View Full Version : Post your funniest jokes...
What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?
Artificial intelligence.
What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?
Artificial intelligence.
Other way round dude!
What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence
I can keep going..... :spit:
Other way round dude!
What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence
NO NO. I got it right Think aout how dumb blondes are, read the joke to figure out how dumb brunettes are :rotflmao:
Teach you a thing or 2 smarty pants Jen. Just cos Ive had a few does't mean my wit has gone. :rotflmao:
Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, "My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here."
"Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe Horses?"
"I'm not sure," said Paddy, "but I once told a Donkey to #### off."
Sorry bout the brunette jokes Jenny.
Hey is there a thread on the progress of the Pink Elephant/Titanium bar. Whats doin over there.
Sorry bout the brunette jokes Jenny.
Hey is there a thread on the progress of the Pink Elephant/Titanium bar. Whats doin over there.
LOL...they were funny dee...i never worry about that..bringem on ;)
titanium Bar is shut until tomorrow :( Why?? have you drank your stash :beer: :laugh:
I will have a nice meal for you there tomorrow ;)
LOL...they were funny dee...i never worry about that..bringem on ;)
titanium Bar is shut until tomorrow :( Why?? have you drank your stash :beer: :laugh:
I will have a nice meal for you there tomorrow ;)
No, still have 17 left in the fridge. I used to work at the Concorde hotel (now VIBES). Last time I went past it was under construction.
No, still have 17 left in the fridge. I used to work at the Concorde hotel (now VIBES). Last time I went past it was under construction.
17 :!: whats your address :spit: Concord was cool
17 :!: whats your address :spit: Concord was cool
:beer: :beer: :beer: I don't know, can't remember :beer: My head hurts :beer: fgew shdjwvgl vsjfotmny :dead:
:beer: :beer: :beer: I don't know, can't remember :beer: My head hurts :beer: fgew shdjwvgl vsjfotmny :dead:
:D :spit: Noooooo dee torrow it will HURT :( LOL
> Mick is appearing on the Irish version of 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'
> Gay Byrne (presenter): Mick you've done very well so far you're on
$500,000
> and you've got one lifeline left - phone a friend. The next question will
> give you the first ever million if you get it right, but if you get it
wrong
> you will be out of the game and drop to $32,000 - are you ready?"
>
> Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"
>
> Gay Byrne: "Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest? Is
> it: A-Robin / B-Sparrow / C-Cuckoo / D-Thrush
>
> Remember Mick it's worth 1 Million dollars."
>
> Mick: "I think I know it...but I'm not 100%...no I haven't got a clue. Can
I
> phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?"
>
> Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"
> Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in Ballygoon."
>
> (Ringing) Paddy: "Hello..."
> Gay: "Hello Paddy, its Gay Byrne here from "Who Wants To Be a
Millionaire",
> I have Mick here and he's doing well he's on $500,000 but needs your help
to
> get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Mick's he'll explain the
> question. There are 4 possible answers but just 1 correct answer, you have
> 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."
>
> Mick: "Paddy, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
"Is
> it: A-Robin / B-Sparrow / C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush!"
>
> Paddy: "Jesus Mick that's simple...It's a Cuckoo.
>
> Mick: "Are you sure Paddy?"
>
> Paddy: "I'm sure."
>
> Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (Hangs up)
>
> Gay: "Well do you want to stick on ?500,000 or play on for the first ever
> Million Mick?"
>
> Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo.
>
> Gay: "Is that your final answer?"
>
> Mick: "Final answer!"
>
> Gay: "Confident?"
>
> Mick: "Yes fairly, Paddy's a sound bet."
>
> Gay: "Mick ...you had ?500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won
> $1,000,000.00!! Here is your cheque - you have been a great contestant and
a
> real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick."
>
> (Applause)
>
> That night Mick calls Paddy and brings him down to the local pub to fill
> him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick turns to Paddy
and
> asks. "Tell me Paddy! How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo
> that does not build its own nest, sure you know nothin' at all about
birds?"
>
> Paddy: "Listen Mick, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock"
Believe it or not, I don't actually like getting drunk. ITS TRUE!!! Im very strict on my limits and am a smart drinker. Im always able to drive home after a big night out. Little can be said about when Im drinking at home.
Believe it or not, I don't actually like getting drunk. ITS TRUE!!! Im very strict on my limits and am a smart drinker. Im always able to drive home after a big night out. Little can be said about when Im drinking at home.
When the time is right! ;) ehhh? and tonight ..the time was so right :D
And stop picking on the Irish....
sdrawkcab er'ew fi ti pleh t'nac eW
:spit:
And stop picking on the Irish....
sdrawkcab er'ew fi ti pleh t'nac eW
:spit:
Our Irish friend sends them to me..he's a corker..very funny ;)
LOL..your talking Braile :laugh: here have a drink :beer:
Our Irish friend sends them to me..he's a corker..very funny ;)
LOL..your talking Braile :laugh: here have a drink :beer:
It may make sense if you read in reverse
It may make sense if you read in reverse
Ohh Yeahhhhhhhhh :sick: does too
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
Ohh Yeahhhhhhhhh :sick: does too
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
Ummmmmm...... No superman jokes. He is a legend. I have a superman tatoo on my left arm
Ummmmmm...... No superman jokes. He is a legend. I have a superman tatoo on my left arm
So do i :spit:
So do i :spit:
No way :!: Ur not a Bon Jovi fan are you
No way :!: Ur not a Bon Jovi fan are you
Jokes..i have a lil rose on my lower back...Bon jovi are ok :ok:
BrisbaneBroncosRule
29-12-06, 11:16 PM
Whats wrong with Bon Jovi? They have good songs. "Living on a Prayer", "Blaze of Glory", etc.
Good on yu... I thought no chick gets superman on their shoulder unless they love JBJ
Whats wrong with Bon Jovi? They have good songs. "Living on a Prayer", "Blaze of Glory", etc.
Im a massive fan. I have 3 tatoos that were originally dedicated to jbj and the band. 2 of them took on a bit of a different meaning when I started lifesaving
BrisbaneBroncosRule
29-12-06, 11:20 PM
Im a massive fan. I have 3 tatoos that were originally dedicated to jbj and the band. 2 of them took on a bit of a different meaning when I started lifesaving
lol oh, i thought you were saying being a fan is bad lol. I read the meaning of your post different :rotflmao:
Goodnight guys. Don't stay up to late. Its another big day of chillin by the pool and getting over hangovers for some of us tomorrow. Its a hard life when you have 2 pools in ur complex and a fridge full of alcohol :hi:
Later dude, I'm out for the night too...
