been the one to stir up controversy :p But, you are an atheist, so I guess it's just the way you have to be. Where are your RBR jokes that you seem to love busting out every day at school???
scooter
06-05-07, 04:52 PM
DUTIES OF WIVES.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wife?s duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told
his Wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said
that it took a Couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the Dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged
that he had given his Wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see
any results, but the next day it Was better. By the third day, his house
was clean, the dishes were done, and He had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told
her That her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and Ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot
meals on the Table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the Second day he didn't
see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling Had gone down
and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix Himself a bite
to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
God Bless Australian Women
Did you realise?
Pakistan is the only cricket team to go to the World Cup and come home with the ASHES. LOL
Two blondes walked into a building. You?d think one of them would have seen it.LOL
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See .. He mated 50 times last year . once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely be okay .
scooter
18-05-07, 09:33 AM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
scooter
18-05-07, 09:36 AM
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."
Moral of the Story :
Women are clever!!!
Don't mess with them!!
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
Good one Scooter. Lmfao.
Flanker/5-8
26-05-07, 04:57 PM
Q. What's better than roses on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
~~
A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He tells the bartender;
"I bet you a pitcher of beer that my dog can talk."
The bartender accepts the bet.
The man looks at the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?"
The dog says "Wruff!"
"What is on top of a house?"
The dog replies, "Wroof!"
"Who was the greatest baseball player in history? "
The dog replies, "Wruth!"
The bartendeer has had enough and he kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar. As the dog and the man are walking down the street, the dog turns to hi and says, "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio."
~~
Q. What did the Taoist monk say to the hotdog seller?
A. One, with everything.
~~
I'm sorry =p
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave.......
Dave........
Dave.......
.........you're a vet:eyebrow:
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS...
This one is for everyone who ...
a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"pretending to
eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was
standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her
face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?" :(
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of
marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the
15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list
of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can
drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
A Girls First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
:p
whewwwwwwww:duh: I was gonna say " delete it Ryan" lol!!!!:rolf:
Sonny-Skill
08-06-07, 09:56 AM
whewwwwwwww:duh: I was gonna say " delete it Ryan" lol!!!!:rolf:
I agree with Jenny... it was too funny in the end though :rolf:
It?s all about perception apparently????
Two boys in Brisbane playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," ! he jots in his notebook.
"I'm not a Bronco fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter starts again: "Maroons supporter risks life in heroic rescue"
"I'm not a Maroons fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.
"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck ****roach Vandalises Fence and Kills Beloved Family Pet." :nope:
It?s all about perception apparently????
Two boys in Brisbane playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again. "Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," ! he jots in his notebook.
"I'm not a Bronco fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter starts again: "Maroons supporter risks life in heroic rescue"
"I'm not a Maroons fan either," the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.
"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck ****roach Vandalises Fence and Kills Beloved Family Pet." :nope:
:laugh: Thats the way it is though.....
scooter
22-06-07, 07:14 PM
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Gabe, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GABE: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GABE: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: George, why do you always get so dirty?
GEORGE: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
EACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
LOL!!:test:
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the
results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him,
he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.:woot:
John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This
unsightly affliction had troubled him so much over the years that he was
finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found salvation in the
form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the
physically unfortunate, the ugly.
After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman
who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the
bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange,
he admitted, but what did he have to lose?
The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the
designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along
great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:
"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he
asked.
Flattered by the invitatin, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"
"Don't call me WOOD EYE, SH*TFACE!!" came John's angry reply.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son
saying, "All of you
b*stards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last
stop! And all of
you b*stards who are getting on, get your **** in the train, cause we're
going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you
come out, you may play
with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for
travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy
continue, "For those of
you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your
seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen." :)
Why did the chicken cross the road??
to get to the other side!!!
get it? hahahhahaah. :woot: :test:
How did the chicken cross the road??
to get to the other side!!!
get it? hahahhahaah. :woot: :test:
Did you mean "Why did the chicken cross the road"? :duh:
This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...
(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.
Subject: ANATOMY
A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed, and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 50-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up!" she replied. :p
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:dummyspit:
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside and said "I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh, my goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean it has a willy and a brain? That doesn't happen often, does it?"
i Don't Know How Many Of You Shop At Shopping Malls
But This Is How I Became A Victim Of This Scam
Two Seriously Good Looking Well-built Cowboy Type Guys
Come Over To Your Car As You Are Loading Your Purchases
They Are Both Without Their Shirts
And Start Wiping Your Windscreen
With A Rag And Windex, And Their Highly Defined Chest Muscles And Rock Hard Abs.