Goodnight guys. Don't stay up to late. Its another big day of chillin by the pool and getting over hangovers for some of us tomorrow. Its a hard life when you have 2 pools in ur complex and a fridge full of alcohol :hi:
Nite dee :hi: Funny as...be well :spit: ake 3 panadol now.then no headache tomorrow ;)
NEW YEAR RESOLUTION #1: :beer: FOR THE TITAN BOYS :beer: :beer:
1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.
RESOLUTION #4:
2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2003: I will not leave Marge.
2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
RESOLUTION #5:
2002: I will stop looking at other women.
2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2005: I will stop looking at other women.
RESOLUTION #6:
2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
RESOLUTION #7:
2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2005: I will not speak to Charlie.
RESOLUTION #8:
2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.
RESOLUTION #9:
2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
RESOLUTION #10:
2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the American Task Force (ATF), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The ATF goes in. Their armoured battering ram gets stuck in the mud, several agents are killed and injured by rabbits and some friendly fire, and they have to call in the US Marshall's Service to get them out. The Marshals respond promptly by readjusting the deadly force policy to include the shooting on sight of anything with ears.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
Capital_Shark
30-12-06, 06:58 PM
lol Americans .. One c0ck up after another
Check this vid out:
Stupid Americans (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE)
Check this vid out:
Stupid Americans (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE)
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
When I was younger, I remember collecting these "MR" books, but I don't remember getting this one....
http://www.fmft.net/archives/Mr%20Jihad/post-11-1122920436.jpg
Capital_Shark
30-12-06, 07:25 PM
When I was younger, I remember collecting these "MR" books, but I don't remember getting this one....
http://www.fmft.net/archives/Mr%20Jihad/post-11-1122920436.jpg
LMFAO!:rotflmao::rotflmao:bearded little 1 armed bastard loaded up with TNT ahhaha
When I was younger, I remember collecting these "MR" books, but I don't remember getting this one....
http://www.fmft.net/archives/Mr%20Jihad/post-11-1122920436.jpg
Funny as :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: anymore Ryan???
LOOK AT HIS LIL MO AND BEARD :rotflmao:
When I was younger, I remember collecting these "MR" books, but I don't remember getting this one....
http://www.fmft.net/archives/Mr%20Jihad/post-11-1122920436.jpg
He's my screensaver now
RYANS QUIET....HE'LL FIND A LIL MATE FOR MR JIHAD :dead:
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." :dead:
A Case for More Beer
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Social Loafer
30-12-06, 10:09 PM
Time for a classic, knowing me I probably posted this before but I couldn't be assed going back through the pages.
--------------------------------------------------------------
A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.
The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem ?" the Reverend inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The Reverend asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there" admitted the man shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the Reverend.
"We know" said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Bunnings either."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time for a classic, knowing me I probably posted this before but I couldn't be assed going back through the pages.
--------------------------------------------------------------
A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.
The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem ?" the Reverend inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The Reverend asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there" admitted the man shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the Reverend.
"We know" said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Bunnings either."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
LMAO! :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Excelent joke Schifty
:rotflmao:
My husband LOVED it too Schifty..thats gold :rotflmao:
Future Star
30-12-06, 11:02 PM
LMAO SCHIFTY! THATS BRILLIANT!!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
CHARLES'S EXOTIC DANCER DAD .
Charles was at prep school this morning and the teacher asked all the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came
out, accountant, policeman, salesman, carpenter, dustman etc, but Charles
was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about
his
father. Charles did not want to talk, but a fair bit of effort by the
teacher extracted the following response, "My father is an exotic dancer
in a
club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes
if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel
room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Charles aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Charles, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say." :?)
Good one Jenny........
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
BrisbaneBroncosRule
01-01-07, 01:35 PM
Good one Jenny........
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
yep great stuff Jenn lol
Keep them comin'. :rotflmao:
Three young women are at a coc.ktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this
with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white." :box:
Heard that one before :rotflmao:
Good to hear it again :rotflmao:
Future Star
01-01-07, 07:40 PM
VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this
with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white." :box:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
BrisbaneBroncosRule
01-01-07, 08:58 PM
VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this
with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white." :box:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
that was a great one lol
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
Social Loafer
05-01-07, 11:06 PM
Just going through my old emails and found this gem...Read at your own risk :laugh: (you will need to highlight it to read)
Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.
The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for ware and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.
"When I walked through the front door" the first girl starts "I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins".
The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.
Then the second girl claimed she could top that. "When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I'm lucky to be here."
The other two were shocked.
Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,"well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen."
There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog."
Capital_Shark
05-01-07, 11:07 PM
That reminds me of the other day, coming home from the pub, we got pulled over for a random breath test (I was half cut but the driver was straight, don't drink and drive kiddies or your a bloody idiot!) a couple mates were getting some stuff for a BBQ and following. Cause I'm a good bloke I thought it best to ring my mates to warn them of the cops, but I couldn't remember the name of the road, so I asked the cop, he told me, I then relayed the message to my mates on the phone "go the long way bro, random breath test on Belconnen Way" boy did I get a filthy look from the copper.
EDIT: I meant Ryan's last joke, not Schifty's. There were no K9's in my story.
Social Loafer
05-01-07, 11:22 PM
EDIT: I meant Ryan's last joke, not Schifty's. There were no K9's in my story.
Well best forget about any calls I had lined up :laugh:
Anyway the important question here is, was the bbq any good?
Capital_Shark
05-01-07, 11:33 PM
Well best forget about any calls I had lined up :laugh:
Anyway the important question here is, was the bbq any good?
My mate that was following is head of the grill at an exclusive restaurant in Sydney, Paris Hilton was eating there a couple days before he come down, so what do you reckon?
Social Loafer
05-01-07, 11:39 PM
My mate that was following is head of the grill at an exclusive restaurant in Sydney, Paris Hilton was eating there a couple days before he come down, so what do you reckon?
Can I phone a Friend on that one?
Sounds awesome though, the fact that Paris was there made it better.
Anyway for the record, the most exclusive food my taste buds have ever tasted are that of Debacle in Braddon...
Give me the sports club chicken parimigana, chips + gravy any day :laugh:
*edit* looks like I hijacked another thread, best say something funny, umm, on the way home from the roosters match at Aussie stadium this year we pulled up traffic lights next to a golf course, so subsequently blew whistles and yelled when someone was about to tee off- he didn't look impressed, arn't a mature bloke...
Capital_Shark
05-01-07, 11:44 PM
Can I phone a Friend on that one?
Sounds awesome though, the fact that Paris was there made it better.
Anyway for the record, the most exclusive food my taste buds have ever tasted are that of Debacle in Braddon...
Give me the sports club chicken parimigana, chips + gravy any day :laugh:
*edit* looks like I hijacked another thread, best say something funny, umm, on the way home from the roosters match at Aussie stadium this year we pulled up traffic lights next to a golf course, so subsequently blew whistles and yelled when someone was about to tee off- he didn't look impressed, arn't a mature bloke...