It's Impossible Not To Look, When You Offer Them A Tip, They Say No, And Instead ...ask For A Ride To Another Store.
You Agree And They Get In The Back Seat. On The Way, They Start Talking Rudely, About What They Want To Do.
Then One Climbs Over The Front Seat, And Begins Kissing Your Neck, And Begs You To Pull Over.
While All This Is Going On, The Other Guy, Steals Your Purse.
I Had My Purse Stolen......last Tuesday... Wednesday...twice On Thursday...and Again On Saturday.......... And Also Yesterday
And Most Likely Tomorrow.
Coaster
07-07-07, 05:32 PM
Reg Regans guide to men
1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you're gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit ups, earobics, and the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaaaayming F*G. A cat is like a dog, but gay. It grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses it's nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog, "Killer, come here, I said get your ass over here" Now think about how you call a cat "Bun-Bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeesus you're the poster nboy for gay.
3. I f you suck lollipops, ring pops, baby-dummies, or any such nonesense, rest assured you're a gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, stubbies or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a F*G.
4. If you refuse to have a dump in a public toilet or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toliet, he deficates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink coffee with skim milk, you love a high hard one in the poop shute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick wholesomne milk) and full aroma. A pussy eating man will never be heard ordering a decaf caffe latte with skim, and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you have had nutrisweet in your mouth, you've had dick in there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passess to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as the names of all the players in the NRL, Super 12, Cricket, PGA, NBL, and Supercar series. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a"fresier" is you are gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are F**gadocious1
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it....you're hungry for man sausage. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk slow ass volvo drivers or to cut the mother f***er off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger/chiko roll, hold his beer, or, if he's a wog, talk on his mobile phone.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, Oi? The only time it is acceptable to watch oe of those movies is with a woman who knoews how to reward her man. Watchiong any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (Spontaneous Homosexual Combustion), which is what happens to F*Gs when they flame out too quiclky. So follow the rules and beware, or keep that sh*t to yourself, you flamming F*ggot!
9. If your name is Marty, Brent, Josh, or Nat then stop living in denial. You're a dung punching ass bandit from way back and everyone knows it.
____________
:rolf: :rolf: LOL....Reg, is a Legend.
What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fvck off!
Capital_Shark
07-07-07, 08:57 PM
SHC (Spontaneous Homosexual Combustion), which is what happens to F*Gs when they flame out too quiclky
HAHAHA
all very good rules and ones I'm proud to say I abide by.
Man's earring
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!":woot:
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun
vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
Two blondes walk into a building.... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.':blink:
Social Loafer
18-07-07, 06:32 PM
An elderly couple were attending a church service. About half way
through she leans over and says to her husband "I just let out a
silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".
An elderly couple were attending a church service. About half way
through she leans over and says to her husband "I just let out a
silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".
:laugh: :laugh:
USA Titans Fan
19-07-07, 03:33 AM
How do you make a one armed blonde fall out of a tree?
You wave at her
scooter
29-07-07, 05:41 PM
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!
:clap:
A FUNERAL PROCESSION:
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black he**** was followed by a second long black he**** about 50feet behind the first one. Behind the second he****
Was a solitary woman walking a Rottweiler on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for
Your loss. I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second he****?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
:blink:
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,
"Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back!"
We do have to choose our words carefully sometimes, don't we?
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get
a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for
murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where
have you been?"
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long
hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic
remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a
stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled
around and screamed,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?":hissyfit"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have just been to
a muslim's birthday
party.
Musical chairs was a
bit slow..........
but pass the parcel was
F*****g quick!
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the
time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his
problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the
examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one
finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his
head
and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the
right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the
doctor
once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side.. Then
snip-snip-snip-snip
on
the left side. The midget was so scared
he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the
snipping
did
not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining
room
to
see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as
he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.
What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots.
Super Cronk
21-08-07, 11:53 AM
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”
scooter
02-09-07, 03:03 PM
> > >She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
> > >
> > >She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
> > >
> > >But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
> > >
> > >She finally died after having 25 children.
> > >
> > >Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
> > >
> > >He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're
> > >finally together."
> > >
> > >One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
> > >means her first, second, or third husband?"
> > >
> > >The friend replied, "I think he means her legs". :clap:
scooter
02-09-07, 03:14 PM
> >>
> >>> > Believing in yourself is the key to success
> >>> >
> >>
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>>
> >>> >
> >>> > >MAN I'M TIRED!
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while
> >>>his
> >>> >wife
> >>> >
> >>> > >stayed home.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while
> >>>my
> >>> >wife
> >>> >
> >>> > >merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so
> >>> >please
> >>> >
> >>> > >allow her body
> >>>to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > awakened the kids,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > set out their school clothes,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > fed them breakfast,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > packed their lunches,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > drove them to school,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > came home and
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > picked up the dry cleaning,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > took it to the cleaners
> >>>and
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
> >>> >groceries,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > paid the bills and balanced the check book.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > Mop the kitchen floor.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > Ran to the school to pick up the kids and
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > got into an argument with them on the way home.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> > Set out milk and cookies and
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > got the kids organized to do their homework,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > then set up the ironing board and
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > watched TV while he did the ironing.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > washing vegetables for salad,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > breaded the pork chops and
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > snapped fresh beans for supper.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > ran the dishwasher,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > folded laundry,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > bathed the
> >>>kids, and put them to bed.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores
> >>>weren't
> >>> >
> >>> > > finished,
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he
> >>> >managed
> >>> >
> >>> > >to get through without complaint.
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed
> >>>and
> >>> >said:
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > >-"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to
> >>>envy
> >>> >my
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh!
> >>>please,
> >>> >let
> >>> >
> >>> > > us
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > trade back."
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > The Lord, in his infinite wisdom,
> >>>replied:
> >>> >
> >>> > >
> >>> >
> >>> > > "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be
> >>>happy
> >>> >to
> >>> >
> >>> > >change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
> >>>wait
> >>> >nine
> >>> >
> >>> > >months though. You got pregnant last night.".......:rolf:
Flanker/5-8
04-09-07, 11:12 PM
Adam was feeling lonely in the Garden of Eden, and so God said:"I can create a woman for you."
"What's that?" asked Adam.
"Oh, it's something really nice", God replied. "Lovely to look at, gentle, kind, sex whenever you want it, never has a headache..."
"Sounds great", said Adam, "but I bet it doesn't come cheap. What'll it cost me?"
"An arm and a leg", God replied.
Adam thought about it for a minute, then asked: "What can I have for a rib?"
The rest is history...
Adam was feeling lonely in the Garden of Eden, and so God said:"I can create a woman for you."
"What's that?" asked Adam.
"Oh, it's something really nice", God replied. "Lovely to look at, gentle, kind, sex whenever you want it, never has a headache..."
"Sounds great", said Adam, "but I bet it doesn't come cheap. What'll it cost me?"
"An arm and a leg", God replied.
Adam thought about it for a minute, then asked: "What can I have for a rib?"
The rest is history...
:laugh:
Steel Dragon
06-09-07, 01:45 AM
An Irish man, and Elephant and a Giraffe all walk into a bar, sit down and ask for a drink...the barman than sais, "what is this...a joke?"
Lmao!
Slowly reading through this thread - this one had me in stitches.
Jason
Steel Dragon
06-09-07, 01:52 AM
3 construction workers were having smoko on the scaffolding of a high rise building they were building. 1 was Mexican, 1 was Italian and 1 was Irish.
The Mexican opened up his lunch box and said "aww not burritos again! If my wife packs me burritos once more, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The Italian bloke opens his lunch box, looks in and says "lasagne again! If my wife packs me lasagne for lunch once more, I'll jump off this building too!"
Finally the Irish fella opens his lunch box, looks in and sees an Irish stew. Like the rest of 'em he claims he'll jump from the building if his wife packs him stew for lunch again.
The next day comes around, smoko time again. The 3 workers, remembering their promises from the day before, sit down to eat. The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees burritos, stands up and jumps to his death. He is followed by the Italian who discovered more lasagne and the Irish fella with his stew taking a header off the building."
Later at the wake all the wifes are gathered around. The Mexican's wife is crying "if only I didn't pack him burritos, he'd still be alive!"
The Italian's wife cries out too "if only I gave him something other than lasagne, my husband would be here!"
The Irishman's wife however, isn't crying like the rest and blaming herself. When the other wives ask her "don't you blame yourself for you husband's death?" she says "no, the idiot used to pack his own lunch!"
One of my all-time favourites. Glad I didn't post it.
Jason
Steel Dragon
06-09-07, 02:55 AM
Some quickies for now:
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: You shoot it with a pink elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: You tell it a dirty joke so it turns pink, and shoot it with a pink elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a green elephant?
A: You hold its trunk until it turns blue, tell it a dirty joke so it turns pink, and shoot it with a pink elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a yellow elephant?