Well unfortunately Paris wasn't at our BBQ. But it was good.
And Debacle in Braddon is pretty good, went there for lunch about a month ago, had the veal, very nice, the chips were about a month old though I think so that kinda let it down. Best food I've had is Sabayon in Civic. Set me back though, about $180 for me and a friend, I had chicken, she had steak, the quale and gnocchi for entre was outta this world.
Social Loafer
05-01-07, 11:56 PM
yeah I thought Debarcle was pretty good, ended up spending roughly $70-$80 for my dinner- But 3/4 of that was on beer.. Carlsberg $5.90 a pop and Stella's @ $6.90 kind of adds up..
Gotta mention the Belconnen Labor club, could go there in college and get a roast beef roll+chips and gravy for $5.50.
Capital_Shark
06-01-07, 12:00 AM
yeah I thought Debarcle was pretty good, ended up spending roughly $70-$80 for my dinner- But 3/4 of that was on beer.. Carlsberg $5.90 a pop and Stella's @ $6.90 kind of adds up..
Gotta mention the Belconnen Labor club, could go there in college and get a roast beef roll+chips and gravy for $5.50.
I had Becks at about $5.50 and a few bottles of wine at god knows how much at Debacle.
Belco Labor club is good, I know the managers there so I don't usually pay too much.
Social Loafer
06-01-07, 12:05 AM
Belco labor club is pretty good, they also have an in house TAB which is always a bonus.. Although I havn't been there is quiet some time now... Remember when that bloke ploughed his 4WD through the front door after losing something like 50k on pokies? Was refused bail because he told them he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't do it again.. Wonder what happened to him?
Anyway the fit will hit the shan when the mods see this thread in the morning :laugh:
Capital_Shark
06-01-07, 12:08 AM
Belco labor club is pretty good, they also have an in house TAB which is always a bonus.. Although I havn't been there is quiet some time now... Remember when that bloke ploughed his 4WD through the front door after losing something like 50k on pokies? Was refused bail because he told them he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't do it again.. Wonder what happened to him?
Anyway the fit will hit the shan when the mods see this thread in the morning :laugh:
In house TAB .. Yes, lost many a dollar on a dog there. And I do remember the bloke and his roaming 4X4, silly bugger. The mods will get over it, I'm sure, because we'll let this get back on track now, or soonish.
PS clear your inbox champ
Social Loafer
06-01-07, 12:15 AM
Didn't know I even had any messages in there :laugh:
Anyway...
Q: What do you call Fireman Sam when he gets
fired?
A: Sam.
I'll see myself out.
Capital_Shark
06-01-07, 12:18 AM
Thats like:
What do you call Sharky the admin guy after today?
..Sharky
I had Becks at about $5.50 and a few bottles of wine at god knows how much at Debacle.
Belco Labor club is good, I know the managers there so I don't usually pay too much.
:ok: Ummm...excuse me, i am the Secretary Manager of the club just mentioned... :rolleyes: And your friends names are?????????????????????????????????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Paid
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $6.50.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeeper replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly,
the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right on the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way. :beer:
Social Loafer
10-01-07, 05:10 PM
A new US Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
the Iraq desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed
a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant
why the camel is kept there.
"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
women. And sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about "urges". The camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges" and
asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with Molly.
When he's done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are".
A new US Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
the Iraq desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed
a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant
why the camel is kept there.
"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
women. And sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about "urges". The camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges" and
asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with Molly.
When he's done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are".
:laugh: :laugh:
Capital_Shark
10-01-07, 09:18 PM
Remembered this one after reading Schifty's joke about the newly weds joining the church:
A little Aussie bloke is in a pub having a drink at the bar just down from some big loud mouthed American. As he's drinking away keeping to himself, the American bloke gets up to go to the bathroom, when *WHACK* he belts the little Aussie fella to the floor.
"Bloody hell mate, what was that?!" says the Aussie.
"That was a judo chop from Japan!" the yank replies as he walks off to the bathroom.
The Aussie bloke climbs back up on his bar stool and continues drinking his beer when the yank comes back from the bathroom and *WHACK* he knocks him to the floor again.
"What the bloody hell was that?!" the Aussie yells.
"That was a karate chop from China" says the yank as he walks off laughing.
Bugger this, thinks the Aussie, and finishes his beer and leaves. About 30mins later the Aussie returns, sees the yank sitting at the bar carrying on telling his tall stories and *WHACK* the Aussie knocks this yank for six, looks over at the bar tender and says;
"When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings!"
Remembered this one after reading Schifty's joke about the newly weds joining the church:
A little Aussie bloke is in a pub having a drink at the bar just down from some big loud mouthed American. As he's drinking away keeping to himself, the American bloke gets up to go to the bathroom, when *WHACK* he belts the little Aussie fella to the floor.
"Bloody hell mate, what was that?!" says the Aussie.
"That was a judo chop from Japan!" the yank replies as he walks off to the bathroom.
The Aussie bloke climbs back up on his bar stool and continues drinking his beer when the yank comes back from the bathroom and *WHACK* he knocks him to the floor again.
"What the bloody hell was that?!" the Aussie yells.
"That was a karate chop from China" says the yank as he walks off laughing.
Bugger this, thinks the Aussie, and finishes his beer and leaves. About 30mins later the Aussie returns, sees the yank sitting at the bar carrying on telling his tall stories and *WHACK* the Aussie knocks this yank for six, looks over at the bar tender and says;
"When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings!"
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Robbie_Dee
10-01-07, 09:21 PM
Remembered this one after reading Schifty's joke about the newly weds joining the church:
A little Aussie bloke is in a pub having a drink at the bar just down from some big loud mouthed American. As he's drinking away keeping to himself, the American bloke gets up to go to the bathroom, when *WHACK* he belts the little Aussie fella to the floor.
"Bloody hell mate, what was that?!" says the Aussie.
"That was a judo chop from Japan!" the yank replies as he walks off to the bathroom.
The Aussie bloke climbs back up on his bar stool and continues drinking his beer when the yank comes back from the bathroom and *WHACK* he knocks him to the floor again.
"What the bloody hell was that?!" the Aussie yells.
"That was a karate chop from China" says the yank as he walks off laughing.
Bugger this, thinks the Aussie, and finishes his beer and leaves. About 30mins later the Aussie returns, sees the yank sitting at the bar carrying on telling his tall stories and *WHACK* the Aussie knocks this yank for six, looks over at the bar tender and says;
"When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings!" :rotflmao: lmao, nice one!