A: You feed it bad food to turn it green, hold its trunk until it turns blue, tell it a dirty joke so it turns pink, and shoot it with a pink elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a purple elephant?
A: Don't be daft, there's no such thing as a purple elephant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did one cow say to the other cow?
A: Moo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: "Good Morning."
Q: What did the other horse say back?
A: "Well I'll be, a talking horse!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you fit 4 elephants in a red Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do know if an elephant's been in your fridge?
A: A set of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know two elephants have been in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know three elephants have been in your fridge?
A: Three sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know four elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There's a red Mini parked outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Q: How do you confuse an Irishman?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
A: Give him a packet of Jaffas and tell him to eat the red ones last.
A: Give him a packet of M&Ms and tell him to arrange them in alphabetical order.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Latest Irish Inventions:
- Fly screens on submarines
- Ashtrays on motorbikes
- Ejector seats in helicopters
- Inflatable dartboards
- Waterproof teabags
- The bottomless cup
- Fireproof matches
- Windscreen wipers on submarines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man decided to take up mountaineering. So he trotted off to his local adventure store and asked the assistant what he equipment he would need. "How much money do you have to spend?" asked the assistant. "Not very much, a couple of hundred," replied the man. "Well then, you'll be wanting to check out our beginner's survival kit." The assistant pulls down a metal box and hands it to the man. Inside is a small pick-axe, a length of rope, a flare gun, a portable radio, and a deck of cards. The man, a little bemused, asked the shop assistant "Well, I can see how that may help me in a sticky situation, but if you don't mind, what are the cards for?" "Oh," replied the shop assistant. "The cards are by far the most important item." "How so?" asked the man. "Well you see, if the axe, rope, flares, and radio fail, you can always start a game of solitaire. Within 2 minutes, someone will be standing at your shoulder yelling 'the red 6 on the black seven you blind fool!'"
Jason
p.s. Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A: ...
Mr Khan and Mr Smith live next door to each other in identical houses.
They both get an estate agent to evaluate their houses and Mr Khan's is worth $300,000 but Mr Smith's is only worth $250,000.
Mr Smith asks why his house is worth less and the estate agent replies, "It is simple, Mr Khan doesn't have a Paki living next door."
Q: What do Kangaroos and Ecstasy have in common?
A: Joey :rolleyes:
Q: What do Kangaroos and Ecstasy have in common?
A: Joey :rolleyes:
LOL
What does Andrew Johns get from Maccas?
Only coke and ice.
PROMETHEUS
08-09-07, 01:03 PM
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.
What do you call a leper in a bath?
Porridge.
Did you hear about the leper who fell through the screen door and strained himself?
:nope:
Sonny-Skill
10-09-07, 03:25 PM
Some quickies for now:
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: You shoot it with a pink elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: You tell it a dirty joke so it turns pink, and shoot it with a pink elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a green elephant?
A: You hold its trunk until it turns blue, tell it a dirty joke so it turns pink, and shoot it with a pink elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a yellow elephant?
A: You feed it bad food to turn it green, hold its trunk until it turns blue, tell it a dirty joke so it turns pink, and shoot it with a pink elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a purple elephant?
A: Don't be daft, there's no such thing as a purple elephant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did one cow say to the other cow?
A: Moo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: "Good Morning."
Q: What did the other horse say back?
A: "Well I'll be, a talking horse!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you fit 4 elephants in a red Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do know if an elephant's been in your fridge?
A: A set of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know two elephants have been in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know three elephants have been in your fridge?
A: Three sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know four elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There's a red Mini parked outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Q: How do you confuse an Irishman?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
A: Give him a packet of Jaffas and tell him to eat the red ones last.
A: Give him a packet of M&Ms and tell him to arrange them in alphabetical order.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Latest Irish Inventions:
- Fly screens on submarines
- Ashtrays on motorbikes
- Ejector seats in helicopters
- Inflatable dartboards
- Waterproof teabags
- The bottomless cup
- Fireproof matches
- Windscreen wipers on submarines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man decided to take up mountaineering. So he trotted off to his local adventure store and asked the assistant what he equipment he would need. "How much money do you have to spend?" asked the assistant. "Not very much, a couple of hundred," replied the man. "Well then, you'll be wanting to check out our beginner's survival kit." The assistant pulls down a metal box and hands it to the man. Inside is a small pick-axe, a length of rope, a flare gun, a portable radio, and a deck of cards. The man, a little bemused, asked the shop assistant "Well, I can see how that may help me in a sticky situation, but if you don't mind, what are the cards for?" "Oh," replied the shop assistant. "The cards are by far the most important item." "How so?" asked the man. "Well you see, if the axe, rope, flares, and radio fail, you can always start a game of solitaire. Within 2 minutes, someone will be standing at your shoulder yelling 'the red 6 on the black seven you blind fool!'"