Good one Sharkey, I'm gonna use that! :laugh:
Capital_Shark
10-01-07, 09:24 PM
Good one Sharkey, I'm gonna use that! :laugh:
Be my guest champ, its always a winner. It was a regular in my travells a few years ago, tried it out again when I remembered it after new years and its still gold, even amoung the same mates lol
Nathalie
10-01-07, 09:37 PM
"When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings!"
Did it break in two once it made contact? :p
-------------------------------------
A crow walked into a bar, says to the bartender: 'Can I have some corn,please?'
The bartender says 'Sorry, we don't serve corn here.' So the crow flies away.
The next day, the crow flies back into the pub, says to the bartender: 'Can I have some corn,please?' Once again, the bartender says 'Sorry, we don't serve corn here.' So the crow flies away once more.
The third day, the crow flies into the pub and again asks the bartender: 'Can I have some corn,please?' The bartender, who is really p***ed off at this point, says 'Look, I've told you a million times, we don't serve corn here, and if you come in here one more time asking for corn, I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar!!' So the crow flies away.
The next day, the crow flies back into the pub and asks the bartender, 'Can I have some nails, please?' The bartender says: 'Sorry, we don't have any nails.' The crow then replies, 'Oh, ok. Can I have some corn, please?'
Boom-tish! :D
Did it break in two once it made contact? :p
-------------------------------------
A crow walked into a bar, says to the bartender: 'Can I have some corn,please?'
The bartender says 'Sorry, we don't serve corn here.' So the crow flies away.
The next day, the crow flies back into the pub, says to the bartender: 'Can I have some corn,please?' Once again, the bartender says 'Sorry, we don't serve corn here.' So the crow flies away once more.
The third day, the crow flies into the pub and again asks the bartender: 'Can I have some corn,please?' The bartender, who is really p***ed off at this point, says 'Look, I've told you a million times, we don't serve corn here, and if you come in here one more time asking for corn, I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar!!' So the crow flies away.
The next day, the crow flies back into the pub and asks the bartender, 'Can I have some nails, please?' The bartender says: 'Sorry, we don't have any nails.' The crow then replies, 'Oh, ok. Can I have some corn, please?'
Boom-tish! :D
:spit: :spit:
Pity Rodney Rude jokes couldnt be put here :D:D
Robbie_Dee
10-01-07, 09:49 PM
i got one, a bit long so I'll cut it a bit shorter,
A few Cowboys are ridin on their horses along the desert, they stop to take a break, and noticed a heap of Indian's on the horizon! One cowboy said to the other, 'how far do you reckon they are away?' The Cowboy replied, 'ooh, well they are this high, **indicates with his hand, as in the way you would describe how big a hale stone is**, so they would be about 4 days away.
They then keep riding on, they set up camp one night, and they look back, they notice that the indians are a bit closer, One asks to the other, 'how far do you reckon they are away?' The cowboy replied, well they are a little bit bigger this time, about this high, ** Indicates with his hand **, so, i would say that they are 1 day away!'
They keep riding, and the next night they set up camp, and look back ,and they notice that the Indian's keep getting closer, One then asks to the other cowboy, 'how far away do you reckon they are?', The cowboy replies, well they are this high **indicates with hand**, so I'd say they are about 3 hours away! The cowboy then says, holy ****, We'd better shoot em before they get any closer! the Other cowboy then replies, no, we can't shoot em, I've known em since they were this high **indicates i with hand**
:laugh:
i got one, a bit long so I'll cut it a bit shorter,
A few Cowboys are ridin on their horses along the desert, they stop to take a break, and noticed a heap of Indian's on the horizon! One cowboy said to the other, 'how far do you reckon they are away?' The Cowboy replied, 'ooh, well they are this high, **indicates with his hand, as in the way you would describe how big a hale stone is**, so they would be about 4 days away.
They then keep riding on, they set up camp one night, and they look back, they notice that the indians are a bit closer, One asks to the other, 'how far do you reckon they are away?' The cowboy replied, well they are a little bit bigger this time, about this high, ** Indicates with his hand **, so, i would say that they are 1 day away!'
They keep riding, and the next night they set up camp, and look back ,and they notice that the Indian's keep getting closer, One then asks to the other cowboy, 'how far away do you reckon they are?', The cowboy replies, well they are this high **indicates with hand**, so I'd say they are about 3 hours away! The cowboy then says, holy ****, We'd better shoot em before they get any closer! the Other cowboy then replies, no, we can't shoot em, I've known em since they were this high **indicates i with hand**
:laugh:
:lol!: :lol!:
Nathalie
11-01-07, 09:26 AM
At a U2 concert, they finish a song, and there's silence. All of a sudden, Bono starts clapping slowly, one clap every few seconds. He goes up to the microphone and says, 'Every time I clap my hands, a small child in Africa dies.'
Silence for another few seconds, then someone in the audience yells out 'Well stop f***ing doing it then!'
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
In breaking news tonight it has been announced that Michael Jackson has just signed for Liverpool. The temptation to get spanked at home by 11 kids was just too appealing to turn down.
Nathalie
11-01-07, 09:30 AM
At a U2 concert, they finish a song, and there's silence. All of a sudden, Bono starts clapping slowly, one clap every few seconds. He goes up to the microphone and says, 'Every time I clap my hands, a small child in Africa dies.'
Silence for another few seconds, then someone in the audience yells out 'Well stop f***ing doing it then!'
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
There ya go Dave :)
The Dave
11-01-07, 09:44 AM
There ya go Dave :)
Wkd joke :clap: , but I have heard it before
************************************************** ************************************************** **************
A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs,
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"
************************************************** ************************************************** ************
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed.
You mean it has a penis and a brain?
That doesn't happen often!"
:p I'LL LEAVE NOW
************************************************** ************************************************** **************
A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs,
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"
************************************************** ************************************************** ************
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed.
You mean it has a penis and a brain?
That doesn't happen often!"
:p I'LL LEAVE NOW
:lol!: :laugh: :laugh: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Nathalie
11-01-07, 03:00 PM
************************************************** ************************************************** **************
A Queenslander who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs,
"That's about average in QLD. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"
************************************************** ************************************************** ************
Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said:
"I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed.
You mean it has a penis and a brain?
That doesn't happen often!"
:p I'LL LEAVE NOW
*high fives*
:D :D :D :D :D
In breaking news tonight it has been announced that Michael Jackson has just signed for Liverpool. The temptation to get spanked at home by 11 kids was just too appealing to turn down.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
What can a doctor do that a duck cant?
Stick their bill up their ass.
~Wild Child~
12-01-07, 02:32 PM
Confessions Of A Kid
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's
mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last
year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this
year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote
a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as
Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother
told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby
went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if
anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He
slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room
and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his
letter to God.
.
.
.
.
.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
~Wild Child~
12-01-07, 02:33 PM
What can a doctor do that a duck cant?