Jason
p.s. Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A: ...
SHOTGUN FOR MY FORUM :rolf:
Steel Dragon
10-09-07, 05:18 PM
As you can tell, I'm a fan of lame jokes. The lamer, the better. Remind me to post the Squirrell Joke at some point.
Jason
PROMETHEUS
10-09-07, 08:42 PM
Joe Bloggs turns up to work with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his trousers.
His mate Fred points this out to him and Joe says
"Yeah,its driving me nuts!"
:nope:
Nathalie
11-09-07, 08:48 AM
Joe Bloggs turns up to work with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his trousers.
His mate Fred points this out to him and Joe says
"Yeah,its driving me nuts!"
:nope:
:laugh:
Not sure if I've posted this one before or not...
Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A. 'We'd better get some support soon or people will think we're nuts!'
:D
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
"...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark." :der:
A panda walks into a caf?. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
“Why?” asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
“Well, I'm a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation: “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Coaster
14-09-07, 04:46 PM
Minichiello died and went to heaven. St Peter asked him if he wanted to play a local derby and Mini asked if Bowen had died yet because he was sick of Bowen embarrassing him on the field. St Peter assured him Bowen was not due for a few more years and Mini agreed to play.
Come game day, Mini stands at fullback and sees a familiar little black fella with a mop of curly black hair at fullback for the other side. The game begins and the little black fella fields a kick, steps the chasers and acclerates through the gap, outpaces the cover, chips over Mini, regathers one-handed while veering away from the last of the cover and eases over scoring under the posts.
Mini's furious and goes straight up to St Peter. "I thought you told me Matt Bowen wasn't playing, you bastard."
St Peter replies, smiling, "He's not. That's God. He just thinks he's Matty Bowen."
PROMETHEUS
23-09-07, 08:54 PM
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
Very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
His old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
Different
Countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
Think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they
Have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
By saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
Getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't
Be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
Out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
Blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty
Words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? ."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG,
AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A
F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER...GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
PROMETHEUS
23-09-07, 09:18 PM
Heres one for all the hardworking mums..
The Three Little Bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning.....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this
with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.............................................
I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!
~Wild Child~
03-10-07, 08:02 AM
A lil something for all the guys out there :p
Words women use
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed; this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/476/aikidojw1.gif
http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/1431/roflbx4.gif
Capital_Shark
03-10-07, 07:56 PM
An old Asian lady is in the bank exchanging some Yen for Aussie dollars. She looks down at the Aussie dollars the teller gave her and asks
"Last I come here with 2000 Yen you give me 200 dollar. This time I come with 2000 Yen you only give me 180 dollar - how come?"
The teller thinks for a second and replies
"Fluxuations"
The old Asian lady glares back at him and says
"FLUX YOU AUSSIES, TOO!"
An old Asian lady is in the bank exchanging some Yen for Aussie dollars. She looks down at the Aussie dollars the teller gave her and asks
"Last I come here with 2000 Yen you give me 200 dollar. This time I come with 2000 Yen you only give me 180 dollar - how come?"
The teller thinks for a second and replies
"Fluxuations"
The old Asian lady glares back at him and says
"FLUX YOU AUSSIES, TOO!"
:laugh: :laugh:
Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey
and then asks you to show them your bum, DO NOT show them your bum. This
is
a scam; they just want to see your bum.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap!! :?)
hugebrianfan
12-10-07, 11:15 AM
haha Very funny Jenny :)
hugebrianfan
12-10-07, 12:24 PM
this is a lame Joke..
A blonde walked into the bar, ouch..
what the hell..?
Say what?
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts
into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the
room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak,
we're going to Disney World!"
THE HORTH
WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the
horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I
recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget
with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget
and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again,
and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off
by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the
rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up
the horse's Ass, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. :blink:
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase
that. Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit"?
Coaster
19-10-07, 05:30 PM
Rules of pooing at work
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits
the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it
is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH .
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers,
and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney
cough
that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a
cubicle.
This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used
in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars
that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you
should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees
Saddam Hussien ordere d his son to go shopping otherwise he would sacrifice him. Anyway later that day the son comes home with the groceries in a box.