Stick their bill up their ass.:lol!:
Confessions Of A Kid
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's
mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last
year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this
year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote
a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as
Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother
told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby
went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if
anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He
slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room
and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his
letter to God.
.
.
.
.
.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :rotflmao:
~Wild Child~
12-01-07, 02:40 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "?250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "?750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?"
Boy -"?1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "?250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "?750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?"
Boy -"?1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now"
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "?250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "?750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I
can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?"
Boy -"?1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That
is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my cupboard now"
:laugh: thats better than the version of that joke i read.
What can a doctor do that a duck cant?
Stick their bill up their ass.
Lol I give my mate credit for that.
This one's old and been going around for awhile, but I love it - Classic! :clap:
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up
with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following
characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car
windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought
"CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would only
run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM
would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
This one's old and been going around for awhile, but I love it - Classic! :clap:
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up
with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following
characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car
windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought
"CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would only
run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM
would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
:laugh: :laugh:
Casey's Angel27
12-01-07, 06:43 PM
Lol thats a funny one :):):):rotflmao: :beer:
Done By Smell :(
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!" :!:
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid
in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"
How To Impress A Woman:
Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her.
How To Impress A Man:
Show up naked,
Bring Beer.
;) ;) ;)
How To Impress A Woman:
Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her.
How To Impress A Man:
Show up naked,
Bring Beer.
;) ;) ;)
:lol!: :lol!:
If u ladies wanna take a hint, I actually prefer rum. Cheers ;)
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
:laugh: funny :hi:
There once was a young catholic woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
There once was a young catholic woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up ..."
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up ..."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Briton. "They must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"
"It is obvious they are Russian," argues the Russian. "They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Briton. "They must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"
"It is obvious they are Russian," argues the Russian. "They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"
:rotflmao:
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or to the drive-in.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just about makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or to the drive-in.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just about makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
:dead: :rotflmao:
Future Star
13-01-07, 09:16 PM
I don't geddit, whats the twist?
In the 50's the a dance called "The Twist" was popular.
Her dad got the dance name mixed up, instead of twist, he said screw........
Mabey your not old enough to understand, sorry :p
Future Star
13-01-07, 09:20 PM
In the 50's the a dance called "The Twist" was popular.
Her dad got the dance name mixed up, instead of twist, he said screw........
Mabey your not old enough to understand, sorry :p
nah - i get it now, thats funny.
:rotflmao:
nah - i get it now, thats funny.
:rotflmao:
LMAO FS :satan:
This man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulders. He takes a seat at the bar, lets the monkey go and orders a drink. The monkey is running wild through the bar, swinging from the lights, jumping on the tables etc.
The monkey then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it. The bartender is totally annoyed. The gentleman who owns the monkey apologizes, pays for his drink and the cue ball then leaves with his monkey.
A couple of weeks later the man returns with his monkey. He sits at the bar and lets the monkey run wild again. The monkey is running wild again. He jumps up on the bar where he spies a bowl of grapes. He grabs a grape and shoves it up his ass, pulls it out and then eats it.
The bartender is totally grossed out. "Did you see what your monkey just did?" He asks the man. The man replies "Oh yeah, since that cue ball incident he measures everything!"
This man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulders. He takes a seat at the bar, lets the monkey go and orders a drink. The monkey is running wild through the bar, swinging from the lights, jumping on the tables etc.
The monkey then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it. The bartender is totally annoyed. The gentleman who owns the monkey apologizes, pays for his drink and the cue ball then leaves with his monkey.
A couple of weeks later the man returns with his monkey. He sits at the bar and lets the monkey run wild again. The monkey is running wild again. He jumps up on the bar where he spies a bowl of grapes. He grabs a grape and shoves it up his ass, pulls it out and then eats it.
The bartender is totally grossed out. "Did you see what your monkey just did?" He asks the man. The man replies "Oh yeah, since that cue ball incident he measures everything!"
:lol!: :lol!: :lol!:
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the late student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Capital_Shark
14-01-07, 07:16 PM
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve walking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Briton. "They must be British!"
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!"
"It is obvious they are Russian," argues the Russian. "They have no clothes and no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise!"
LMAO That's a ripper!
I like the twist one too, and just when I thought the punch line was the end of the joke FS comes and adds another dimension of comedy!
IRISH COFFEE
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, :dead:
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flyin', ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute feckin' nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
Psycho Test
:ok:
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right-including me.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she
did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy
she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there,
but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her
sister? (Give this some thought before you
answer.) SCROLL DOWN.
Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was
a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in
the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the
question correctly good for you. If you got the answer correct, please
let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick
you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on. Be sure to
share the test.
:!: Mabey I am a little Psycho........
Cowboys_Rabbit_Fan
18-01-07, 06:08 PM
Yay, i'm not a psychopath!!! GO ME!!
Casey's Angel27
18-01-07, 06:44 PM
Im a psychopath... Something i already knew :):D:D
Im a psychopath... Something i already knew :):D:D
:spit: Me too... :p
SuperCliffy#01
19-01-07, 12:34 PM
Maybe i am a lover and not a psychopath, i got it wrong.cya. :!:
Social Loafer
20-01-07, 05:58 PM
Note tasteless joke below, highlight to read..
A seal walks into a bar and says "get me anything except a Canadian club
I'll leave now.
Social Loafer
21-01-07, 10:24 PM
Good to see that one went down well :laugh:
anyway best keep going, sadly half the stuff I got would not only break forum guidelines, but create new ones :laugh:
-------------------------------
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue
---------------------------------
I'll get my coat..
That one was worth posting Schifty :laugh:
~Wild Child~
22-01-07, 03:23 AM
The Handsome Prince
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** **** *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** **** *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** **** *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
BrisbaneBroncosRule
22-01-07, 08:28 AM
lol, ive heard that one before, but thanks again Michel its hilarious :laugh:
Nathalie
22-01-07, 03:04 PM
Q. How do you get down off an elephant?
A. You don't, you get down from ducks.
:D
An Australian Love Poem
(Who said Australian's weren't romantic!)
----------------------------
Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.
:beer:
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says,"Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies,"I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
Well," says Stevie, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says,"Pick a night." :p
~Wild Child~
24-01-07, 04:03 PM
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says,"Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies,"I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
Well," says Stevie, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says,"Pick a night." :p :rotflmao: :clap:
Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy
Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing
a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother
patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of
him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother
and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet
reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far
as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that*
wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother
severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly,
"Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and
told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother
threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of
the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN
FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"
^^^
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Social Loafer
25-01-07, 10:04 PM
A professor at Mount Morgan High school was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe
in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you are all taking this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor took off his
glasses, and said "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asked, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar, I thought you said "Goats."
Robbie_Dee
26-01-07, 02:18 PM
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today, When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say
and I feel great. I be at work soon......You got nice house."
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today, When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say
and I feel great. I be at work soon......You got nice house."
:satan:
A professor at Mount Morgan High school was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe
in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you are all taking this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor took off his
glasses, and said "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asked, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar, I thought you said "Goats."
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles." :ok:
Three Woman -- One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly
Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna.
Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound.
The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beeping Stopped.
The Others Looked At Her Questioningly.
"that Was My Pager," She Said,
"i Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."
A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted
Her Palm To Her Ear And Talked Quietly. When She Finished, She
Explained,
"that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."
The Hillbilly Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech.
Not To Be Out Done,
She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive.
She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom.
She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind.
The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her.
The Hillbilly Woman Finally Said,
"well, Will You Look At That,
I'm Gettin' A Fax." :)
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy
about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the
films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my
place. Anyway, to make
a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she
pretty?" "Dunno... Never
found the head!"
At The Check-In Gate
An award should go the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point after being confronted by an irate passenger who probably should have been classified as cargo.
During a hectic period at the old Denver Stapleton airport, what would have been a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was endeavouring to re-book a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly a very angry passenger pushed his way up to the desk, slammed his ticket down on the counter, and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and then I'm sure we can work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and announced, "May I have your attention, please?" her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him laughing, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "f**k you!"
Without flinching, the agent smiled broadly and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The people in line now laughed hysterically, and, the guy retreated. United Airlines was off the hook for a few hours.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. Then whilst
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?!!!!
"God replied, "Oh, ****...sorry! I didn't recognise you." :(
Casey's Angel27
30-01-07, 11:54 PM
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. Then whilst
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?!!!!
"God replied, "Oh, ****...sorry! I didn't recognise you." :(
:lol!:
Casey's Angel27
30-01-07, 11:55 PM
At The Check-In Gate
An award should go the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point after being confronted by an irate passenger who probably should have been classified as cargo.
During a hectic period at the old Denver Stapleton airport, what would have been a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was endeavouring to re-book a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly a very angry passenger pushed his way up to the desk, slammed his ticket down on the counter, and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and then I'm sure we can work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and announced, "May I have your attention, please?" her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him laughing, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "f**k you!"
Without flinching, the agent smiled broadly and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The people in line now laughed hysterically, and, the guy retreated. United Airlines was off the hook for a few hours.
:lol!: classic... :) i like her style
Robbie_Dee
31-01-07, 07:07 PM
One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead snuck into a farm.
The farmer said to his wife, "I think I hear something outside."
The girls heard the door open,and they all ran in different directions.
The brunette ran into the cow pen. The redhead ran into the pig pen, and the blonde ran into the potato patch.
The farmer went to the cow pen and said,"Is there anyone there?" The brunette said,"Mmmmmmmoooooo."
Then he went over to the pig pen and the farmer said, "Is there anyone there?" and the redhead said, "Oink oink."
Then he went over to the potato patch and said, "Is there anyone there?" and the blonde said, "Potatooooo."
:whatd: :whatd: :whatd:
Social Loafer
31-01-07, 07:53 PM
an old one, but a classic IMO...
-----------------------------
Joke
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such Perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Are you a family member?"
"Yes, Yes I am.."
"Hold on.. let me look at her records...
Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"
"Neither!
I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY ever tells me ****!" :dead:
I attended a party last weekend.
After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room.
When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world, - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?
"Golftits" I replied"
~Wild Child~
31-01-07, 11:32 PM
I attended a party last weekend.
After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room.
When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world, - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?
"Golftits" I replied"
LOL
Here's a funny joke...NSW will win Origin :laugh: :p
LOL
Here's a funny joke...NSW will win Origin :laugh: :p
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :curse: :curse: :curse: :curse: :curse: :curse:
~Wild Child~
31-01-07, 11:35 PM
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :curse: :curse: :curse: :curse: :curse: :curse: :D
LOL Jenn..You look like someone who has mixed emotions..or is that just a nervous laugh? :rotflmao:
:D
LOL Jenn..You look like someone who has mixed emotions..or is that just a nervous laugh? :rotflmao:
All of the above :laugh:
I attended a party last weekend.
After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room.
When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world, - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?
"Golftits" I replied"
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
I might use that one day!
Ivan Milat is walking through the forest with a backpacker. The backpacker says to him "It's dark and scary in here".
"Your scared" Milat replies, "I'm the one who's gotta walk back by myself...."
:laugh:
Ivan Milat is walking through the forest with a backpacker. The backpacker says to him "It's dark and scary in here".
"Your scared" Milat replies, "I'm the one who's gotta walk back by myself...."
:laugh:
:laugh: :laugh:
Applle Computer reported today that it has developed
computer chips that can store and play music inside
women's breasts. This is considered to be a major
breakthrough because women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts and not listening
to them.
An Aussie Prayer
Our lager, Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
By the time comes
I will be drunk, At home as if in tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
Forever and ever.....Barmen.
:beer: :beer: :beer: :beer:
Applle Computer reported today that it has developed
computer chips that can store and play music inside
women's breasts. This is considered to be a major
breakthrough because women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts and not listening
to them.
:laugh:
What sort of music would you play :naughty:
:laugh:
What sort of music would you play :naughty:
:music: CAN'T TOUCH THIS :music: :satan:
:music: CAN'T TOUCH THIS :music: :satan:
:clap: Good one,
would you turn the bass up?
:clap: Good one,
would you turn the bass up?
I did??? :(
An Aussie couple go to a sex therapist's office. The man ask's "Could you please watch us have sex?" The therapist looks puzzled but agrees. When the couple are finished, the therapist says, "Theres nothing wrong with the way you have sex", charges them $50 and they leave. This happens several weeks in a row. One day the therapist asks, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?". The man replies, "Nothing, We're both married but not to each other, so we can't go to her house or my house. It's too expensive to get a room each week, so we do it here for $50 and get $30 back from Medicare."
:naughty:
An Aussie couple go to a sex therapist's office. The man ask's "Could you please watch us have sex?" The therapist looks puzzled but agrees. When the couple are finished, the therapist says, "Theres nothing wrong with the way you have sex", charges them $50 and they leave. This happens several weeks in a row. One day the therapist asks, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?". The man replies, "Nothing, We're both married but not to each other, so we can't go to her house or my house. It's too expensive to get a room each week, so we do it here for $50 and get $30 back from Medicare."