Saddam: Why did you bring all the groceries back in a box?
Son: Because they was no Baghdad!.:)
Coaster
23-10-07, 07:40 PM
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way "Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way "Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
:surprise: :laugh: :laugh:
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he
brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then
he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
PROMETHEUS
23-10-07, 07:48 PM
Similar Theme..
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Similar Theme..
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
:laugh: :laugh:
Psycho Test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right-including me.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she
did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy
she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there,
but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her
sister? (Give this some thought before you
answer.) SCROLL DOWN.
Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was
a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in
the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the
question correctly good for you. If you got the answer correct, please
let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick
you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on. Be sure to
share the test.
Coaster
23-10-07, 08:38 PM
Gee i didnt get that correct thankfully.
I heard a funny one, maybe on here im not sure.
Where a man and his wife were sitting in church.
Wife turned to the man and said
"I just let out a silent Fart, what should i do?"
The husband turned and said "check your hearing aid"
PROMETHEUS
23-10-07, 08:48 PM
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ****.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Sonny-Skill
24-10-07, 07:54 AM
Psycho Test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right-including me.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she
did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy
she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there,
but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her
sister? (Give this some thought before you
answer.) SCROLL DOWN.
Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was
a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in
the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the
question correctly good for you. If you got the answer correct, please
let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick
you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on. Be sure to
share the test.
I've heard that one before :)
MENOPAUSE JEWELRY
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
****in' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Flanker/5-8
09-11-07, 09:01 PM
I was driving to work the other day, and I got blindsided by some other car.
So I got out and walked over to the other car, and this bloody dwarf got out and lost his top at me.
He said, "I'm not happy!"
And I said, "Then which one are you?"
hugebrianfan
09-11-07, 09:53 PM
lame but funny.
Why was the nose crying?
because it didnt get picked.
Flanker/5-8
11-11-07, 07:51 PM
Ehh, this one's a bit rude so I'll white it out...I'll delete it if it's not allowed. Don't read it if you're easily offended.
What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair?
Nothing, you spread em both to the side and keep eating.
Ah, Jimeoin.
hugebrianfan
11-11-07, 08:01 PM
MENOPAUSE JEWELRY
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
****in' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
haha thats funny Jenny
~Wild Child~
15-11-07, 11:00 AM
Dear Pastor,
I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.
Some people turned to stare.
Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out,"Reach out,
reach out!"
So I did..........
http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/6568/imagevw3.jpg
Won't be in church this Sunday!
http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/9867/cid2e1e15dcbc064828a2f1dl9.jpg
:rolf:
~Wild Child~
15-11-07, 11:01 AM
http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/5951/image0011zn6.jpg
:rolf:
Coaster
15-11-07, 08:28 PM
Dear Pastor,
I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.
Some people turned to stare.
Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out,"Reach out,
reach out!"
So I did..........
http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/6568/imagevw3.jpg
Won't be in church this Sunday!
http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/9867/cid2e1e15dcbc064828a2f1dl9.jpg
:rolf:
That would turn a pastor away from little boys.
:clap: :clap:
HodgoBerro
15-11-07, 08:48 PM
http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/5951/image0011zn6.jpg
:rolf:
Michel you're so cruel!
man i want one of them - might turn the wallabies off their game!
keep up the good work i love it!
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop
BR>She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. What did you buy?"
Coaster
29-11-07, 07:21 PM
The Labor party today announced it is going to change the Australian Emblem from a Kangaroo and Emu to a Condom as it better reflects there political stance.
A Condom allows for inflation, Halts production, Destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr*cks, and gives you a sense of security while your actually being f**ked.
Capital_Shark
29-11-07, 08:02 PM
The Labor party today announced it is going to change the Australian Emblem from a Kangaroo and Emu to a Condom as it better reflects there political stance.
A Condom allows for inflation, Halts production, Destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr*cks, and gives you a sense of security while your actually being f**ked.
haha I like it.
Personally, I didn't vote for Rudd. But the new government and their different policies and changes and such have meant a dramatic increase in the length of my contract with a government department, so at the moment, I'm not complaining. Climate change in particular - so I'm making money on a myth, you beauty.
Hoppy2007Dragons
29-11-07, 10:18 PM
Good to hear CS.
I din't vote for Rudd(no suprioses there) but as long as he keeps to his word and keeps the country moving forward i ain't gonna *****.
Ps. love the joke Coaster
When they take baths, how can you tell a nun and a whore apart?