:naughty:
:win: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied. :dead:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied. :dead:
:laugh: Lazy B!tch :box:
:laugh: Lazy B!tch :box:
LMAO :satan:
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday." :beer:
BrisbaneBroncosRule
04-02-07, 03:50 PM
:laugh: nice stuff Jen
:laugh: nice stuff Jen
Yep :laugh:
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is there snything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." :naughty:
Dirty Jenny, real dirty :dead:
Make Me Feel Like a Woman
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he aproaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this." :laugh:
10/10 Jenny! :win: :win: :win:
Dirty Jenny, real dirty :dead:
:satan:
" :music: wanna Get Dirrty :music: :beer:
:satan:
" :music: wanna Get Dirrty :music: :beer:
:music: Too dirrty to clean your act up :music:
Could I See Just One?
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" :?)
Classic ;)
What a Champion :win:
Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling�I'll see you in two hours!" :hi: :noidea:
Casey's Angel27
05-02-07, 12:36 PM
Little Johnny was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Johnny aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said little Johnny, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
BrisbaneBroncosRule
05-02-07, 12:37 PM
:win: lol CA
Casey's Angel27
05-02-07, 12:39 PM
it was an email from my best friend :)
Q: What would Glen McGrath be if be played for England?
A: An All-rounder :dizzy:
Q: What would Glen McGrath be if be played for England?
A: An All-rounder :dizzy:
:rotflmao: HOWZAT??
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?"
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer." :beer:
~Wild Child~
05-02-07, 06:51 PM
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
I suppose that would work :dead:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
:laugh: :(
BrisbaneBroncosRule
05-02-07, 07:20 PM
Q: What would Glen McGrath be if be played for England?
A: An All-rounder :dizzy:
He is in all-rounder isnt he already :D :rotflmao:
Robbie_Dee
05-02-07, 08:38 PM
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
:lol!: :lol!:
What and who am I?
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other an animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!" :(
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks" :dead:
BrisbaneBroncosRule
06-02-07, 08:40 AM
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks" :dead:
:rotflmao: thats mean Jenny :rotflmao:
:rotflmao: thats mean Jenny :rotflmao:
:curse: Come here and say that... :curse:
Cheeky lil ***t Chris :roll:
BrisbaneBroncosRule
06-02-07, 08:55 AM
:curse: Come here and say that... :curse:
Cheeky lil ***t Chris :roll:
:rotflmao: Was that another joke? :rotflmao:
Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.
After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor.
Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building.
Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face.
Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling.
"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido."
But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside'
They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him
"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate."
As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan'
Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside.
A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion,
"It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!" :dizzy:
Casey's Angel27
06-02-07, 02:13 PM
http://by125fd.bay125.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?&msg=99778453-9C3D-4E83-A907-1F29BE4E52D4&start=0&len=250583&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=54eb45596edef8722c717e82b6e8b0f8be69c45146ed5291 06ac943b63e73877&mimepart=5
~Wild Child~
06-02-07, 03:21 PM
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire
him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy,"
and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the
number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up
the picture that he has just drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,"How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and
dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually
have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the
number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he
picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at
the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if
you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at
the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came
along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty
tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree
and a turd, which makes one hundred.....
So, when I start???
:)
BrisbaneBroncosRule
06-02-07, 04:24 PM
http://by125fd.bay125.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?&msg=99778453-9C3D-4E83-A907-1F29BE4E52D4&start=0&len=250583&curmbox=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&a=54eb45596edef8722c717e82b6e8b0f8be69c45146ed5291 06ac943b63e73877&mimepart=5
that link takes me back to this page :dizzy:
that link takes me back to this page :dizzy:
:spit: Me too..... :!: thats probably the joke Chris..its on us :spit: Clever lil Angel :spit:
Casey's Angel27
06-02-07, 04:40 PM
that link takes me back to this page :dizzy:
try this...
BrisbaneBroncosRule
06-02-07, 04:41 PM
:laugh: Great find CA :D
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags.I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God!
What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." :laugh: :hi:
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
:radio:
2 poets arrive at the pearly gates and St Peter's had a hard day. Ok we've already had our fill of poets today, one of you will have to go back to earth and start again .. since your both poets we'll have a competition .. whoever can give me the best quatrain ending in 'timbuctoo' will win.
The first poet steps up and recites
"I sailed upon the ocean grey
the silence of the deep do lay
A sailing ship came into view
it's destination Timbuctoo"
the second poet thinks for a while and starts
"tim and I a hunting went
spied 3 virgins in a tent
they were many we were few
I bucked one and tim bucked two"
who would you have let in ??
:radio:
2 poets arrive at the pearly gates and St Peter's had a hard day. Ok we've already had our fill of poets today, one of you will have to go back to earth and start again .. since your both poets we'll have a competition .. whoever can give me the best quatrain ending in 'timbuctoo' will win.
The first poet steps up and recites
"I sailed upon the ocean grey
the silence of the deep do lay
A sailing ship came into view
it's destination Timbuctoo"
the second poet thinks for a while and starts
"tim and I a hunting went
spied 3 virgins in a tent
they were many we were few
I bucked one and tim bucked two"
who would you have let in ??
Second one For sure...He a scream :laugh:
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
Attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,
Masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and
Set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up
His backside.
:p
Two trail walkers were walking through a jungle and come across a tiger who looked very fast and very hungry. One walker pulled a pair of nikes out of his backpack and proceeded to put them on. His friend gave him a stupid look and said, "Do you really think those shoes are gonna make you run faster than the tiger?" The other walker replied " I don't have to run faster than the tiger, I only have to run faster than you!"
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
Attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,
Masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and
Set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up
His backside.
:p
Scientific study? - More like common knowledge :p
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Casey's Angel27
13-02-07, 04:20 PM
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and she was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Nathalie
13-02-07, 04:31 PM
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and she was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
A string walks into a bar.
He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.
The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."
The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.
He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."
They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".
Nathalie
13-02-07, 06:00 PM
A string walks into a bar.
He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.
The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."
The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.
He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."
They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Sounds a bit like my crow joke :p love it!!!
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he couldn't get his knob out fo the chicken.
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's
fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde .
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite
cow,Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want to
move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
Now what the f*** would you say?"
Casey's Angel27
13-02-07, 11:16 PM
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's
fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde .
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite
cow,Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want to
move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
Now what the f*** would you say?"
:rotflmao:
~Wild Child~
24-02-07, 11:30 PM
Blonde in an Elmo factory
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
Blonde in an Elmo factory
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!'':rotflmao: :laugh:
squirrell
25-02-07, 08:42 PM
A baby balloon was having trouble sleeping one night so he went to his parents bedroom.He tried to squeeze in between mum and dad balloon but he couldnt so he decided to untie his dad and let a bit of air out of him.This he did but he still couldnt squeeze between them so he did the same to his mum.He once again tried to squeeze in the middle but with much squeaking he was a little bit too big,so he untied himself and let a little bit of air out of himself.Ahhhh he slid in the middle all nice and snug.The next morning daddy balloon says"son i want a word with you about last nights incident".."what dad?"says baby balloon..dad says"im very dissapointed with you son,youve let me down..youve let your mother down..but worst of all youve gone and let yourself down!!!!!"
A baby balloon was having trouble sleeping one night so he went to his parents bedroom.He tried to squeeze in between mum and dad balloon but he couldnt so he decided to untie his dad and let a bit of air out of him.This he did but he still couldnt squeeze between them so he did the same to his mum.He once again tried to squeeze in the middle but with much squeaking he was a little bit too big,so he untied himself and let a little bit of air out of himself.Ahhhh he slid in the middle all nice and snug.The next morning daddy balloon says"son i want a word with you about last nights incident".."what dad?"says baby balloon..dad says"im very dissapointed with you son,youve let me down..youve let your mother down..but worst of all youve gone and let yourself down!!!!!"
Give yourself an uppercut :nope:
squirrell
25-02-07, 09:31 PM
Ive told that joke to heaps of people,noone yet has laughed but i keep picturing the balloons and it makes me chukkle.I gave myself a small uppercut so as not to cause massive amounts of damage.
Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river ... :nope:
:laugh: Thats a good one :clap:
A champion boxer is having trouble getting to sleep, so he goes to see a therapist. The therapist asks him to try counting down from one hundred to try to get to sleep. The Boxer replies: "I do, but when I get to 10, 9, 8, I get straight back up!"
Casey's Angel27
01-03-07, 10:49 PM
Whats red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket
Whats blue and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket painted blue
A champion boxer is having trouble getting to sleep, so he goes to see a therapist. The therapist asks him to try counting down from one hundred to try to get to sleep. The Boxer replies: "I do, but when I get to 10, 9, 8, I get straight back up!"
:laugh: :laugh: :rotflmao:
Casey's Angel27
01-03-07, 10:51 PM
A champion boxer is having trouble getting to sleep, so he goes to see a therapist. The therapist asks him to try counting down from one hundred to try to get to sleep. The Boxer replies: "I do, but when I get to 10, 9, 8, I get straight back up!"
Haha funny :D
Subject: Celibacy
>
> Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.
>
> This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
> environmental factors.
>
> While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tom and Mary
> listened to the instructor declare:
>
> "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that
> are important to each other."
>
> He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your
> wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
>
> "Self-raising, isn't it?"
>
> Thus began Tom's life of celibacy.
Subject: Celibacy
>
> Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.
>
> This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
> environmental factors.
>
> While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tom and Mary
> listened to the instructor declare:
>
> "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that
> are important to each other."
>
> He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your
> wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
>
> "Self-raising, isn't it?"
>
> Thus began Tom's life of celibacy.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Coaster
02-03-07, 02:47 PM
Some facts about Barry Dawson aka "The cougar"
When Barry Dawson goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Barry
Dawsoned.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for
Barry Dawson.
Barry Dawson counted to infinity - twice.
When Barry Dawson does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing
the Earth down.
Barry Dawson gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Barry Dawson can slam a revolving door.
Barry Dawson once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Barry Dawson's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one
fools Barry Dawson.
Barry Dawson can speak Braille.
Barry Dawson's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Superman owns a pair of Barry Dawson pyjamas.
Barry Dawson owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card
from the game Uno.
Barry Dawson sleeps with a night light. Not because Barry Dawson is afraid
of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Barry Dawson.
Barry Dawson doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.
Once a cobra bit Barry Dawson's leg. After five days of excruciating pain,
the cobra died.
Barry Dawson divides by zero.
Barry Dawson is always on top during sex because Barry Dawson never f***s
up.
When Barry Dawson exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Barry Dawson doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Barry Dawson sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled drinking ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Barry kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The
devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Barry Dawson can kill two stones with one bird.
Barry Dawson once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
Barry Dawson once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a
friend that the expression "*****ting bricks" wasn't just a figure of
speech.
The only time Barry Dawson was wrong was when he thought he had made a
mistake.
Excellent Post mate :clap:
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in
fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New
Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime
rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad
as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a
place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.
I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll
take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser beer truck." :beer: :beer:
bondititan
02-03-07, 03:55 PM
why does edward woodwood have for d's in his name ?????
other wise he'd be called ewar woo woo :D
Time to start Cussing
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. You Know
what? Says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Au hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.
A Dustman Knocks On A Japanese Man?s Door,
The Jap Man Opens The Door A Says?harro,wot U Want??
Dustman Asks?where?s Ur Bin??
!i Bin On The Loo?says Jap Man
?no Mate,where?s Ya Dustbin??
?i Dustbin On The Loo?says Jap Man
?no No Mate Where?s Ur Wheelie Bin??
?hokay,i Wheelie Bin Havin A Wank!!?
A man is about to get married to the girl of his dreams. Just before the ceromony his father takes him aside and says ?son when i married your mother I took her to one side, I took off my trousers and told her to put them on. So she did and said they?re too big she couldn?t wear them, so I told her exactly I?m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship and thats they way its gonna stay.?
So the man goes off with this in mind and gets married. On his honeymoon he takes his new wife to one side takes off his trousers and says ?honey put these on? so she did and says ?they?re too big I can?t wear them? to which her new husband replies ?exactly I?m the one who wears the trousers in this relationship and thats the way its gonna stay?
Not having this his wife takes her knickers off and says ?here darling try these on? so he does and replies ?I can?t they?re too small I can?t get in your knickers?
?Exactly!? his wife says, ?and if you don?t change your attitude you?re never gonna!?
So True. How times change. :cry: :cry:
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay ?2 for a ?1 item he needs.
A woman will pay ?1 for a ?2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
:laugh:
New QANTAS slogan
Quickies.... Available.... Now.... in.... Toilet.... Ask.... Staff !!
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a bundy.......................................
.................................................. ............
.................................................. ............
.................................................. .........
.................................................. ......
.................................................. ...
.................................................. ............
.................................................. ............
.................................................. .........
.................................................. ......
.................................................. ...
..................................................
...............................................
............................................
.........................................
......................................
...................................
................................
.............................
..........................
.......................
....................
.................
..............
...........
........
.................................................. ............
.................................................. ...........
.................................................. ...........
.................................................. ...........
.................................................. ...........
.................................................. ...........
.................................................. ...........
.................................................. ...........
.................................................. ...........
.................................................. and coke."
The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno... I've always had them."
Social Loafer
06-03-07, 07:11 PM
So Terrible it's funny :laugh:
New QANTAS slogan
Quickies.... Available.... Now.... in.... Toilet.... Ask.... Staff !!
I laughed so hard me leg braces fell off. Good one Jenny.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.2 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.