The nun has hope in her soul.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
>
> "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess
>
> something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven,"
>
> The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
>
> You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
>
> The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He
>
> shook them and said, "They're bells."
>
> Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
>
> The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
>
> St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
>
> The man replied, "They're Carols."
>
> And So The 2007 Holiday Season Begins....
>
A 5 year old girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk down the street and back?"
Mum replies, "No, dear, she's on heat."
The little girl replied, "No she's not sat on anything warm, so can I take her for a walk?"
Mum replies "No it's not that kind of heat, its her season time."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk down the street and back? I asked Mum, but she said that Belle was on heat and to come to you to tell me what that meant."
As her dad was busy working on an old car he was restoring, which wasn't going too well, he was in no mood to explain the ins and outs of what on heat meant and the 50 WHY questions that would go with it. He sighed, thought for a moment and said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once down the street and back again."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with just the leash, and no dog.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Flanker/5-8
10-12-07, 10:54 PM
lol Ryan.
A penguin got a flat tire while driving one hot summer day. He managed to get the car to a mechanic and, while waiting for them to fix the tire, he wandered over to a nearby parlor shop and had an ice cream cone. It was messy eating, considering that he was a penguin, and by the time he was through there was ice cream all over him.
The mechanic came over to him a few minutes later. "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin said. "It's just vanilla."
BIT OF A SHORT STORY......
There is a monkey sitting up in a tree, smoking a bowl. High as a kite. Then a lizard walks by.....
Lizard: "Hey monkey! Watcha doin?"
Monkey: "Not too much lizard, just smokin this bowl to myself, you want in?"
Lizard: "Hell yeh man"
So a good 3 hours go by, the monkey and lizard are just blazed at this point.
Lizard: "Damn, I got some cottonmouth like a motha."
Monkey: "Theres a pond like 50ft back there, go get a drink, but hurry back I'm about to finish this."
So the lizard goes to the pond and starts drinking. A couple minutes later an alligator pokes his head up out of the water......
Alligator: "Hey lizard, watcha doin?"
Lizard: "Not too much man, just getting a drink. I been smoking in that tree with that monkey for like 3 hours."
Alligator: "No way man! Is there any left? Do you think he will shout me?"
Lizard: "Hell yeh man, hes a champion, go check him out."
So the alligator makes his way to the tree the monkey is in while the lizard finishes up at the pond. As the Alligator gets to the tree he looks up and sees the monkey...
Alligator: "Hey monkey! You there, monkey!"
Monkey: "Holy **** man...How much water did you drink?"
lol Ryan.
A penguin got a flat tire while driving one hot summer day. He managed to get the car to a mechanic and, while waiting for them to fix the tire, he wandered over to a nearby parlor shop and had an ice cream cone. It was messy eating, considering that he was a penguin, and by the time he was through there was ice cream all over him.
The mechanic came over to him a few minutes later. "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin said. "It's just vanilla."
Thats a corker, I'll be using that one at work tomorrow :laugh:
Hoppy2007Dragons
11-12-07, 12:21 PM
I'm sure everyone has heard this one before
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
-
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
-
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
-
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
I'm sure everyone has heard this one before
That one belongs in the election thread ;)
Hoppy2007Dragons
12-12-07, 01:11 AM
I'm sure most of u have heard a few of these, bear with me. PS, some are not for young eyes.
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember...
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
-
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
-
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas
, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
-
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
-
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
-
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
-
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
-
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel. "
-
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
-
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Surprisingly he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I am sooooo surprised!!!'
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed
The Devil opened the door to the first room.
Inside was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
Nixon kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such is his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so,'
I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could stand diving into hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was to break the rocks all day.
Such is his fate in hell.
'No!' said George, ' I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant pain if all I could do was break rocks all day.'
The Devil opened the third door.
Bill Clinton was in there, lying spread eagled on the floor. His arms were staked
over his head, and his legs were spread out, staked wide apart.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush stared at this in disbelief.
Finally he said 'Yeah, I guess I can handle this.' The Devil smiled - and called out:
'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
Timmy Titans
02-01-08, 10:43 AM
someone might have already done this one but anyway
Football fan
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Mersyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well if your not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Manchester City fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a City fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a City fan and my dad is a City fan, so I'm a City fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and you dad was a drug dealer and car theif, what what you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
someone might have already done this one but anyway
Football fan
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Mersyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well if your not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Manchester City fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a City fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a City fan and my dad is a City fan, so I'm a City fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and you dad was a drug dealer and car theif, what what you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
LOL....good one Timmy
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over
and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
Capital_Shark
06-01-08, 06:22 PM
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
lamo......lmao.......lmao......lmao...:p
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
...........................................
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Mate, i LOVE this one. :rolf:
Mate, i LOVE this one. :rolf:
Yep...thats funny
Mate, i LOVE this one. :rolf:
Yeah that one was really good. Almost makes you want to try it yourself.
The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"
Good one Jenny. :)
I don't buy flowers, it usually has some sort of admission of guilt associated with them! lol
Good one Jenny. :)
I don't buy flowers, it usually has some sort of admission of guilt associated with them! lol
LOL Whiz:p
ll delete it in a minute...not good for the Young ones :?)
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter:
"What are you doing?" She asked
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked:
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded:
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
World Shortest Fairytale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank Martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never **** on.
The End
HORMONE HOSTAGE
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!
DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:
1.....WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
2.... CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?
3....... WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?
4....... HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
ARE YOU
1......WEARING THAT?
2.....WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!
3...... WOW!
LOOK AT YOU!
4....... HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
1......WHAT ARE YOU
SO WORKED UP ABOUT?
2......COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?
3...... HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.
4.......HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````
1.......SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?
2......YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.
3.......CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?
4....HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````
1....WHAT DID
YOU DO
ALL DAY?
2.......I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.
3.......I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!
4........HERE, HAVE
SOME MORE WINE
```````````````````````````````````````````````
13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF
&&& MY FAVORITE ONE
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT
A Melbourne supporter calls the storm head office and asks for some merchandise. The salesperson replied we've got jumpers, shirts, shorts and scarfs but we havent had a cap for 5 years.
NEWS FLASH: Flash flooding has swept through Redfern, causing $5M worth of improvements!
TITAN PETE
20-01-11, 03:59 PM
A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies $60.
"Wow, what do I get for that,?''
She says, "A baggy green cap and an Australian cricket shirt.
Titanic
07-02-11, 01:39 AM
A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies $60.
"Wow, what do I get for that,?''
She says, "A baggy green cap and an Australian cricket shirt.
I don't get it. Sure, I understand the cricket humour but what's kinky about total humiliation? ;)
Coaster
04-05-11, 08:09 PM
Coles Car Park Scam - PLEASE BE AWARE
A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular
customers at Coles. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Simply going out to get some shopping turned
out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't
happen to you!
Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good looking 21 year old girls come over to
your car as you are loading your groceries into the boot. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windowlene, with their cleavage almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and
instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre. You agree and they get
in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on
you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on May the 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on
the 15th, 17th, 20th, Jun 2nd, 4th, three times on the 5th, three times just
yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy
more wallets.
Please pass this message on to all the men you know to warn
them about this scam!
TITAN PETE
05-05-11, 04:19 PM
Bulldogs supporters are all wearing Black armbands this weekend after their no1 supporter was tragically gunned down while holidaying in Pakistan
AmericanTitan
06-05-11, 12:39 AM
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a 'bin Laden.'
The bartender ask how do you make a 'bin Laden?'
Guy responds 'two shots and a splash of water.'
Coaster
08-09-11, 12:39 PM
Titans 2011 Premiers
boom tish :fist: :fist:
SunnyCoastTitanFan
08-09-11, 01:29 PM
This joke is kinda religious, but here we go anyway
The pope wanted to get rid of all the Jews in Italy, and they eventually settled that they will have a debate to decide whether of not the Jews would have to leave. The italians used the pope as their representative, and the Jews used a street sweeper by the name of Moishe. As both of these people couldn't speak the same language, they decided it would have to be a silent debate.
The pope started off by raising 3 fingers, and Moishe responded by raising one. The pope proceded to swirl his finger around, and Moishe responded by pointing to the ground. The pope than brings out some bread and wine, and Moishe brings out an apple. At this point the pope surrenders and says all of you Jews can stay.
Later on when the pope is explaining what happened, he said 'I raised 3 fingers to remind him of the trinity (father, son and holy spirit), and he said that god is also one. I said god is all around us, and he said that god is right here as well. Then I get out bread and wine to remind him of communion, and he got out an apple to remind me of the first fruit. After that I had to let the Jews stay.'
Later on when Moishe is asked what happened he says 'well I don't know, he said we got 3 days to leave italy, so I gave him the finger, than he said that he's going to circulate the Jews from all over the country and kick us out, and I said that we're staying right here.' Someone than asked Moishe 'what happened after that?', and he responded '****ed if I know, he got out his lunch, so I got out mine'
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